A writer? Oh, how cute.
In the past week or so I've been asked four times by four different people, "what are your future plans?"
Why everyone is so curious about what I plan on doing twenty years down the road, I'm not sure, but I've noticed that I have a really hard time trying to answer that seemingly very easy question.
There are two answers:
The first one remains up inside of my brain.
"Well, there's no fucking way I'm staying here and doing this shit for the rest of my life, if that's what you're asking. I know that for damn sure."
The second one is my general answer that I tell everyone.
"Heh, well, um, you know...that is a very good question. Huh. My recent future plans? Or future-future plans?"
And then I shrug my shoulders, exhale a couple of times, awkwardly laugh, and stare at my feet. I'm so visibly uncomfortable.
It got me to thinking this weekend though...
What the fuck am I going to do after college?
Write? I'm going to be a writer? Okay. Well, where the fuck am I going to write at? Do I even want to write at a place? Can't I just stay at home and write? What do I want to write about? Do I have something to say? Something to contribute, bring to the table, and add to the massive piles of stories and articles that billions of people have already written? What kind of writer am I going to be? Why do I have to pick? Can't I leave my options open as to what kind of writer I want to be? Where would I even start? Are there certain rules?
I mean, I have to think about shit like this.
And then there's always the possibility that I won't be a writer. I could be rejected. I could be absolute crap and not know it. What if I suck and people don't like me? People may not want to publish what I have to say. Ever. I could be a big 'ole flaming failure. Then what am I going to do? Cry?
Probably.
So after I had a bit of an axiety attack, I thought a little bit more and figured that I have to be a writer. I have to be able to support myself through my words. That's the only way I'm going to make it. I already know I'm not fit for the Corporate World. It's not my bag of marbles. I'm not a buisness woman and don't plan on staying here for any longer than I have to. Although, it is nice to put on my resumé. It certainly looks really fancy. If I don't want to be in the Corporate World though, then where do I want to go? There aren't that many options left if you don't want to work in some kind of company.
In order for me to be truly happy with my career and the job that I'm going to wake up to every single morning, I want it to be with something where I can take my words, put them on paper, have them published somewhere, and add my two cents. In my perfect world, I would have my own little space in a magazine or newspaper where I could write something weekly. I don't know what I'd write about, how long it would be, or what kind of tone I would want to convey. All I know is that it would make me happy and that is where I would feel most comfortable. I could totally see myself doing that.
I'm not sure why, but I finally came to terms with it all this weekend. I mean, really came to terms with it. That's what I plan on doing. That's what I want to do. That's what I must do. All of these years I've been saying that I want to write, but in the back of my mind I never was entirely sure. I thought I could try a couple of things out, dabble in some other professions and see how they worked out, and if the writing thing magically fell in my lap, then I would definitely go with that. It's the only thing that I'm semi-decent at and what the hell have I been doing all these years taking creative writing classes in high school, and submitting my work to writing contests? Why am I even going to college for Creative Writing with English? Is it only a hobby? A way for me to unclog my brain and make a little sense out of the mess that resides in my head?
So I guess it's official now. I'm going to be a writer. I'm going to college so I can be a writer all the time for the rest of my life. This receptionist gig is only part time so I can work on becoming a writer. I am a writer.
I'll have to practice saying it a couple of times over.
Although now I really like seeing the looks on people's faces when I tell them that I'm going to be a writer.
Picture it. A room full of engineers. All they're used to are formulas, numbers, and an end result.
"What are your future plans, Sam?"
"I'm going to be a writer."
**Crickets**
**Blink**
**Blink**
"Wow. That's, um...wow. Great."
"Thanks."
They're not sure what to say. Hilarious.
It'll be tough, I'm sure, but I'm no longer going to bounce from anymore random jobs and pretend to be happy. I'm going to do what I love to do and if that means that I end up on a street corner living in a cardboard box and eating beans from cans, then that's okay.
I'll be happy with that.