My Mumbling Thoughts

I remember exactly where I was this time last year. I was lying on my couch in the apartment we used to live in waiting impatiently for December 26th to arrive. I was either daydreaming to myself about everything that I wanted to do, mentally piecing my outfits together that I wanted to wear, or most of the time I was on the phone with Mendy and we would imagine every single possible situation that might happen to us while we were there.

Christmas was no longer The Major Event that was taking place at the end of the year. Oh no. Now we were consumed with New Years and London. New Years in London.

It quickly became an obsession for both of us. That's all we would talk about, every time we went shopping it was for things we would need while we were in London, and we created an itinerary for all of the tourist-y things we wanted to do. Every single day that we would be there we had a plan for it and it would be perfect. Beautiful. Amazing. Nothing and nobody would get in our way. That's all that was on our brain around the clock. We ate, slept, and breathed nothing but London.

It all felt a little anitclimactic. I mean, here the both of us were easily getting our hopes up and blinded by our own thoughts and predictions. We didn't really sit down and truly consider the fact that there might be a tiny possibility that things may not work out exactly as we had planned. Anything less than our perfect scenarios was unacceptable and immediately tossed aside.

Of course everything else is history. Once we finally arrived and stepped off of the plane into Heathrow Airport we began the life altering experience that would stick with us for the rest of eternity. Everything did magically happen exactly as we had planned it for two months. It was one of those rare moments when you can't remember how everything happened or how you made it to this place where everything is perfect, but you're filled with happiness up to your eyeballs and you really don't care about how it happened or how you got there so long as it never ends.

Never ends.

This year I'm stranded in America with no plans of leaving anytime soon. Or anytime soon enough. I didn't know that something small like experiencing cold weather every day would be such a strong reminder for me. All I can keep on imagining everytime I step outside is all of us walking around in the cold weather. Me with my red pea coat, Mendy with her scarves, and Ash showing us the way to so many different places. It only takes half a second and before I know it, my mind is right back in the middle of London. I don't even have to concentrate hard so that my mind can focus on the memories. They're all easily pulled up from my mind in a split second. The people, the cars, the noises, and smells. I can see my breath clearly and listen to all of the different accents that swarm around me. I remember how the sunlight hit all of the buildings and standing out on Ash's balcony smoking my fags and taking in all of my surroundings. All of the small intricate details that some people may not pick up on are all cemented in my memories. How does one forget so easily something that was so huge?

I had to force myself to quit re-living the days when we were there after we got back. It was far past the point of being unhealthy and I wasn't happy in the present. For six months I drowned myself in memories, tears, and frustration. Every single lyric in every sad song that played I could relate to. All I could keep on telling myself was that I wasn't happy unless I was in London, and that was crazy. The depression ate me alive, corrupted my mind, and I had turned into some strange person that I didn't recognize. How could I have let myself get to this point? The point where I wasn't simply happy with what I already had? I wasn't some sad, self-absorbed, fumbling, crazy, manic-depressed, whining, annoying chump.

Eventually I managed to get myself on a track that didn't leave me running in circles like a small mouse. Things seemed to be working out for a change and I was convinced that this would be a piece of cake, a walk in the park, smooth sailing. I had a plan and as long as I stuck to that plan, I would be able to have it all. Everything was positive, I was optimistic, and things seemed to be on the bright side.

So far, so good.

That is until something small and random that comes from nowhere hits me straight in the face that immediately brings all of those fresh memories up to the surface.

Things like walking in the cold weather with my red pea coat for instance.

It's not as easy to shake the images that fill my brain. They reel in my mind all day like a movie and I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on simple tasks that I do all the time. It is distracting. With New Years looming just around the corner a lot of people are asking me if I'll be going back to London to visit for a little bit. I have to do the polite, "nope, not this year. We'll be sitting it out." They normally don't understand that answer and have this very quizical look on their face. To everyone I am known as the "London Girl," and for me to not be visiting during the holidays doesn't quite fit.

"Not this year? Oh, how come? I thought your boyfriend lives over there? Are you two not together anymore? Tell me you're still going for college."

And then I must explain that yes, we're still together, I simply can't afford it and I'm saving my cash for college. The so called "responsible" thing.

From there nothing good happens. I continue to explain to them my current situation with as little details as possible and move on with my day knowing even more that we'll really be sitting it out.

Really be sitting it out. I won't be there.

I had no idea this would be something that made my insides crumble. I don't want to be sad and depressed about the fact that I'm not going over to visit for the New Year. It sucks, sure, but it shouldn't be effecting me this much. I should be able to do simple things like eat. I find it hard to eat, yes. Getting out of bed every morning has become more than just a struggle. It's an every day obsticle for me. I find myself falling further and further behind. I don't care about work and disappear every chance that I can get and take hour long breaks. I come in late, leave early, and have a general crappy attitude for the most part. My memory has been shot to hell (*at least with everything that deals with the present day) and I'm just a useless human being.

Oh, I know that I probably sound like a big huge baby. "Waa, waa, waa! Poor Sammi can't go to England. Boo-fucking-hoo." I'm just in a whiney mood I guess. Whiney and annoying. Although I can honestly say that I was in no way prepared or expecting this to happen. How was I supposed to know that I'd be so goddamned depressed about this? I thought I had dealt with it weeks ago when I sat down with my bank account and noticed quite easily that it just wasn't going to happen. Not unless I won the lottery or discovered that I had a very rich uncle that passed away and left me his fortune. It was an unpleasant surprise for sure.

It does become exhausting after some point. Putting every ounce of energy that you can muster up into this one dream that isn't coming to you fast enough. You try to find the loop holes, jump through millions of hoops, and deal with the hurdles and yet there still isn't anything that you can grasp on to. Your patience begins to lower while your frustration bar rises, and ever so slightly, even though you'd never admit to yourself let alone another person, you lose a little hope that it may ever happen.

I just feel so fake. Around everybody I try so hard to stay in the holiday spirit and act like how I normally would if the circumstances were different. If I was different. I just want to shrink away for a little while though. Take a trip any place where the people don't know my name, I have no personal attachment, and I can forget just for a short while that I am London Girl. Some place with sunshine, ocean waves, and cold drinks. The cliché definition of paradise.

Or, would it be so bad if I took the rest of the year off and hibernated in my room? That right there is enough of paradise for me.