My Mumbling Thoughts

They just don't make things like how they used to. We just got our dryer fixed and properly running not too long ago only to have our air conditioning unit break down on us. Of course it had to break on the first real hot day of the year. Mel put it best when she described it as, "Mother Nature going through menopause and now she's having a hotflash."

With the AC broken and the temperature being in the low 90's (that just doesn't even sound right - 'low 90's') INSIDE of our house, there was nothing for us to do except go to Target, buy three new fans and then lounge around the house with all of the windows open trying and hoping to get some kind of air flow going. It was miserable.

The air was hot and stale and every single time I moved it felt like I was peeling my skin off of the furniture. So gross. Nothing seemed to be able to completely distract me from the heat headache that I had either. I watched the Laguna Beach marathon that was on Mtv (it's a guilty pleasure of mine), laid on the floor and was ready to stick my head in the freezer. It was beyond unbearable. The whole family ended up in the formal livingroom that barely gets used since the sun wasn't beating down on that side of the house and we talked about how people in the south survived this kind of weather before air conditioning was invented.

"They didn't even have ceiling fans," Momma pointed out.

"I would have killed myself. Or built my house in the middle of a river," Mel said while sprawled out on the couch in front of one of our fans.

"At least they had sweet tea," I said.

All I wanted to do was sit in a tub full of ice or spend the rest of the day sleeping in the refrigerator. You would have thought that after the sun went down it would have been a little more tolerable but for some reason it actually felt hotter. It took me ages to fall asleep and I couldn't find a comfortable spot in bed.

There was one thing that saved me though, and that was my icy gel pack. It perfectly comformed to my head and relieved some of my heat headache. It was the only thing that allowed me to sleep all throughout the night. If I didn't have this severe fear of bugs I probably would have slept outside on our new patio.

I wasn't even that annoyed when I had to wake up extra early for work (I volunteered my services yet again for the helpdesk), because I knew I'd at least get to take a shower and wash the gross muggy feeling off of me. I guess the only thing that really pissed me off was that when I was getting ready for work I had to prepare like I was heading into the arctic since the air conditioner works a little too well. It feels like I'm sitting in an icebox!

I doubt that I'll ever be able to find a happy medium when it comes to controlled temperatures.

*Update* We got our air conditioning fixed. It wasn't broken. We just had to replace the damn filter. We could have saved us three days of being human soup if only we had thought a little more and used common sense. Ah, well.

Posted by Sam at 04:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Ah, the Friday before Memorial Day weekend. It's the time when everybody packs up the SUV, makes sure that the batteries are charged on their iPods and heads out onto the open road to go and do family fun vacation things.

OR go to work like me.

Yes, I'm stuck at work with a very small handful of people who actually have work to do, so needless to say I look a little out of place. I'll be honest, I only came to work for one reason and one reason only: Vince is here on a business trip and doesn't leave until 3pm. If we weren't going out to lunch I'd probably still be in bed watching the morning news and eating cereal.

The upside of it being ghostly quiet in the office is that I can turn up my music really loud and properly listen to it, and the number of times that people walk behind me and shake the back of my chair is cut in half. Before it used to bother me, but now I'm used it. I like to think that it's a nasty habit that people feel they must do in order to continue walking in the hallway. If they don't, then perhaps they'll be left walking around feeling like they're missing something. Their day simply won't be complete unless they stop by and shake my chair. I'm such a nice person.

This week I was given my PDS which is basically my annual review. It was not what I was expecting. I was expecting to see, "Sam is so great, we love her work, and even though she does the little tasks, it sure does make a difference and we appreciate her hard work." Instead I got "basic contributor." It was also said that I needed "close supervision" and that I get "easily flustered." Why don't we try something along the lines like I'm never at my desk because I'm too busy running around doing everyone else's bidding and the moment I sit down I'm being called or IMed saying that there's yet someone else downstairs who needs to be escorted. I get "easily flustered" because I can never get in contact with the people that I need to get in contact with and yes, that is extremely frustrating when you've been trying for THREE WHOLE DAYS. Easily flustered. Kiss my ass.

I disputed the whole thing and attached my rebuttal to the back of my PDS form.

I was also given my KREs (which are just my new tasks for the upcoming year) and it looks like I have a lot of cleaning, organizing and walking to be doing. When did I turn into the gopher for our office? It just feels like I get all of the shit jobs that nobody else wants and that's not exactly the route that I wanted to take. Not that I care too much about it all because in just four short months I should be stepping onto a plane to begin my new educational career and after that, fuck 'em. I'm going to do a kick ass job at all of my "minor" and "basic" tasks and everybody is going to love it, just like they already love my cubical.

