Wherein I'm vague and yet, oh so detailed.
I come from a family who likes to talk. A lot. About everything. Not only do we talk a lot about everything, but we enjoy all of those nitty gritty details that most would find offensive or repulsing. It doesn't matter if we're in the middle of watching a TV program or eating dinner, nothing seems to bother us and we've never come across a line that shouldn't be crossed. Our problems, our thoughts, our feelings, our ideas, our troubles, our worries, our highs and lows - it's all out there to be viewed, analyzed and probed until there's nothing but dust leftover.
The thing that I've never really understood or have gotten used to, is that sometimes things just need to be left unsaid. I never take into consideration that some people simply Don't Want To Hear It. They would prefer not knowing and remain in the dark on certain subjects or events that are going on. So whenever I'm talking about something and I cross that line of Too Much Information and the person doesn't respond in the same way that the rest of my family does, I'm not sure how to handle it. I can't process or fathom that certain things or topics make people uncomfortable.
"What? You don't want to know about this? You don't want to talk about it with me for hours on end until we can no longer talk or hold our eyes open? But why?"
This past week, I did just that. I let my mouth run away with me, yet again, and gave too many details to someone who simply Did Not Want To Hear It. They ended up not talking to me for two days and then asked me why I felt so compelled to tell them this. Why?
And it's a very reasonable question. One that I feel deserves an answer. One, however, that I'm not even entirely sure how to answer, considering I don't know the answer myself. All I know, all I can figure out, all that I'm assuming what the answer might be, is it's just how I am.
Now for some that might be an acceptable answer to give. "Hey, man, it's just how I am. Deal with it, alright?" But for me and my brain that never shuts off and likes to spin things around until I'm so dizzy my eyes swirl around like those characters in crazy cartoons, it's not an acceptable answer. There has to be more. There needs to be more in order for me to feel like I have a better understanding of myself and give a proper answer to that who is asking.
If I dig way back into the Files That Are Sam's Past, then I can go back to a time when I wasn't so open with people, when I wasn't entirely honest, and when I basically lead a double life. When I was in high school, I did things that I knew Momma wouldn't approve of, but that I still wanted to experience and try out. Drugs? Did it. Smoking? Still do it. Drinking? Whenever I get around to it and find a person who is over the age of twenty-one and willing to buy for me. I skipped school, got in fights with other students, talked back to teachers and gave off this persona that was nothing but Miss Attitude. When I went back home though, it was an entirely different story. I was the perfect angel that Momma knew and loved who was a young, bright and stuidous lady that never had any interest in doing things that were "bad".
After four years of the constant pretending and the never ending lying, it became too much and I eventually had an emotional breakdown in my neighbor's dining room late one fateful Saturday evening.
As I was packing my things up and preparing to move my entire life up to Virginia, I vowed that I would never tell another lie to anyone. I would never allow myself to ever get this low, for things to get to this bad. I never wanted to look into another person's face and see the disappointment and hurt in their eyes like I saw in Momma's through my tears of guilt. It was, and still is, the worst feeling that I've ever felt my entire life.
Now in the present day, I make it a point to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Well, okay, I rationalize a lot and live on the "need to know" lifestyle, but life is a million times easier if you just tell it how it is and not have to worry about coming up with another story to cover up a story. I don't have that guilt constantly eating away at my insides leaving my wounds exposed, ready for anyone to stab. I also feel like if I tell you every single detail about my life, then I'm not lying. You can never tell me that I tried to keep information from you, because here I am, volunteering it all for everyone. It's not that I walk around with a newsletter every day informing everybody that I pass on the street on the current updates of my life, but if you want to know, I'll tell you. And not only will I tell you, but I'll actually sit you down, describe the play-by-play and say, "no, I'm not finished talking yet!" when you want to get up and walk away.
Occasionally I will bring things up in conversation though, just because I want to talk about it. I'll want to get something off of my chest and share my thoughts with you, because to me, that's how people bond and get closer. You share the good times and the bad times, you trust others with your feelings, you let them get a closer look and you allow them to feel the same things that you're feeling. It's not because I intentionally like putting my life on display and being the attention whore that I am, but it's because I want you to get a better understanding of what lies beneath my every day exterior.
And not only do I want to share everything that is me with you, but I want you to do the same with me.
Comments
You rock, girl. Say it all. Always. I am the same way. And if someone doesn't like it or can't handle it then they need to pour some concrete on their hangdowns and be tougher.
Posted by: Voodoo | July 21, 2006 02:26 PM
I'm the same way. Discretion isn't always my strong suit, but I figure that if I've got nothing to hide, why be coy?
Posted by: Leah | July 21, 2006 07:13 PM
That's very admirable. I'm a bit closed up myself, but because I don't feel comfortable talking about some things. I do make a point out of saying: "I don't want to talk about it" instead of lying though
Posted by: erik | July 22, 2006 06:57 AM