Crazy Psycho Bitch
And for once I'm not talking about myself.
This past week has been like an episode straight out of Dawson's Creek. It's your classic, girl has crush on boy, boy has crush on girl, but boy also has crush on a different girl and wants both girls to be happy with the fact that he wants to "hang out" with them both at the same time.
Heh. Yeah right.
Calm down, I'm not talking about me. No, no. With all of the mental shit that is going on up in my brain, I am far too fucked up to be dealing with any of my own boy troubles. Instead I am witnessing it from the sidelines and being excellent girl support for one of my good gal pals. Besides, it's a great distraction to be caught up in somebody else's drama instead of my own that I create in my made up world.
I can tell you the story, but since everything is still very much in the Thick Of Things, I have to use corny nicknames that my friend and I have come up with in order to keep things private. Don't laugh. We were both drunk and not exactly in the middle of one of our brightest moments.
First off, there's the guy, Lobster (have you never seen the Friends episode?). Then there's my friend, Bitch, and I only say it like Nicole Richie. It's more endearing and sweet, not rude and offensive. And last, there's Stick Girl, who we all hate because she's stupid and ugly.
Right, I'm sorry. That wasn't fair of me.
She's just ugly.
The entire situation in a semi-nutshell goes a little something like this...
Bitch has been married for almost eight years. She has been a stay at home mom (or as Dooce likes to say, Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker) for seven years and this is her first job outside of her house in a long time. Has she been happily married? For the most part, she admits that things were nice, but as time went on, things began to fall apart and now she no longer sees her husband the way she used to. She has cheated on him before, and she's more than positive he has been with somebody else as well. I'm not sure why they're still together, but that's not for me to say.
Lobster is a coworker. I never even knew that Lobster and Bitch were interested in each other, so when Bitch told me that the two of them had slept together, I was floored.
Me: "Shut up! Y'all did not have sex."
Bitch: "Yep, we sure did."
Me: "Damn, I had no idea."
Bitch: "Yeah, we're trying to keep things quiet, so don't tell anybody."
Me: "I won't, I won't. Don't worry."
Fast forward a couple of weeks, and things seem to be going well between Bitch and Lobster. They've got what appears to be a decent fuck buddy situation and nothing more. But of course, as we all know, there is more. There's always more and if there's anything that TV has taught us it's that there always will be more if only for the sake of good drama.
Cue, Stick Girl. She's a young blonde chick from Florida on a field package, which means that she'll be leaving soon. She is a perfect formula for a quick fling and then she'll be sent back home with no strings attached. I can see how some guys would be attracted to that, Lobster being one of them.
I like to say that Bitch is just like me in a lot of ways. I see our similarities and we find it uncanny how the two of us can easily finish each other's sentences. It's like we have unspoken conversations whenever the two of us talk and it's mostly just about facial expressions. On the exterior we're both seemingly very tough, independent chicks who don't take any shit off of anybody. We don't care who it is, we'll go down putting up a damn good fight, and no matter how much we say that we're fine or that we're doing well, secretly, deep down, there's a war of emotions battling inside of us.
So I knew right away that it was more than a simple fuck buddy situation for Bitch and Lobster. I could see her high school eyes batting their eye lashes at him whenever she'd see him in the hallways, and I heard how her voice changed and sounded a little softer whenever he would come around. I knew her feelings were more than just The Sex. She liked him, and from what she told me about their conversations, he liked her too.
If we fast forward a little more, then you stumble upon a very drunk night between Bitch and I. A couple of weekends ago, I drove high up into the mountains so that I could drink vodka and forget my first name. I succeeded. That is the night I learned that lasagne, vodka and beer are never good together.
I also learned that Lobster had gone out to a bar and made out with Stick Girl.
Yeah. There was a lot of dramatic shit to go through that night.
Now the triangle is official with Lobster slapped all over the middle. I'm over on the side watching from a safe distance and on either sides of Lobster is both Bitch and Stick Girl with their hands placed firmly on their hips impatiently waiting for Lobster's repsonse, which is an ultimatum. I hate ultimatums. No good ever comes out of them.
Bitch: "Listen to this bullshit, man! He fucking tells me that he wants a relationship with her. He wants a relationship with her. But! Wait, it gets better. If I leave my husband, then he'll be with me, because he really likes me. What kind of fucked up shit is that man?!"
Me: "Wait, where are you now? Where are you going?"
Bitch: "I'm in my truck going home. I just left the movie theater."
