My Mumbling Thoughts

Ten days since my last blog post? It has been FAR TOO LONG.

Honestly, I have no sense of time here. Days come, they go, they come again...I never know if it's a Thursday or a Monday. Who cares? Is it really that important to know what day it is? And then I realize that it has been ten days since I've posted on my blog and I realize that, yes, it is THAT IMPORTANT.

The good news is that I got a job. Hip, hip, HORRAY! Hip, hip, HORRAY!

(Yes, I have also noticed that there are a lot of capital words in this post and I'm not even halfway through. Please bear with me.)

I'm working at this old man's pub called Wetherspoons. That's right, ladies and gentleman, I'm a barmaid. How cool is that? I haven't started work yet, since I was just hired this Friday, but my first shift is on Thursday and I'm really excited. Before you know it I'll be able to pour a pint with one hand tied behind my back. The cool thing is that I won't be working alone. Three of my flatmates will be working there as well; Santos, Carlene and Zoe. We'll all get sick and tired of seeing each other or it'll be tons of fun. I'm betting my money on tons of fun.

Unfortunately my reading week was a waste of time to do any decent writing. I don't know why I'm raging against the machine and finding it so difficult to write one decent thing on a piece of paper, but it's taking a lot of effort to sit me down and do some proper work. I feel like a three-year-old sometimes who refuses to eat their vegetables.

"No! I don't want to write! I want candy!!!"

Honestly, you would think that I'd be so excited about having all of this time to write beautiful words that move people to their inner core, but I'm finding it more fun to actually experience life at the moment instead of writing it all down. There are just so many things to see and do, that when I finally do find the time to write, I'm so exhausted and just want to sleep. Today I did do a little bit of writing and managed to squeeze out three teeny tiny paragraphs from my fingers. I prefer to let the words come naturally and found that forcing myself to try and be creative wasn't the way to go about things.

I'm going to take a break from London for a little bit though. At least for a couple of days. I can't go out drinking anymore. I can't be bothered to muster up the energy to come up with one more outfit, to paste my make-up on for one more night, to spend one more pound. I just can't. Everybody thinks that I've become depressed but that's not the case. I just need some alone time. Some sober, alone time that doesn't require me to be sprawled out on the floor reaching for my door handle, but can't because I'm too intoxicated. Sure, it was a good night, but I woke up the next day wishing that I could push all of my insides back inside of my body.

I need to step away from everybody's drama. There is so much drama floating around here that it's like the flu. You can't help but catch it. I've been caught up in everybody else's drama that I've lost track of my own. Not that I have that much drama going on at the moment. I think that it's just time I take care of myself for a bit and worry more about me instead of all of my flatmates. Every now and then it's good to say, "fuck it, you figure it out." I have to remember why I came here in the first place, re-examine my situation and not forget that I did have a reason to be here, and it's not to analyze why so-and-so doesn't want to talk to so-and-so.

The time has come for me to grow up a little and remember the old Sam who lived back in Virginia, who was chained behind her desk and who wanted so badly to live in London. Not stumble around in London and shout incoherent phrases to random strangers. I need to take time to write to my mother, tell her how much I love and miss her, and how badly I wished she was coming over with Mel in December. I need to send off the millions of postcards that I've written for people back home, just haven't sent off yet. I need to read all of the blogs that I haven't visited for the past couple of weeks. I need to get a haircut. I need to think about my finances. I need to be the writer I was back home.

And I need to not neglect my blog anymore.