I'm no quitter!
I remember when I was working at Jersey Mike's, and my best friend at the time asked me to come outside with her to smoke. She lit up a Marlboro Light and began puffing away as though she was born with a fag in her mouth. I was intrigued. I wanted to try. What made them so fabulous that everyone I knew was smoking? Not once did she ever ask me if I wanted one. No peer pressure whatsoever. There was nothing "after school special" about this situation. I simply asked if I could take a hit and see what the huge fuss was all about. So she passed her fag over to me, I took it into my small fingers and inhaled.
I started coughing and choking like I had swallowed gasoline. I looked over to her, and in a strained voice with watering eyes, sputtered out, "smooth."
I was a regular smoker from that point on, and have also been trying to quit ever since that day. It's been more then an uphill battle for me. Constantly thinking about the health side effects and fluctuating from a pack a day, to half a pack a day, to two packs when I drink...it's a nightmare. I've given up how many times I've tried to seriously quit. Recently though, was my best go. I quit for over two months and thought that maybe this time I had won. I had done the necessary research in order to beat them this time around. There were methods that I was using regularly, and I even believed this time that I was going to make it. Then I could walk in to a restaurant and ask for the non-smoking section. I would quit smelling like an ash tray, and I wouldn't feel like I really need them in order to make things better. Which is what I've always hated about them. Needing them.
I started back up roughly about a week ago. I don't know why. It was probably some stupid reason that I used in order to buy them and feel the smoke filter down into my lungs. It was quite a relief actually. I felt so good, but then extremely guilty straight afterwards.
The thing is, sometimes it's the only thing that I can think of that'll make me feel a little better. Wow, that sounds so sad. They're just so immediate and available that it's a comfort to know that I can always go back to them. I feel sad? Smoke a fag. I'm really happy? Smoke a fag. Feeling confused? Smoke a fag. Raining outside? Smoke a fag. Just ate a meal? Smoke a fag. Driving to or from work? Smoke a fag. Driving anywhere? Smoke a fag. Listening to music? Smoke a fag.
You see the trend.
I'm taking this relapse as a one off though. At least that's what I'm saying right now. I'm going to keep going strong and not smoke anymore, for any reasons. Hopefully. Too bad its so mind controlling and all I can keep thinking is, "Well, what if I were just a part time smoker? Or a light smoker?" As if there are such things.
I suppose it wouldn't be as bad if I didn't lie about it all the time. I lie to family and friends about how long I've been smoking, why I do it, when I quit, when I don't quit. It's even worse than the bad habit itself. All I see though when I do light up is disappointment or whenever I talk about it, the sadness that comes out of their voice. They don't like that I do, and I can't blame them. So I'd much rather just avoid it all together and pretend that I don't smoke anymore, other than feel the shame that I get from them. It's all just terrible.
Huh. I sure could go for a fag right about now.