My Mumbling Thoughts

You see it all the time when you're watching a movie. Whether it's a good movie or not is beside the point, but you're watching anyway and the main character just pisses you off. Everything they do is the complete opposite of what they should be doing. Or what they should be doing according to you and probably the majority of society. And you're screaming at the television screen, pulling at your hair and shouting, "why? What the fuck are you doing? Are you out of your goddamned mind!?" Sure, the main character can't hear you through the screen, but you feel loads better now that you've gotten the screaming out of your system.

I would be the main character that you'd be screaming at. I would be the one that you're frustrated with and want to have a good talking to because, dammit, can't I see how everything is so simple and all of these small worries that I have rushing through my mind at impressive speed is nothing but common sense? Life is only complicated if you make it that way.

And I suppose I have, in a way.

The money problems aren't one of my biggest worries, but it's steadily climbing its way up my list. Before I left home, the plan was that I would already have a part time job by now. I'd have a bank account and be working on the UK economy. I would not be using my savings back in America, which is what I've been doing ever since I landed because, well, sometimes shit happens and life doesn't go according to plan.

Family life isn't too pleasant these days either. Mel and I get along just like usual, but Momma has decided to fall off the deep end and disown me for some of the dumbest reasons I've ever heard of. She wasn't too pleased that I started talking to Ash again, nor was she happy about me not having a job and spending my US savings, but aside from those two things it seems like all she has been doing is making up stupid things to be pissed off at me and at the moment I really could care less to be dealing with all of her drama. I'm an ocean away now. I can't just be sent to my room without dinner or dessert and then be punished for a week. Things don't work like that anymore and I think she's having a lot more problems with losing control over me than she's willing to admit.

I've been ill for the past week or so, beating off the flu and trying to get healthy. It doesn't help that I've also been going out drinking for the past week or so because I've been trying to distract myself from all of the family problems that I don't feel like dealing with at the moment. I told myself that the alcohol would kill off all of the germs and bacteria that's crawling inside of me, but that doesn't appear to be working. Instead I've just gotten worse and now I've almost lost my voice. Tonight I'm staying in while the girls go to the bar for a talent show that's being put on and I'm drinking hot tea and catching up on homework that I've been neglecting. After I catch up on emails and blogs though because, fucking hell it's been forever since I've had some proper quiet, alone time.

There has been quite a lot of drama spreading all over campus as well. Oh, you know all of the stories. One girl hooked up with this one guy, blah, blah, blah...then there are the "more serious" ones where people were actually interested in each other, words were said, feelings got hurt and now each persons are stood at opposite ends of a room surrounded by friends who are constantly jabbering in their ears filling their heads up with even more bullshit.

I don't know why I'm so interested in it all, but I am. Perhaps it's because I've been around nothing but adults who live in upper-middle class neighborhoods for the past two and half years. I've forgotten how young people act these days, young English people as well. It's all so fascinating and every night there's a new story that needs to be told in the morning.

But now, right now, I'm taking a time out, I'm letting the world slow down, I'm giving myself a break. I've been on constant go for the past two weeks without a rest that my body is physically shutting down on me and sending a very clear message that I need to go easy on myself for a while if only so I can gain some more energy to head back out there and gather more information. That's what I feel like, the little American spy who stores all of the top secret information up in my brain and jots all of the notes down so that I can report back all of the dirty little secrets later on my blog. And there are quite a bit. Deciding what's actually interesting and what only interests me is the hard part.

I need for things to slow down somewhat though, if only for my own mental and physical health. I haven't got any time to write anything, to think about anything or try and keep my small room tidy. It's hard to find time to do my laundry and whenever I think that I have a second somebody is knocking on my door asking if I want to go to Such-And-Such place in Putney or Hammersmith, and I'm going to always say yes because I don't want to miss out on the social life in college and because it's fucking London. I want to see everything. I want to experience everything. I want to know everything. I want to live it all.

And so if it seems like I've fallen off the Internet Earth, disappeared from the Blogosphere, have no fear. I'm still out there, sorting it out, working through it and keeping a very good mini journal to refresh my memory when I'm ready to post it all on My Mumbling Thoughts.