My Mumbling Thoughts

I've got it all. I have my dictionary, my pens and paper, my water bottles and laptop. I'm ready. I'm prepared. It's all good to go.

And now, how fucking ironic is it that the moment I finally get a chance to write, the doors and windows are flung open for me, people are begging me to write, write, write, they want me to, they expect me to and yet...I'm stuck.

I knew something like this would happen.

Sometimes, when I really sit down and think about it (which is quite often, actually), I do seriously believe that I was created backwards. Everything I do, everything I say and think is usually the exact opposite of how the majority of other people would do things.

Take for instance this entire journey I've been on to try and get to where I am now. In the beginning, a lot of people didn't think I would do it, that I could do it. I suppose for some that would have been the end for them.

"Oh, so-and-so says I can't do it and they're probably right. It's a crazy idea to try and go all the way over to London to live and get an education. Stupid idea."

Whereas for me, I took it as a challenge.

"Huh, you don't think I can do it? Watch me prove you wrong!"

The strange part is that towards the end once things really started happening and people were supporting me and cheering me on, I kind of lost motivation in myself. I became extremely self-conscious about it all now with everyone backing me and the pressure was so overwhelming I couldn't stand it. When I was fighting to prove people wrong though, it was a great power that I felt showing everybody how I could do it.

Now I'm here and the majority of the hard stuff is over and done with. I've proven my point, I made it and now I'm doing everything that I've been talking about for the past however long.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. Well, go to my classes obviously, but then what? Write? I'm supposed to be writing. And I'm happy to do it, really, I am. I'm just a lot more aware of the fact that I'm not just writing for myself anymore. I'm not sitting in my cube, wasting time at work while being distracted by random jobs that are handed to me throughout the day. I'm writing for a grade, for a diploma, for my life.

For the first two weeks, I stayed busy trying to get the necessary mundane chores out of the way; I was fighting with FedEx for my boxes, registering all of my classes and learning my way around. It kept my head up in the clouds and there wasn't much thinking. All I really cared about was making sure that I got it finished and checked it off my list otherwise my boxes would have been sent back home or I would forever have to use the annoying payphone on our campus that steals my coins. Once I ticked it off my list, then I could rest a little easier at night knowing that that was one last thing for me to worry about.

However, my To Do List is still very much with me, but it has shrank in size, which frees up a lot more time for me. My classes have started and it's time for me to really buckle down and get to business. It's time for me to write.

I just haven't got the slightest clue how to structure it all, or more importantly, what to write about? Can't somebody just tell me what to write about? Give me something. Anything. I've had some ideas, but after a couple of hours I think that they're complete shit and chuck them into the trashcan.

I know I'm probably just over thinking things and I should just let it all come to me naturally like I did before, but the truth is I'm really worried that I'm doing something wrong. Something must be wrong or will go wrong because it has all been too perfect ever since I arrived. Things are starting to feel normal, I feel comfortable, I feel natural like I've been doing this all my life. And yet, the tiny uneasy feeling that is deep inside way down in my toes, is slowly gaining momentum and is paralyzing me from the feet upwards.

Hello, my name is Sam, and I cry, whine and complain whenever things go my way. It's lovely to meet you.