Me: "You didn't stay for the movie? What were you guys going to watch?"
Bitch: "So not the point man! Problems here!"
Me: "Oh right, sorry. Okay, let me get all of the facts straight so that I know what's going on. Y'all went to happy hour and she shows up."
Bitch: "Right."
Me: "He has been ignoring you for the most part of the night anyway, and after she shows up it only continues to get worse."
Bitch: "Yep."
Me: "After a while, Lobster's friends suggest that you guys go to a movie, and Stick Girl turns the offer down and says that she won't go because apparently 'Lobster is in very good hands' sounding all bitchified."
Bitch: "Uh huh."
Me: "And then Lobster tells you that you two need to talk where he then drops the ultimatum on you right before you walk into the theater, therefore ruining future moive experiences at least for the next three months."
Bitch: "Exactly, you got it."
Me: "Well, the answer seems simple to me...fuck him."
Bitch: "Really?"
Me: "Really. Honestly, Bitch, you don't need that. We both know that it's not like y'all are in a monogamous relationship so you don't have any kind of right over him, nor does he have one over you. To me it sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. You don't know what he has said to her, and the fact is, you might as well get out now before the shit hits the fan and everything gets even more messy than it already is."
Bitch: "I know, I know. It's just...it's just that I really liked him, you know? I haven't felt those kind of feelings in a long time and it was nice. I like it."
Me: "Of course you do. We all do. Say, since your close to my place, why don't you swing by, we'll smoke some cigarettes and you can get it out of your system. You can't go home with your mascara down to your chin and tell your husband that you're crying because of work shit. He may fall for a lot of things, but I don't think that that'll be one of them."
She agreed and I told her the directions on how to get to my house. She was only about ten minutes away, so when thirty had passed and she hadn't arrived yet, two things went through my mind.
1st: He called her, she turned around and was headed back to his place to talk.
2nd: She got into a car accident.
It was the first thing. A couple of minutes after those two thoughts went through my head, my cell phone started ringing and her name flashed across my screen.
Bitch: "It's okay, you can tell me that I'm an idiot, I know I am."
Me: "You're not an idiot, I just don't think that it's a good idea."
Bitch: "I know, but if I don't take care of this tonight, I won't get any sleep and I won't be able to look at him the rest of the time that we work together. I need to be able to go to work every day. I just hope I don't go all crazy psycho bitch on him. I'll call you as soon as I get some news."
Me: "Okay, but don't let him see you cry anymore. He doesn't deserve it."
Bitch: "I won't. I'll talk to you later."
Me: "Bye."
I still don't know any of the details because we haven't had a chance to properly talk today, but from the small fraction of the story that has been shared with me I know this...
Bitch doesn't want Lobster. Well, not really. What she wants is that emotional connection that the two of them have together. What she doesn't get at home, she finds it in Lobster and those sweet, sweet feelings that have been sleeping for all of those years are fully awake now and need lots of attention. I don't know Lobster very well, but I'm pretty sure that even if Bitch did decide to leave her husband for him, he wouldn't stick around for very long anyway. She has three kids, he has one of his own, and from what I've heard, he doesn't really spend that much time with the one he has anyway. To me he doesn't seem stable enough to deal with everything that Bitch has going on, which is why Stick Girl is so attractive to him. She's single, childless and won't be around our local area for very much longer anyway. He can have his fun without all of the dramatic consequences.
But of course he doesn't want to mess things up with Bitch. They had a nice fuck buddy situation going on until all of those pesky emotions got in the way. Now they're attached, words have been said, lines have been established and things are a little more complicated than before. It's not just, "let's meet after work for a quick fuck" anymore. It's "let's meet after work for a quick fuck, and then talk about where we're going, where is this leading to and 'I don't want to hurt you' conversations." Nobody enjoys that.
Quite frankly, if it were up to me and I was in Bitch's situation, I'd leave the dead beat husband, drop Lobster like he has a contagious disease and forget that Stick Girl even exists. Who cares that she has three kids to raise on her own and work a full time job that takes up fourteen hours of her life every day. Life is hard, shit gets tough and before she can even think about being happy with somebody else, she needs to learn how to be happy with herself. Once she learns how to walk on her own the rest will soon follow. And if Lobster really did care for her, he'd wait without any hesitation.
But again, I don't know shit and it's not my business. I just put my two cents in whenever she asks for it and the rest of the time I'm her support system. She has enough voices in her own head trying to shove their way to the front and talk her to death. Trust me, I know the feeling.