Besides, I'm not too concerned about what SuperAdmin or Le Bitch thinks about me (they were the ones who wrote up my PDS). All of the worker bees love me and I know how they feel about the work that I do. I support all of them and those are the only reviews that really matter to me.

Posted by Sam at 09:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

My window is rolled down halfway as the smoke from my cigarette is being directed out of my car. The traffic outside sounds a lot louder than it normally does but I suppose that's because I'm not listening to my music loud like usual. I'm having yet another conversation with myself as I squint my eyes and try not to be blinded from the sunrays that are being reflected from the cars that are surrounding me.

Gridlock traffic in the mornings are normally the perfect time to sit and ponder situations that you've been shoving aside ever since that defining moment almost six months ago. The only thing that goes through my mind though is that if I've been avoiding it for almost six months, what's one more day going to do? I'll think about it another time, another morning, another traffic jam...

The truth is that I know there will never be a perfect time to sit and wade through all of the thoughts that have been collecting at the back of my mind nor will I ever be in the right mood. It's just something that has to be done in order for me to move on, gain some kind of closure.

So I sit as my fag dwindles down to the filter and think about our relationship, or the lack of relationship that we've had since I decided that I no longer wanted to be with him anymore. I think about how I handled it and that if I could do everything over differently I would. There's no need to completely disappear without any warning or explanation. You might as well have tied him to the back of a pick up truck and dragged him fifty miles down a dirt road. I wonder if I've really moved on or if I'm just over all of the drama. Part of me is still tethered and somehow I feel like I may never let go. Or be cut free...

I blame myself for almost everything but realize that I'm only human, and humans are allowed to make mistakes. I never wanted any of this to happen. Nobody ever wants things like this to happen. There's nothing good about it. You want to believe that you can be friends afterwards and hope that things won't end on bitter terms. The only coping mechanism that I could reach out for and grab a hold of immediately was The Drink and we all know that after a while the distraction fades and you're left sitting alone feeling numb with the same questions on repeat inside of your brain.

What did I do? Where did the problem begin? Can I fix it? Is there any point? Why did this happen?

I revert back to my old ways and shrink inside my shell where everything is fine and dandy. The sun is always shining, the drinks are always fresh and I don't have any worries, because worrying doesn't do anything except slow people down. I didn't want to be slowed down. I have plans, ideas and tons of work that has to be done. I can trick myself into believing that I'm happy and stable when really I've simply suppressed the hurt, anger and frustration.

It all caught up with me though and one day everything that I had been running away from was standing right in front of me, looking very pissed off and had even more questions then I had to begin with.

"DEAL WITH IT ALREADY!" my mind screams out in agony. "PLEASE, FOR ALL OF OUR SAKE'S DEAL WITH IT!"

I didn't know how though. How am I supposed to completely let go of a person that I've known and loved for two years? How am I supposed to walk away and forget about everything? What am I supposed to do?

And I learned there's nothing that really needs to be done other than to say good-bye.

Posted by Sam at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Considering I have zero prior knowledge to anything that deals with the internet and how it functions, this past week has been quite the learning experience. It has been one huge crash course in site building, html codes, servers, domain names, uploading, installing, and working templates. In truth I had been thinking about a new design for my blog for a long time I just never put any kind of action behind it. It wasn't until about two weeks ago that I actually began to ask people how they got started, what did they do, how does it all work?

Then as soon as I got word that one of my co-workers discovered where I stashed all of my writing online, that was a big enough fire lit under my ass to kick the re-modeling designs into high gear. Inside my head I was running around like a crazy lunatic trying to figure out how I could get all of these new toys to function properly together while consuming a million mini tacos. You'd actually be very surprised at how many mini tacos can be consumed in a 48 hour time frame. Obviously I wouldn't recommend it, but still, quite a surprise.

At the moment I've been fiddling around in places that I think should be left alone. I keep reading all of these online manuals that make me click on links that make me shake in my boots. I know that with one simple click of my mouse I could possibly destroy the entire make-up of my new blog. But that little part of my brain that is constantly pumping curiosity throughout my body forces my fingers to continue to click, just to see where I'll end up. So far nothing major has occurred but I have sort of/kind of done something to the Movable Type installation. It doesn't look the same as when I first got it. Now it looks really off and crappy. Sure, I can still use it but it's not really easy on my eyes. Eventually I'll have to go back, re-trace my steps and try to figure out what the hell I did in order to mess things up. Then I need to leave it all alone before it all completely breaks down.

