My Mumbling Thoughts

I am proud to say that I am one of those people who can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. I've been known to drift off in the mornings while standing in front of my sink and brushing my teeth. I can sit in my cube, shut my eyes and easily catch a twenty minute nap. So why am I all of a sudden having problems with getting my much needed beauty rest?

It has been at least two weeks now that I've been having issues falling asleep at night. My sleep pattern has been completely shot to hell and now during the night I spend my time laying in bed flopping around like a fish out of water.

Flip. Flop. Flip. Flop.

My toes scrunch up just so that they can have something to do and as the time ticks forward I become increasingly frustrated that I won't just fall asleep.

It starts out with me talking calmly to myself so I can try and relax.

"Fall asleep. Just fall asleep. Close your eyes, let the thoughts clear out of your head, take a deep breath and slowly start drifting to sleep."

After an hour of that, it then turns into verbal self abuse.

"Goddammit, how fucking hard is it to just shut your fucking mind off and catch some damn z's?! Jesus, I want to at least get three hours of sleep before the fucking alarm goes off!"

What I can't seem to firmly get a hold of is my own brain. It's always turned on and running around in so many circles that my head feels swollen from not properly stretching beforehand. I go over the same lists thousands of times only to end up in the exact same place where I started.

I've just chalked it all up to nerves and being impatient. One of the many topics that crosses my mind during this routine dance with myself is I'm waiting for That Moment. You know, the moment when I'll have one of those big meltdowns with lots of tears and screaming to anyone who will listen that I really don't want to leave. I was just kidding. Can we go out for ice-cream now? I already did what I wanted to do. I was accepted into college, I got the money, I have all of the legal papers. I didn't think that it'd all actually work out and that I'd really be going through all of this.

But it did. And I am.

I'm so used to having a big dramatic meltdown when Major Life Changes occur so the fact that I haven't had one yet is really freaking me out. It probably hasn't happened because I'm seeking it out, but I don't want to be caught off guard and then be escorted out of the airport because I can't control myself. That would be embarrassing.

Instead of a big, dramatic scene, I get these little pangs every so often that make my chest tighten and I have to catch my breath in order to not fall over. It used to be whenever I'd see an airplane in the sky I'd feel sad because oh how I wished to be with the other passengers going wherever they were going. I just wanted to leave. Now whenever I see a plane I become full of anxiety and have to find something, anything to lean on. I know what's headed in my direction and now it's no longer wishful thinking. It's a reality. I will be getting on one. I will be with other passengers. I will be going alone.

Which is another thing that I've been trying to get used to. I'm going to be leaving all by myself. Alone. No one else. Before I went with Mendy and she was my support when I began to lose it when we were being driven to the other side of the airport where our gate was. My eyes started to fill up with tears and I was going crazy.

Me: "I change my mind, Mendy. Let's not go. I don't want to. Can we turn around? How the fuck do I get off this thing?"

I remembered she grabbed my collar, made me look her in the eyes and shook some damn sense into me.

Mendy: "Sam. We can't go back. We've already paid for everything. Pull yourself together."

And when we were finally sitting side-by-side in our seats, as the plane took off we squeezed each other's hands so tight, leaned as far back as we could in our chairs and braced ourselves for the adventure.

This time around I'll be flying solo.

Can't I go with someone? Can't someone be there with me? Doesn't anyone want to come with me? I hear that airplanes have a lot of space these days and it won't be so cramped. We can play those travel games where the pieces are magnetic and stick to the board so they won't roll off anywhere. And when we finally make it over to London we can hang out like bosom buddies and come up with a schedule for when we each get to use the shower in the mornings. It'll be fun!

So there are a lot of worries, a lot of thoughts and not enough sleep. After I give up getting any sleep for that one night, I mark another day off the calendar and watch as the lightning flashes in the summer sky. I'm reminded of being on a rollercoaster when it's slowly climbing up higher and higher. I can hear the chains under me. They sound rusty and like they're struggling with all of the weight that its being forced to carry to the top. I keep on taking deep breaths, knowing what's about to happen, knowing that I willingly got on this ride, knowing that I'll soon be speeding towards the ground and knowing that every ride is the same. It always starts off slow in the beginning, but once you finally get going it's fun as hell and you end up waiting in line to ride all over again.