My Mumbling Thoughts

- "Why did you choose London?"

Mostly I wanted to move there to study, not because I've always dreamed of attending college overseas, but because I just wanted to live there all the time and going back to school was the only way I could think of after we returned from The Great Vacation that was New Year's. It was the perfect and simplest plan that I could devise at the time. Also, because I tend to get ancy if I stay in one place for too long. When I was growing up, the only place that I lived for the longest was in North Carolina, and that's because Momma had retired from the military. I was so used to moving every two to three years, it just seemed natural to me. Regardless of what I say about hating Change and dealing with all of the struggles of adjusting to a new life in a new place, I thrive on it. Not only that, but I don't have to deal with all of those pesky extra curricular courses that I'm more than positive I would have failed. Math? Science? I don't have to worry about paying tons of money for things that don't interest me. I only focus on what I want to do, which is what I thought college was all about anyway.

- "Are you excited?"

Of course I'm fucking excited! Along with petrified, nervous and scared to name a few of the other emotions that have been swarming inside of me for the past couple of months. There's a lot of different things that I think of when I sit and wonder about the near future. I doubt myself way too often and even though I still think about backing out all together, I know I'm in far too deep for me to actually do it. It's like when I got my belly button ring, only on a much larger scale. I had wanted my belly button pierced ever since I was fourteen when I saw Trisha sporting her's next to her locker in the 9th grade. I thought that my belly button was already cute, but how much cuter would it be if I had a belly ring dangling from it? A whole lot cuter, that's how much. Three years later, I finally got it done, and even though I was scared and a little nervous (plus a lot drunk), I finally got it. I took one deep breath and by the time I had exhaled, it was all over with, completely painless. I still have my belly ring to this day and love it just as much as when I first got it. That's what I'm reminded of when I think about moving out and flailing about on my own. It might be a little strange, but it's true.

- "What will you miss the most?"

Alright, yes, I'll miss my family and friends. That's a given. And I'll also miss all of my regular food joints that I go to frequently. The one thing though that I'll miss the most is my first child who has put up with me every single day ever since my 16th birthday and has been with me throughout the good and the very bad times; my car.

God I'm going to fucking miss my car.

I remember the first day I bought her and how proud I was to be driving around in my pre-owned, fancy, 2001 Chevy Cavalier. I've been making the car payments, paying the insurance, keeping up with the oil changes and filling her up with gas for almost five years now. She houses all of my CDs, extra clothes, random shoes, trash, food and dead bugs. She has put up with me beating her up, calling her ugly and wishing that I had a new car. Even after all of my abuse though, and wondering why I keep up with the maintenence, I love her to pieces and could never give her away. When I think about all of the nights we've spent driving around aimlessly listening to music at dusk, or driving friends around to go from so many different places, I smile, because she has always been good to me. I've done my best thinking sitting in my car while stuck in traffic. I've slept in my car when I was too scared to go back home. Basically, I live out of my car and she is an extension of me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now that she won't be with me. I'm sure that I'll cry when we share our last drive together.

- "Will you be back?"

No. I don't want to come back here and work. Maybe I'll be an intern for a summer or two, but as far as me coming back on full time, I'll have to pass on that. It's not that this job is horrible, it's just that it's not for me. The admin scene would be a lot more fun in my opinion if we had other admins around who were willing to work and didn't piss me off so much. Not only that, but I've already learned that I'm not built for the Corporate World. I don't have the energy, nor do I care to fight the same fights that others have been battling for eons. I would much rather go to a job that I like and spend most of the day working on something that interests me and makes me happy, rather than complain with other coworkers about This Problem or That Problem and feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly constantly staring at the clock wishing that it was time for me to leave. Call me crazy, but I think if you go some place that you actually like and want to be, you'll be a whole lot more productive with your time. I know, it's an insane thought, but I'm going to give it a whirl after I'm finished with college instead of sitting in the same place every single day forcing myself to not overdose on expired food from the vending machines.

Those would be my answers to them if I felt like sharing.

**

With only eleven more working days on the calendar, obviously my thoughts are only consumed with leaving. Every day I'm more aware of the time I have. Well, lack of time. It's nothing but circles and re-tracing the same things over and over. I'm irritating myself. I just want to wake up, pack my shit and get the show on the road. I chew on my nails, pick at the skin around my fingers and have noticed that my cigarettes are disappearing a lot faster. I'm tired of switching every day from, "I'm excited and can't wait to leave!" to "fuck this shit, I just want to live at home for the rest of my life." I want to stop writing about the same topic over and over. I want to start writing about the new people I'm going to meet, what my dorm room looks like, how the food is, my classes, all of the different sites, what I'm thinking and feeling. That's what I'm ready to write about. That's what I want to do. That's what I want to experience.

It's what I need. Because sitting here so close on the edge of The End and The Beginning is slowly killing me and driving me nuts.

Somebody please throw a cold bucket of water on my head now.