My Mumbling Thoughts

I spent my Saturday doing two things; the first half was me laying about the house being miserable because our air conditioner broke AGAIN. I tossed and turned with all of the windows open, the fans blasting on high and cursing the humidity. The second part of my day was laying about in our house after the air conditioner was fixed by a strange man whose name I can't remember only because my brain had already melted and seeped out of my ears onto our wooden floors.

It was a day where I had a lot of time on my hands and the first time in a long time where I simply didn't do anything. I didn't feel like moving because any kind of movement just made me uncomfortable. I did a fair amount of watching bad television and eating ice cubes.

Although whenever I took a break from being lazy I thought about the next couple of weeks and really all of the work that I had piling up to the ceilings. I thought that the past few months were busy but now that I've guarenteed my money and will officially be moving I feel like I shouldn't be lazing about on my weekends.

Or should I?

**

When I really get down and think about it, all of the packing, the planning, the cleaning, the organizing, the squeezing of luggage and deciding which items are a must to bring along with me, it all seems pretty daunting. The surprising thing is that I'm nowhere near as frazzled or freaked out as I thought I would be. The entire time that I was researching about getting into school, I was also mentally preparing myself for the days ahead if it all somehow magically worked out. Now that it has, I know exactly what I'm going to do, what I'm going to clean, what is a must to bring with me and the hundreds of other little tasks I must do before I leave.

Since I know that it won't be long until I'm crazy/busy up to my eyeballs, I figure it's only necessary for me to take some time off and dare I say it...relax. I need to take some time to enjoy my big accomplishment, celebrate with friends and chill the fuck out.

So I've been doing just that. The other day, Lora and I went and got a pedicure and took a trip to the mall where I bought a couple of items from one of my favorite stores: American Eagle. Lora is, by the way, "Lauren" on here. I finally gave her the link to my blog and now that she knows about it, it feels way too weird to keep referring to her as "Lauren". So let's all say hi to one of my best girl friends. HI LORA!

I have to say that it was refreshing and really good girl therapy that requires zero excuses and never makes me feel guilty.

Aside from afternoons out with one of my favorite gal pals, I've been taking pleasure in just being alone and doing lots and lots of thinking. It may sound stupid, but all of a sudden I've been noticing a lot of tiny things that I already miss and it hasn't even been a complete week since I learned about my loan. I'm going to miss my coworkers and all of their quirky personalities, the food, obviously, hanging out at home with Momma and Mel, driving my car, hanging out with my friends, my entire daily routine, and hell, I'm even going to miss sitting in traffic just a little bit. I don't want to rush anything but at the same time it almost feels like I should start saying my good-bye's now just so they aren't so heart breakingly devastating for me when that final day does arrive.

**

After my day ended and my family tucked themselves in bed upstairs, I decided to stand in our garage and smoke while I watched one of the many summer thunderstorms that I'm used to. I remembered when I was small staying with our grandma in North Carolina and walking around barefoot in her backyard whenever we had a downpour. It was one of my favorite things to do and something I haven't done in years. I thought about walking around outside to properly enjoy the weather but decided against it. I'd be doing plenty of walking in the rain in London, although it may not be as nice as this night. Probably more cold and annoying but still, it was nice to just listen and remember.

Then I thought about how long its been since I was that little girl twirling in the rain. I still carry her around with me inside along with her fears, insecurities and worries. Now though, the more grown-up, experienced young adult that I am now assures her that things will be okay. It took a long time for me to grow to this point but now that I'm here it feels right.