My Mumbling Thoughts

Occasionally I like to have Pity Parties for one. I like to pout, throw temper tantrums, and whine until I get my way, whatever "my way" is. All I know is I want attention, I want people to pay attention to me, and listen to what I have to say. Even if all I have to say is, "um, I had cake earlier today, and it wasn't very tasty. That kind of made me sad."

These moody phases are mostly annoying, but from time to time they can be slightly worrying. My mind tends to drift back in those dark corners, and once again I start craving irresponsibility. All I want to do is go underground for a couple of weeks, fuck myself up a little bit, and then re-emerge with a relief that I got all of that...stuff out of my system.

Life Experience has taught me, though, that that is no longer a viable solution to my problems. Escapism is only a temporary relief, and I know now that if I do go underground for a couple of weeks, when I return all of my worries, responsibilities, obligations, and relationships will still be there wondering where the hell I've been.

Although it sure is tempting to just disappear for a little while.

Nowadays when I find myself sliding back into old coping mechanism habits, I have to dig down deep and remember all the new things I've learned in counseling about myself, why I choose the things that I choose, and ask myself if I'm comfortable choosing a new alternative that's less destructive. It can be an arduous task for me when all I want to do is crack open a bottle of wine, eat mass amounts of cake, and curse at strangers in the street.

That's when I discover I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I definitely don't want to dip my toe back into the pool of temptation taking two steps back, and yet I'm still not at the point where I can make a solid decision to simply sit with myself, be okay with my irritation, and grow out of my frustrations. So instead I fester, and I have my lonely pity parties.

I've attended this most recent pity party before. I've also invited a couple of guests to sit with me, and listen to me cry about my insecurities, fears, and blah, blah, blah. The advice I've received thus far seems fairly simple: Sam, get over yourself. And just be okay with Life already.

Ugh! But that's so hard!

Lately I find my girl insecurities are elbowing out all other sane thoughts in my head. It gets crowded up there, and when my brain is over capacity, there's not much else I can do except cry. Cry, cry, and cry some more like I'm getting paid for it. After I'm all finished crying, though, I try to get quiet and see where all of these extreme emotions are stemming from. It can be a time consuming effort, especially when I'm trying to function as a normal person in society. Work takes up a lot of time, family obligations, friendships, my relationship with Jezza, social obligations, yadda, yadda, yadda. On top of all that, I'm trying to get my finances sorted in preparation for The Big Move later this year. It's no wonder I'm scratching to go underground for a few weeks. I just want to get away from it all.

But these girl insecurities, they are a real pain in my ass at the moment, and I feel like if I could just get to The Bottom Of It All, that would be a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. It certainly would free up a lot of space in my head, and I wouldn't spend my evenings replaying the insecure thoughts over and over and over.

You see, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man. He's funny, smart, handsome, employed, and when we're together all is right in the world. I feel like when we're in the same room I could recite couplets, and go on forever about my never-ending abiding love that I had no idea I was even capable of feeling. When we are apart, however, (because we are apart, and I understand that it is impossible for two people in a relationship to spend every waking and non-waking moment together - unless they're quarantined for whatever reason) I immediately start stressing out. Where is he? How come he hasn't sent me a text to tell me he misses me? Who is he with? What are they doing? Why didn't he invite me? I like Thai food, and mini flying helicopters. He obviously doesn't care about me, our relationship, or our future. Fuck all of this. We need to break up.

That's where I go every. single. time. We need to break up. Because, what? He didn't call me one night to go through a checklist of his day? Uhh, even with all of the Crazy going on upstairs, even I can see that's a bit of an overreaction. Breaking up every time I have an insane freak out isn't the solution. Me sitting with my fears and insecurities, though, that seems a little more doable, and a lot less imposing on poor Jezza who endures my mental breakdowns.

So for the past couple of weeks I've been trying to Break It Down, rather than have a breakdown. I've been researching, analyzing, learning on how to get quiet, and not act on the fear-based parts of my personality. I'm aware of the space between my triggers, and my decisions, and within that space I've pulled up a chair, sat down, and thought to myself, "hey, let's try and work this out, rather than have another outburst that leads to nowhere."

