My Mumbling Thoughts

Alright, go ahead and burn a bright scarlet A upon my chest and throw trash at me as I walk the streets. I've got a new man interest that comes with a tiny bit of drama. Tiny. Small blip. Hardly noticeable. Some people may disagree or think differently from me, but that's okay. That's one of the benefits of having your own opinion.

A couple of people that I've talked to about him tell me that yeah, it's kind of fucked up.

"You want to date one of his friends? Isn't that one of the rules that you don't break after you call it quits? Don't date one of their friends."

"Well, we were friends before Ash and I broke up and I didn't want to quit talking to him just because we were no longer together. That didn't seem fair. Besides, it's not like I planned for any of this to happen. It has kind of just evolved over the past couple of months. It's not like they're even best-best friends these days. They hardly talk. They're former friends."

"You can rationalize it all as much as you want, girl. It's still fucked up."

And perhaps it is. Perhaps I'm a terrible person because I like a guy who just so happens to be one of my ex-boyfriend's friends (former friends, remember?). Maybe there's something wrong with me or I have a little switch in my brain that can't quite make the connection. Who knows. It just doesn't seem to be that big of a deal to me. I know if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't be pissed at Ash. So long as he was really happy, then I would be happy for him. Well, maybe I'd be a little pissed at first, but over time I know I'd learn to accept it. I've never had any malicious feelings towards Ash, and have only wanted him to be truly happy no matter what.

Now I don't think about it that much. Okay, to be honest, I don't think about it at all. I used to, but Jon is his own person so there's no need to make any kind of attachment with the two. I don't see any point in it and find it to be a complete waste of time to compare people to one another.

So I don't.

Aside from the one teeny, tiny stipulation, things are great. He's funny, he's smart and he's cute. Sure, we haven't properly met face-to-face...yet.

Alright, maybe there's two stipulations.

The thing is, I'm not really sure what to classify us as. We're friends, but we like each other. Let me break it down to you in high school terms. We don't just "like" each other. We like-like each other. I have adopted a term that describes what we have perfectly; potential. I don't want to say anything else or think of it any other way right now that could jeopardize what we already have, which is a fabulous friendship. It's a - We'll Have To Wait And See What Happens - kind of thing.

I know what you're thinking, trust me. I've thought the exact same things. You think this is just a rebound relationship or perhaps I'm diving head first into something too big too soon. I'm just looking to replace something that I've lost and shouldn't I enjoy being single for a while? And maybe you're right. They're all very valid points which I have spent a long time pondering. I figure that I'm aware of it though and I'm not going to re-trace the same footsteps that I made with Ash or any other previous boyfriends in the past. I may have been with Ash for two years, but we weren't exactly together all the time. I've been doing the single thing for a long time now and the word is in: I want to be the other half of a couple. I like it. I miss it.

So it seems like we're in a holding period. The most we can do at the moment is talk, and if the reality lives up to his words, then I see things being very good. The only thing I don't like is the constant wondering and "what ifs". You know, he says he can cook, but can he? He claims he'll go dancing out in public, but will he? It all seems very anti-climactic and sets me a little on edge. Anybody can say anything, it's all a matter of doing it when the time arrives.

For the time being I'll be dancing around on my tippy-toes and treading water lightly. It's something that's very hard for me to do since I am so damn impatient, and I've been forcing myself to not go overboard and place extreme amounts of pressure and expectations on everything. I have to constantly tell my brain to stop thinking, no more wandering, day dreaming over, and focus my attention elsewhere. I think it's a good thing for me to learn though.

This would be me Going With The Flow, I guess. We'll see. There's a lot of potential for things to come here in the very near future.