My Mumbling Thoughts

My window is rolled down halfway as the smoke from my cigarette is being directed out of my car. The traffic outside sounds a lot louder than it normally does but I suppose that's because I'm not listening to my music loud like usual. I'm having yet another conversation with myself as I squint my eyes and try not to be blinded from the sunrays that are being reflected from the cars that are surrounding me.

Gridlock traffic in the mornings are normally the perfect time to sit and ponder situations that you've been shoving aside ever since that defining moment almost six months ago. The only thing that goes through my mind though is that if I've been avoiding it for almost six months, what's one more day going to do? I'll think about it another time, another morning, another traffic jam...

The truth is that I know there will never be a perfect time to sit and wade through all of the thoughts that have been collecting at the back of my mind nor will I ever be in the right mood. It's just something that has to be done in order for me to move on, gain some kind of closure.

So I sit as my fag dwindles down to the filter and think about our relationship, or the lack of relationship that we've had since I decided that I no longer wanted to be with him anymore. I think about how I handled it and that if I could do everything over differently I would. There's no need to completely disappear without any warning or explanation. You might as well have tied him to the back of a pick up truck and dragged him fifty miles down a dirt road. I wonder if I've really moved on or if I'm just over all of the drama. Part of me is still tethered and somehow I feel like I may never let go. Or be cut free...

I blame myself for almost everything but realize that I'm only human, and humans are allowed to make mistakes. I never wanted any of this to happen. Nobody ever wants things like this to happen. There's nothing good about it. You want to believe that you can be friends afterwards and hope that things won't end on bitter terms. The only coping mechanism that I could reach out for and grab a hold of immediately was The Drink and we all know that after a while the distraction fades and you're left sitting alone feeling numb with the same questions on repeat inside of your brain.

What did I do? Where did the problem begin? Can I fix it? Is there any point? Why did this happen?

I revert back to my old ways and shrink inside my shell where everything is fine and dandy. The sun is always shining, the drinks are always fresh and I don't have any worries, because worrying doesn't do anything except slow people down. I didn't want to be slowed down. I have plans, ideas and tons of work that has to be done. I can trick myself into believing that I'm happy and stable when really I've simply suppressed the hurt, anger and frustration.

It all caught up with me though and one day everything that I had been running away from was standing right in front of me, looking very pissed off and had even more questions then I had to begin with.

"DEAL WITH IT ALREADY!" my mind screams out in agony. "PLEASE, FOR ALL OF OUR SAKE'S DEAL WITH IT!"

I didn't know how though. How am I supposed to completely let go of a person that I've known and loved for two years? How am I supposed to walk away and forget about everything? What am I supposed to do?

And I learned there's nothing that really needs to be done other than to say good-bye.