And what have I learned so far? Well, not much except that I am terrified of the future. Let me be more clear: I'm terrified of my future with Jezza.

Back in the early days when Jezza and I were first seeing each other, I wasn't as invested in our relationship like I am now. If he didn't call one day I was like, whatever. I'm an independent woman that has important shit to do. I didn't need to hear from him, and if I did, it was always a pleasant surprise. It wasn't something that I expected from him. It just...was.

Now, though? Oh, now I'm a lot more invested. The man not only has his hands in my hair, and my heart in his teeth, but he has my soul. I have given him everything, all of me, and he has been enveloped in my world. I want nothing more than to simply hold his hand and watch the world unfold in front of us. And I don't think he realizes it. What I crave most are his words. And when I don't have his words, I feel like I don't have his love. And not having his love hurts me more than I realized.

The rational part of me understands that this is an emotional breakdown that I need to work through. We are fine otherwise in every other aspect. These are my insecurities, and I'm fighting like hell to understand them more so that when I am triggered, I'm not a crying ball of a mess lying of the floor asking myself over and over, when will I just get it? When will I just let it go and be happy with Life already?

Posted by Sam at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
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I didn't grow up in a religious household of any kind. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to church, and two of those times I was under five-years-old, so my memories of getting dressed up in my Sunday Best are slim to none. For the longest time I thought that my family might be Catholic, simply because that's the one religion I saw most in films and on TV, so I figured everyone was Catholic by default. I didn't know we could choose, I didn't know there were different religions of any kind, or if I even believed in any kind of God.

I was young, and at the time didn't give much thought on those kind of heavy subjects. Until one day I did, and I asked my mom what religion we were, and how come we didn't go to church like everyone else in my school did.

My mom did grow up in a religious household, and decided from a young age that she didn't feel comfortable giving up every Sunday to gather with the local town folk and listen to a man preach about one thing or another. She decided that when she had kids of her own, she'd let us choose for ourselves if we wanted to go to church, and figure out on our own whether we wanted to be part of any specific religion, or if we didn't want to be part of a specific religion. The choice was left completely up to us.

At the time it felt like a big decision. What religion was I going to be! There were so many choices! So many things to consider. All I knew at the time was the difference between right and wrong, and everything else was too big for my little brain to consider. Life after death, Heaven and Hell, what's our main purpose in life, yadda, yadda, yadda.

It was all too much for me to process.

My first decision was that I was going to be an atheist. It seemed like the easiest choice out of everything. I had no proof of any God whatsoever, nor did I understand my own belief system at the time, so I thought we were here to live, then we died, and then that was it. The End.

Continue reading ""God only gives you what you can handle. No more, and no less."" »

Posted by Sam at 06:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
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Man I missing writing.

I don't know why I stop and start, and then pick it back up for a little while, and stop again. I'm just inconsistent, I guess. Which isn't really a good thing, but hey, at least I'm honest.

I do miss it, though. I miss splurging my inner thoughts all over the World Wide Web for the occasional stranger to stumble upon and maybe take three spare minutes to quickly scan over my random words. My only hope is that maybe one or two of my random words will resonate in some way shape or form, and mean something. Even if it's a small little something.

We're deep into January 2012, and I gotta say, I feel like this year is gonna be good. I may even go as far to say great. I mean, I don't want to jinx anything, but so far my year is already booked up with some pretty awesome things going down. The first half of the year is pretty much saving money, and thawing out from this mild winter that has barely touched DC (no complaints here, either!). Once summer is finally underway, this June (should everything continue to go as planned), I'll be making my first move into my new apartment. Oh yeah! And here's the kicker: WITH MY BOYFRIEND. That's right. I'm moving in with my boyfriend. This June. June of 2012. Moving in. With my boyfriend. So it'll be our apartment. Our place. Together.

It's a pretty big deal (even though I'm totally cool and acting like it's not a big deal, because it's only a big deal if you make it out to be a big deal). Since it's a big deal that's not a big deal, the first half of this year will also be spent sifting through the many, many things in my room that has been accumulating since 2003. Well, really, since second grade, because I still have crap that I've saved since my second year in elementary school. Still. It all travels with me.

