My Mumbling Thoughts

I never thought I'd be living in such a small space to where I'd have to actually prop my leg upon the sink in order to shave. Life does hand you new challenges every day and I suppose that was one of mine.

It has almost been a full week now that I've been here, and I have to say that I'm getting on a little better than the first few days. Man, the first two nights were hell and there was a moment when I wished that I wasn't even here. I cried. Twice. And then I got my first email from Momma and I cried again, really hard. I knew that being away from home was going to be hard, but I never really did realize that it was going to be so hard. I was completely out of my element and completely unknown, but it was a brand new start, and a new clean slate for me to start again.

Of course when you're crying in your room wishing that you never left just so you could watch the third season of Grey's Anatomy, you don't really see it that way. All you want is a hamburger from Five Guys, a milkshake and all of the familiar things surrounding you again.

I needed to get out.

When I think of London, the London that I know, the first thing I see is Earl's Court tube station, Nando's, Hyde Park, the London Eye and the Blackbird. I think of standing outside on Ash's balcony looking out over all of the houses, walking the streets leading up to his flat, and everything inside his flat. That's what I know and understand. That's what is familiar to me, it's what I recognize and associate London with. It's where I thought I was going to be.

It wasn't until I actually got here, though, I learned that London is massively huge and is broken down into six different zones. Central London, the one I fell in love with in the very beginning, is Zone 1, naturally. My university is in Zone 3, which is approximately a forty minute trip by bus and the tube. Really, it's not so bad, but I was still a little sad that I wasn't going to be in the very center near everything that I already know.

So since I was stressing out, feeling lost and confused, I emailed Ash and asked if he wanted to meet up sometime to get a drink and hang out. Afterall, he had sent me an email before I left Virginia letting me know that I could give him a shout after I made it in, if I ever needed anything or just wanted to see a familiar face.

I needed a familiar face. I needed to see somebody that I knew, who knew me and who I could just hang out with for a while. Everybody around me had a British accent and they kept on talking about London, but I didn't feel like I was in London and I didn't think I would until I went back. Until then, I just felt like I was in some kind of Pretend London and everything around me was fake.

Sunday afternoon, just as the rest of the British students were moving into halls, I gathered my things and weaved my through the traffic lights, train station, more traffic lights and tube station until I finally made it to Earl's Court, which is where we decided to meet. I paused when I stepped out onto the platform and looked around.

Ah, yes. It felt like coming back home.

You would think I would be a little more nervous about seeing him again. I mean, it has been a while and during all of those months a lot shit has happened. But I wasn't nervous. I wasn't scared or anxious or worried or anything. It may sound lame, but I was really happy, for lack of a better word. I was so, so happy.

We hugged, I talked about how relieved I was that I actually found my way and the first place we had to stop at was Nando's, because I was starving and hadn't eaten a proper meal since the International Dinner on Friday.

It was a strange feeling, because as we were walking down the streets that I have been thinking about ever since that day we left, I felt a part of myself being reunited with the other half that I had left behind almost two years ago. It was as if I had never left and that this is how it should have always been. I should have never left. I should have stayed here, with him, walking these streets, hearing these sounds, smelling these smells and doing all of these things together.

But I didn't and now things had changed. We had changed. The city, however, had remained the same, despite the bit of construction that they were doing.

We had one of the best afternoons. It was one of those times when you roam around and talk for centuries, catching up on things and talking about new things. I rambled a lot about university and how it already sucked and he reminded me that that's how I always start off, just like whenever I would start a new job back home. We stopped by Paul, walked for ages in Hyde Park, and eventually day turned into night when we found ourselves sitting on this very uncomfortable step until an old lady basically told us to piss off.

I didn't want to leave. Sure I was exhausted, my feet hurt and the jet lag was still taking it's toll on me, but mostly I didn't want to leave central London again. I couldn't go back to Zone 3. I didn't want to. They didn't know me at the university. My room might have been holding my things, but it wasn't home. It was just a temporary living facility. So I whined and complained until Ash offered for me to stay at his place for the night. I'm sure he knew exactly what I was doing, but I didn't want to be outright and crash without being invited first.

As we started walking towards his flat, it was the first time I had to catch my breath and take a minute to let my brain catch up with the rest of my body. I had to literally pause and stop walking for a moment because, Oh My God, I am in London.

It was the only time during the whole afternoon I almost started crying, which would have been a little embarrassing and a tad over dramatic, but still...I needed a moment to take it all in.

When I went inside I kind of spun around taking everything in and thinking, "yep, that's the same. Nope, that's changed. Was that there last time? I don't remember that." I met his flatmate, Mario, and saw Chris again which was a pleasant meeting. It was quite possibly one of the best surprise faces I've ever seen, and after a while I met his brother as well.

It was all very chill and relaxed. We watched TV and as the evening went on, I kept on getting lower and lower on the couch until finally my eyes closed and it was the next morning when I awoke.

I did come back to university, despite not wanting to ever leave until I died. I met the rest of my flatmates, went out to one of the fresher social events and have been spending most of my time running all over the campus trying to wrap up some last minute registering things. I hate all of this boring, required bullshit before you can actually begin your classes, but it still needs to be finished. I'm still meeting people but haven't made any really good friends. I'm not worried about it either. There's no need to force friendships. I feel like the old American as well, seeing as everybody I've met has either been eighteen or nineteen. I've been fighting with FedEx so that they can finally get my boxes through customs and I can finish setting up my room and start eating out of real bowls and using proper spoons instead of trying to figure out where I want to eat out next. I've braved the buses and for the most part am learning which is the right direction I should be headed in. I've done a load of laundry, ironed and have turned into one of those tea drinkers who has a cup with them at all times.

It's taking some time, but I'm getting used to it. At least now I believe that I'm actually in London and know that if I ever want to, I can always go back home. And now it's only a forty minute journey instead of an entire plane ride.