So I'm still clicking, typing, reading and learning about these new internet lands. Hopefully I can get some brighter colors, figure out how to add all of my old archives and make it feel more like me. Until then it looks like cloudy weather for My Mumbling Thoughts.

Posted by Sam at 09:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey y'all,

So I have no idea how this thing works but I'm having tons of fun playing with all of my new handy dandy tools! Sure, it was a bit like wrestling a bear to get the damn thing installed, but now that it's up and properly running I have to say, very much well worth it.

Give me some time though. Regular posting shall resume the moment I figure out how to navigate my way around this new place.

Posted by Sam at 03:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (0)

It's dark and I'm sitting by myself in the back of an SUV. I pull my underwear and pants back on that have been down by my knees. I slide my shoes on, grab my rain jacket and search desperately for my fags in my pocketbook.

My mind is on pause and I can't seem to figure out what just happened.

Not sex. There was no sex.

I'm glad to check that off of my list.

**

The next morning I wake up hungover and searching for some comfortable clothes. I've misplaced my brain and refuse to look at myself in the bathroom mirror.

When I arrive at work I stare at my feet and make sure not to look anybody in the eyes.

Do they know? Probably. No, they can't know. It never happened.

I sit at my desk and try to go on with the day as normal. I check my voicemails.

T: "Hey, Sam. It's T. I'm just calling to see if you made it in okay. Are you okay? You know, you should really talk to H. You guys have to work together so it'll make things easier if you talk it out. Give me a call, okay?"

I don't have to talk about it. I can avoid it and remain in denial.

I search through my snacks to see if I have anything that is bread or bread-like. My stomach is churning and the water that I have doesn't seem to be helping me out fast enough. I flash back to the night before.

**

H: "You know, I'm the luckiest guy, sitting back here with the two most beautiful women on our contract."

"Uh huh. With the lowest self-esteem," I think to myself.

It's dark and I can barely feel the hands that are touching me. I'm so drunk that I can't feel my legs. How many drinks did I have? One, two, seven? Quite a lot I know that.

H: "What can I do to make you feel better?"

Is he talking to me? I don't remember saying that I felt bad.

A little kiss on the forehead, cheek and then mouth. That's supposed to make me feel better? The hands continue to move on my skin. I can feel the palm of his hands. They're warm. I'm cold. I'm so cold.

In the moment I don't care about what's going on. He keeps talking and I lay there like a vegetable. There's nothing emotional about it, I feel nothing. All I can make out are dark figures and the only thing that catches my eye is the glint of light that reflects off of his ring that has been wrapped around his ring finger the whole time.

**

After work I find myself at Tower, my new home away from home. I buy some CDs and then sit in my car listening to the soothing sounds of Hotel Lights. There's an overcast sky and the clouds appear to be teasing us. Will it rain? Maybe, maybe not.

I can't help the quick flashes from the night before that randomly pop up in my head. It doesn't matter how loud I turn up my music, how many cigarettes I smoke, or how hard I scrub myself with anti-bacterial soap in the shower, it's still there. I squeeze both sides of my head with my hands and think if I squeeze hard enough they'll be pushed out of my head through my ears.

My only way of keeping some kind of control over it is falling asleep. I'm so tired from the late night and the drinking. I fall asleep with the last words that T said to me as she dropped me off at my car that was patiently waiting for me in the parking lot.

"Don't worry about it, Sam. It never happened."

If it never happened, then why am I carrying it around with me everywhere that I go?

Posted by Sam at 07:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Until Thursday I'm going to be back on the third floor answering the two calls that come in for the day and explaining to people that no, I'm not back down here, I'm just filling in for the new girl who really has a name and who I need to quit calling "The New Girl" and instead refer to her as, Erin, since that is her name after all.

Ah, yes. Our new admin/HR support girl. What can I say? She's fab. Really. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying the whole Let's Not Hate Every Female On The Planet exercise. She's really cool and we get on pretty well. Besides, she listens to the exact same music that I listen to, and we all know that if you share my love of music then we're automatically going to be life long friends who go to rock concerts and stalk after boys in bands that make our hips sway from side to side.