It's about time that I purge all of my random trinkets, though, and go through what I essentially NEED (i.e. bed, bookshelves, duvets), and decide on what I WANT (i.e. sombraro, Cosmo magazine collection, notes from high school hiding underneath my bed). I feel like if I don't get rid of at least half of it, I'll end up on that Extreme Clutter show. It's not pretty.

The second half of the year will hopefully be bringing me back to London for a short visit. I'm saving, saving, saving, so I can blow all of my hard earned money on two beautiful weeks back in the city I have a not-so-secret love affair with. It'll be worth every single penny just so I'm able to see my friends, lay in my parks, ride my buses, and eat at my favorite restaurants. For two short weeks I'll regain my awkward English accent, and walk down my streets of Memory Lane. It's always a bittersweet pleasure for myself, and this time round I'll be sharing it all with my dear, sweet Jeremy, who has only heard the tales I retell over and over for him.

I can hardly wait.

In between days, it'll just be me counting down 2012. Waiting, and hopefully writing more. It's not a resolution of mine (I don't believe in starting over each year), but it is something I'd like to do more of. God knows I spend enough time faffing around on the internet watching stupid videos. It wouldn't kill me to come visit My Mumbling Thoughts more, and exercise my ability to string together coherent sentences.

Posted by Sam at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
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When you've been locked in the darkness of your mind for as many years as I have been, it's scary when the light first starts breaking through. It's unknown, it's strange, and it's a scary feeling. It's really uncomfortable, and I didn't know if I should trust it, because trusting had betrayed me in the past. Positivity was not something I was used to. Believing in good things never came easy to me, and caring about my life in general was always an uphill battle.

I was locked inside for years. Years I allowed the darkness to consume me, my thoughts, and my personality. Lord knows I did a lot of things - self sabotaging things, self harming things - that set me back, clouded my judgment, and wasted a lot of time keeping me from my True Self.

After I graduated from university, I took a long, hard look at where I was in my life and didn't like where I had ended up. I didn't like myself, and had a lot of regrets. Deciding to be sober forced me to finally feel things that I had been suppressing for so long, and finally come to terms with a lot of issues that had held me back. My monthly counseling sessions (that I still attend) helped me control my anxiety, my breakdowns, and was a vital part in helping me see that life doesn't have to be so hard. We only make it out to be hard if that's what we truly believe.

I was locked inside for years, but over the past year and a half I've done a lot of healing, growing, maturing, and doing my best to gain a better understanding of who I am as a person, what my ultimate purpose is in life, and to do everything I can to honor that calling.

I had what Oprah likes to call an "Aha Moment" last night when I was watching one of her online classes that she started on her OWN network, and woke up this morning with such clarity I almost exploded into tears with pure joy. I truly understand it now.

** You become what you believe. **

Those words have never made more sense to me.

It's so simple, and yet I couldn't understand it for so long. Now I know it's because I wasn't ready to receive it. I would hear those words, and they were so empty to me. They meant nothing. They held zero value. Sure, whatever, I get it...You become what you believe. Makes sense.

But there's a different between "making sense" and "truly understanding". When you're ready to receive something into your life, you get that wonderful feeling of things clicking, and snapping into place, and all of a sudden it feels like you're on the right path. Everything that didn't make sense before, now appears crystal clear. I now know all of the answers to all of my life questions because I truly understand - you become what you believe.

It's a thought process that I've been working on breaking for so long, and now I know it's possible. My old limitations no longer have chains on me, and I've never felt more confident with where I'm at in life. Everything: my job, my relationships in my life, my finances, my habits, my entire thought process. Everything is exactly where it's at, because I believed it to be that way.

This morning I started a new way of thinking, embracing all the positivity I could hold, and rejecting any kind of negative energy that tried to penetrate inside my thoughts. It's an amazing power to hold, knowing that I'm capable of controling my thoughts. To understand that I'm responsible for the energy I bring every second of every day, and to truly own all aspects of myself - the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's beautiful to understand, a beautiful breakthrough, and an amazing release that I've been working so hard to achieve ever since I made the decision to better myself.

I needed to write it down so I don't forget.

You become what you believe.

And I believe that I'm a better person who will continue to grow.

