My Mumbling Thoughts

I guess I should just get it out of the way right now before I go any further.

I don't like doctors. I'm not a fan of any kind of doctor.

None. Zero.

If you have any kind of Phd attached to the end of your name, you can be gauranteed that I'll be a little wary of you and keeping a close eye on where your hands are.

Yesterday I had to visit the dentist. The doctor of the mouth.

Great.

The only reason why I even considered going and having my teeth checked was because I need new retainers. The ones that I have right now are pretty old and gross me out. Of course I still wear them almost every night so I can keep my teeth all straight and looking picture perfect. I just leave them sitting in listerine for most of the day.

Now I know what you're thinking. The dentist? Dentists don't make retainers, Sam. Orthodontists do.

I know this, however, the insurance that I got with my company doesn't cover any kind of orthodontic treatment for me. I didn't think I had to pick that option since I've already gone through the braces phase and what's the point in paying extra money every single month when I'm not going to ever visit an orthodontist again? All I needed were retainers so we specifically picked a dentist who does specialize in making those handy dandy retainers that I need.

So I set myself up an appointment to have my teeth cleaned and make another appointment to have my retainers made.

I went a couple of weeks ago. The hygenist said that I had beautiful teeth.

"Do you get your teeth bleached?" she asked me.

"Um, no."

"Wow, they're really white. Do you use those whitening strips?"

"Nope."

"Well what is your secret because they're amazing?"

"Um, I smoke."

*Awkward silence*

After my visit with the hygenist, there didn't appear to be anything wrong. She said that my teeth were gorgeous but I should set up another appointment with the dentist so he could do a complete oral exam (gosh, to me that just sounds so dirrty) since it had been so long since my last proper dentist appointment.

I complied and had my second dentist appointment scheduled. I wasn't sure about this whole "complete oral exam" she was talking about. It sounded kind of scary. What the hell were they going to do to me? I just needed molds to be made for my new retainers and then I would be out the door. I could really care less if I had any cavities or gingivitis. Those require treatment, and more treatment means more appointments, which means more excess pain, which means more money that has to be spent, which means, which means, which means...

All I wanted was my stupid retainers.

So yesterday was my "complete oral exam" with Dr. Cook and his assistant, Kitty.

Seriously.

I was so close from getting out of the chair and saying, "you know what? I change my mind. Thanks."

It didn't start off too badly. He did the usual feel around stuff and I laid there trying to find a spot on the ceiling that I could concentrate on. It all seemed pretty routine to me.

Then he brought out this long, shiny, sharp looking thing.

That definitely caught my attention and made my eyes get a little wide.

I shut my mouth and mumbled through pursed lips, "what's that for?"

"I'm just going to run this over your gums and check for gingivitis."

"Is it painful?"

"Nah, not so much. Go ahead and open wide for me please."

I frowned, took a deep breath, and reluctantly opened my mouth yet again.

I braced myself and decided it would probably be best if I just shut my eyes.

The next thing I knew he was jabbing my gums and calling out random numbers to Kitty.

"One, two, two, one, two, two, one, one, two."

I didn't understand what the numbers were about and didn't exactly care. All I knew was that he was probably doing something wrong because that metal thing that he was running along my gums hurt really bad.

Of course my mind went into serious over drive and I began to mentally cuss him out.

Oh you motherfucking asshole! What the fuck are you doing?! That shit hurts. Take that out of my mouth. Right. Now. Ouch! Oh, you cunt. You motherfucking cunt. I hate you. I hate you and your stupid assistant Kitty. I hate your momma. That's right. I talked about your momma. Oh fuck, that hurt! Okay, I was only kidding. I don't hate your momma. I'm sure she's a very nice lady. She's nice and she told you to stop hurting the nice girl with that sharp object. Ow. Oh good god make him stop."

After he finished I quickly closed my mouth and ran my tongue over my teeth to check for bleeding. There wasn't any, thank goodness. If there was he and I were going to have to take our conversation outside.
"Okay, Samantha. That's the end of your oral exam. Things seem to look fairly well. I only have one concern though which is the back molar on the bottom right hand side of your mouth. It appears to have grown in slightly crooked and it doesn't join your top molar when you bite down. I'm afraid I would be too worried about giving you new retainers before you consult an orthodontists."

"Are you serious?"

"Yep. Don't worry, we can refer you to one of our orthodontists if you don't already have one and - "

"No, you don't understand. I can't go to an orthodontist. My insurance won't cover it. I don't have the money either to pay for it myself. My only option is you guys."

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we won't be able to make retainers for you unless that back molar is corrected. We simply don't provide those kind of services here."

"Great."

They gave me all of the information for the orthodontist anyway in case I changed my mind or magically stumbled upon a couple of million dollars.

So I left the office with a sore mouth, one fucked up tooth, and an orthodontist number that I couldn't afford. To make myself and my mouth feel better I went to Baskin Robins and bought a hot fudge brownie sundae. They didn't tell me that I had any cavities so I figured it couldn't hurt anything.