This has been a semi-interesting day as I've found myself easily slipping back into my bored ways. I now remember why I loathed sitting here so much and it has barely been over a month! Geez, I must have really shoved all of those horrible memories out of my brain. I remember seeing Erin about a week after she had started and seeing the same exact look on her face that was permanently frozen on my face for nine months. It was scary seeing that look being reflected back at me. The one that says in a sort of subtle way, "please, save me from this hell!" Only people who have sat in a job like this will immediately recognize the plea for help. Everyone else just casually glide by your desk like they have important business to attend to.

On the positive side, I have managed to get a TON of reading done. In case you don't already know, I've signed myself up for BlogLaughs. It's a blog where you are sent three blog links every week or so, you read them and then rate them on a scale of 1-10 based on content, design, grammar and such. It's a nifty idea and I've discovered a lot of blogs that are cute, laugh out loud kind of funny and just down right hilarious.

I did feel pretty bad on the last set of blogs because I only had time to read one of the three that were sent to me. I didn't get to put in my two cents about the other two, but I thought I'd much rather not say anything at all instead of briefly skimming over the blogs and sending some half-hearted review. I like to really comb through the posts and get a feel for the blog. It's only right. This time around however, I've got two read and finished and I'm still reading up on the third one. It has definitely put a smile on my face.

On the not-so-positive side, I figured out how to read my SAR report that was sent to me last week. I didn't really understand everything that they had sent to me, but after a little help from Erich in the finance department for the IEFC I figured out how to read the damn thing.

The bad news is that I'm a 35092. That's a bad thing. It means that based on the information that they have on record for me, I am not eligible for a Federal Pell Grant, but! I may be eligible for other aid.

Well hot damn.

I'm pretty bummed that the government sucks Big Time and refuses to share their gazillions with poor little me, but I figured it was going to happen anyway since I just had to put Momma's information on my FAFSA and according to some folks, she's rich.

Bastards.

Have no fear though, because dear Erich has had tougher situations than mine. I mean, the horror stories he could tell me! But won't. He's cooking up a plan where I can get a ginormous loan that I'll have to pay off even after I'm dead. My thoughts? Totally worth it and if I'm going to go in, I might as well go all the way. I may have to ask Momma for a loan too, which I hate.

If you're wondering why I hate the thought of asking Momma for money, it's not because of my pride and thinking that I can make it on my own without her. I know for a fact that I couldn't make it completely without her. It's just because she has already paid for me for over twenty years now. The money that she earns these days is hers. Why should I be taking it away just so I can run off to London and have a kick ass time while earning my degree? I missed my college boat two years ago anyway. If I had been traditional and went straight into college after high school, then maybe it wouldn't have felt so bad, but two years after the fact? It's not really her problem anymore.

Aside from the money drama, I found three escapee double stuf oreos in my desk upstairs when I went searching for my SAR information. They were a nice dessert after the Five Guys burger that I had for lunch. The only problem now is that there are crumbs everywhere. When I'm typing I can feel the little bits of cookie underneath my fingertips. Who would have thought that three little cookies could be so messy?

Posted by Sam at 01:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

It seems like these past few weeks my brain has been like teflon; nothing sticks. I've been doing a lot of talking but I don't really say anything and I hear a lot of things but I'm not really listening. I've just been floating in my own world where flower petals swirl around me and I do a lot of twirling like a ballerina.

It's so strange.

Sure, things have been going on but it's nothing spectacular that I feel this sudden need to write it all down. Not that I need something spectacular to happen in order for me to write, the urge just hasn't been there. I could sit and write about a piece of chewed up bubble gum that I saw on the sidewalk if I wanted to, but lately these days I just haven't been in the mood.

Not in the mood to write? You crazy lady!

So yeah, not a whole lot has been going on upstairs. That doesn't mean that I haven't taken notice to this sudden change in my way of thinking. I have. Well, until I get distracted by the leafy, green trees or the large hawks that play in the skies on windy days. Then I get side tracked again and lose my train of thought.

During the moments when I am actually focused on one subject I’ve come to the conclusion that I might have reached a level in my life that I haven’t had in a while. This is what I like to call being “content.” You’re not overly happy or absolutely depressed to the point you’re not sure if you even want to see the sun rise the next day. You’re just…content.

It’s a damn good feeling.

These days I’m just taking things easy, going with the flow, rolling with the punches if you will. I have accepted many, many things simply because I had to. I knew that if I had continued in the state that I was in a couple of months ago I’d end up in the local hospital for going absolutely mad. I suppose it was also a combination of being moved upstairs and not being so stressed out at work about Le Bitch and what her next problem with me was going to be. Being upstairs is not only easier on me and my feet, but I feel like I can get a lot more things done during the day and I’m a lot more efficient.