Posted by Sam at 04:19 PM | Permalink
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When you're six hours north from all reality in a secluded house snuggled in between Connecticut and The Hamptons, and you've done all the shopping, pie eating, reading, baking, TV watching, beach walking, antiquing, cheese eating, whale watching, and cupcake searching a small town has to offer, and the average bedtime in the house is 7:30 for other family members, there's only one other thing left to do: blog.

I don't drink anymore, so yes, blogging is my only other option.

It certainly has been a while, so since I've done everything else (bar logging onto my work email, which I refuse to cave and check), I feel it's only appropriate that I crack my knuckles, and get into some serious updating here on Ye Old Mumbling Thoughts. Yes, a series of updates to, well, update on what has been happening since I last updated three million years ago.

Continue reading ""So lead me down to the ocean, our world is fine by the ocean"" »

Posted by Sam at 08:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
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The day starts off normal enough: shower, dry hair, make-up, clothes. Shove some breakfast down my mouth quickly, grab my travel tea mug, hop in the car, and I'm off.

Off to work.

Ugh, work.

It's not hard to see that I'm not happy behind my open desk with people shuffling by throughout the day. One could easily guess that if given the chance or opportunity, I'd leave in a heartbeat without a second consideration. I wouldn't think about the engineers I support, my fellow admins, or the other worker bees that I've gotten to know in the past year and a half. I've never been built for this bland surrounding, and I've known that for a long time now. I never will adjust to the random abstract art that they hang on the drab cream colored walls, the engineer topics I try to wrap my brain around and pretend to understand. It's just not me.

I don't know why I try to bend and conform to a place where I know I don't fit and I don't belong. I've been doing it ever since I graduated high school, and aside from London I've never been able to find a place that feels right. Instead I keep coming back here, to the plain government sector, to the safe confines of job security that pays enough, has bubble wrap benefits, and treats me well enough.

Why complain? Why always sulk behind my 24" monitor? Why wish for more, want for more, expect more from myself? Why not just stay, and accept the cushion that I've landed on?

Because inside I can't suffer like this any longer, and I know I can achieve more. I have better talents other than refilling the printer when it runs out of paper, or scheduling conference rooms for engineers who make triple my salary. I didn't get my degree in sorting the daily post, so why am I still at the beginning paying my dues?

I've not been trying hard enough for what I want. If I want it, then I need to work hard for it. If I want it, then I deserve it, and I'll get it, and it'll happen for me. It is possible. If I want to step outside of this administrative realm, then it's time for me to start walking.

My irritation with this place and myself has far surpassed a safe level, and I'm scared if I stay much longer I'll forget what I want to do in this world. I don't want to wake up and continue this hell routine for twenty more years. I want a job where I smile when I talk about it, and truly makes me happy, where I feel my purpose. Currently I feel an empty void that's craving to be filled.

Filled with words.

Posted by Sam at 08:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
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I seem to only write when I'm sad.

Sad or confused. Sad and confused. Confused and upset. Whenever I have something that has been sitting on top of my chest for an extended period of time and needs to filter through my fingeritps.

Why?

Can't I ever write when I'm happy? When I'm not in the process of trying to decipher some unknown feeling that has nestled inside me. Because I'm happy sometimes. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I have good times and enjoy myself, and smile, and I'm mindlessly overjoyed with everything around me.

But it is only when I'm sad when I take to the keyboard and dispel my dark insides, when I feel most compelled to share my rainy days. It makes me sound whiny and pathetic, like some kind of moaning baby that can't hack anything in life, but that's not always case.

It's my therapy in a lot of ways. When I'm down, and dark, angsty, and angry, I feel so intense. It scares me, but I feel more like myself. I feel drawn to the smoky corners, the inward battles, the clawing emotions. I feel it so much I can't contain it all within myself. I feel too much, that I have to dump it all here, on to the vast internet with stranger's eyes occasionally reading, sharing, and perhaps even understanding a little.

I've been trying to be happy, and stay happy, and keep consistent with my level-headed emotions. My life is nothing to be sad about. I can logically look at everything I've accomplished, everything I hope to accomplish, and everyone who surrounds me and knowingly say, "they make me happy. I have a good life."

And yet.

And yet.

The darkness still finds me.

Posted by Sam at 09:04 AM | Permalink
Posted to Daily mumblings