Life is just so much more laid back and I don’t have the same worries that I had a couple of weeks ago. If I had to take a guess, I’d say that this would be me stopping to smell the roses and enjoying everything around me for a change instead of freaking out over every little thing.

Now if you think that sounds scary, I must also tell you that I’m in such a content state that I’m not even concerned about any icebergs that may be ahead of me. Yep. Normally when I hit these kinds of moments I become all paranoid and convince myself that something bad was getting ready to happen. Something was wrong and why am I letting my guard down? Everyone knows the second you let your guard down that’s when all of the madness begins. I should be keeping my eyes peeled for bright neon signs that say “WARNING: DRAMATIC LIFE ALTERING ICEBERG AHEAD!”

But I’m not and that’s also a damn good feeling. I’ve been through enough shit to know that if something bad does happen while I’m in my content state, I’ll make it through to the other side and with enough given time things do work out. Until then I'm just going to continue driving with my windows rolled down, my music turned up loud and a sickly big smile sprawled across my face for no apparent reason. These moments don't come along often so I might as well enjoy it to the fullest for as long as I can.

Posted by Sam at 01:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The weekends are my time to be alone, have quiet time and rest. Momma and Mel normally are working so that allows me to sleep in and enjoy the day at my slow pace. I've sort of fallen into a certain routine though that I'm used to. It consists of me waking up, eating breakfast, checking my regular things on the internet, watching What Not to Wear on BBCAmerica and then start my chores.

I always begin my chores with starting a load of laundry. I'm not sure why I chose that to kick off my cleaning spree, but I have and I like it. I like it a lot. It's nice to have the washing machine and the dryer chugging along in the background doing their own thing while I continue on with everything else. It's like one thing that I can start and leave alone. The washer and dryer does everything for me. I can start it and then forget about it.

Well, I forget about it until the timer goes off that lets me know it's time to start a new load.

This past week our dryer died.

We noticed that something was wrong when we opened the door and the light didn't automatically turn on. We also noticed that it didn't matter how long we left the clothes in they never dried. Something was obviously wrong.

On Friday Momma and Mel decided to pull the dryer out and see what was wrong with it. Perhaps a wire had come loose or the lint trap had clogged up the part where the heat comes out. They discovered something a little more frightening.

Our dryer had a shitty installer and two of the wires had melted completely. Talk about a serious fire hazard.

Momma pushed our dryer back into the laundry room and said that we were without a dryer this weekend. We'd have to call someone to come and fix it on Monday.

Monday? Monday! What about laundry? What was I going to do now?!

I wasn't worried about having enough clothes to last me all of next week. I make sure that I shop for enough clothes in case of an emergency like this. I could iron some stuff and take some other things to the dry cleaners. I was more worried about my cleaning routine. How was I going to handle not having the soothing sounds of the washer and dryer in the background while I did my weekend cleaning? How was I supposed to cope?

I didn't. I fell into a mourning and stayed in my room for most of the weekend while I ate double stuf oreos with milk (otherwise known as "homemade chocolate milk") and watched the Simple Life marathon on the E! channel.

It was such a sad sight.

On Saturday I didn't feel like cleaning. I was tempted to separate the clothes that I wasn't taking to the dry cleaners and make my usual piles in the hallway so it would appear like I'd do some laundry but I knew that wouldn't work. I'd only be lying to myself in hopes that our dryer would magically come back to life. There was no point to live in denial.

I went downstairs, attempted to clean the middle floor but quickly ended up on the couch listening to the Dixie Chicks on the radio. There was no hope for me. I just wasn't in the mood.

I am certain now that I simply cannot live without a dryer. I need it. It's not just for my cleaning routine, but it's the other small things that it does for me. Whenever I'm running late in the mornings (which is almost every day) and I want to wear a pair of pants that I don't have time to iron then I can just toss them in the dryer, let it spin for a couple of minutes, shake them out and I'm good to go out the door. Not only that but how nice is it when you pull out fresh, warm clothes or blankets from the dryer? Is that not one of the greatest feelings in the world? It smells nice, feels warm against your skin and you just want to curl underneath it all.

Not only that, dry cleaning is expensive! I dropped off our clothes this morning and it cost me $47.25. What the fuck? Sure, it's convenient, but it takes a serious chunk out of your wallet. I'll take my warm, fresh, cheap dryer over the convenient, expensive dry cleaners any day of the week.

Posted by Sam at 01:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)