My Mumbling Thoughts

"Dude, men are total shit." I'm sitting at the bar talking to my best mate, Lauren. It's a regular discussion between us. Actually, it's our main discussion that we always talk about.

"They are indeed. You do realize that we only say that when they've treated us like shit, don't you? When they're good to us then men are gods." She lights a fag, passes it over to me and then lights one for herself.

"Fuck that. Men are shit today, yesterday and I'm sure will be tomorrow. Nothing ever changes. They're all the goddamned same as well. Talk, talk, talk their bullshit and no fucking action. I never get any goddamned action. I want action. I need action. I'm craving some motherfucking action!" I take a long drag off my cigarette and drink from my bitch drink.

"Easy there, just calm down. We get action sometimes."

"Correction. You get action. I get lead on and then dropped the moment all of the interesting shit begins."

"Ha! Me get any action? Sure, I'll pull a guy here or there, but I haven't got any action."

"Well you could if you wanted."

"Cheer up, Sammi Jo. You can get action as well."

"Fuck off. You're just patronizing me now."

"Okay, so you're not getting any action from the guy that you want to be getting the action from. We all know that you're obsessed with Sam."

"I'm not obsessed with him. Occasionally I'll black out and have a psycho bitch moment, but I'm not obsessed. Partially interested in, sure. Maybe slightly intrigued by him. But not obsessed. Not in the slightest. And don't say his name all normal like that, like he's a good person. Say what he is, which is Satan's apprentice. God, I can't even believe that I share the same fucking name as him. It sounds all wrong."

"You're overreacting. Do I need to say it? Do you need to hear the words to bring you back down to earth?"

"Go on then. I'm sure I sound like it."

"Bunny boiler."

"Thank you."

"Feel better now?"

I take a deep breath.

"A little bit, yeah."

"Good. Now finish your drink so we can go back up to the bar and get a shot. It sounds like you need an apple sour."

"More like five."

**

I have turned into That Girl. The one that I hate and makes me feel disgusting. The one that wants to tear her flesh from her skin until she has reached her internal organs and yank them out with her bare hands. The one who would give anything to have a partial lobotomy if only she could forget all about the boy that turns her into That Girl. The worrying one. The one who actually cares about what he thinks and what he says to all of his closest mates when she's not around. The one that misses him. The one that over thinks everything he says and everything he does. The one who she wishes was around. The one who she wishes would disappear. The one that makes her stomach flip if she randomly runs into him outside. The one that she daydreams about and replays all of those nights back when things weren't complicated and confusing. The one she hates with every fiber of her being.

Yeah, that girl.

**

"You know that one old school episode of Friends when Rachel goes out with that dude on a blind date? And it's back when Ross is dating that Julie chick? Well, I think he was dating with her. Anyway, Rachel gets pissed and is talking only about Ross, Julie and their cat and how she wishes she doesn't care anymore. Then her date, that bald dude who is totally not in Rachel's league, says that when he divorced from his wife he needed to get closure, and Rachel thinks that that's a brilliant idea. 'Closure! That's what I need. I need closure.' Then she goes on to leave that dreadful message on Ross' machine and he's just like, 'you're over me? When were you ever under me?' That's me and Sam. That's what we are. Dysfunctional Ross and Rachel. Only we're not Ross and Rachel at all. We're more like Issy and Karev on Grey's Anatomy. That's who we're like."

"Baby, seriously, you need to get a grip. And perhaps another drink. You have to stop torturing yourself over him."

"I don't torture myself. I just have questions. Questions that he won't answer. That I've asked and he won't give an answer to. Why can't he just give me one goddamned straight answer?! That's all I need and I'll be fine. And closure of course."

"Well I guess you can try asking him again. Don't look now but he just walked in the bar."

I turn around anyway. I swivel myself halfway in my chair and see him. Again. The bastard.

I turn back around to face Lauren.

"I don't see how he can just walk in here like everything's okay. Like I'm fine. Like everything is just perfectly normal." I light another fag just as I put my last one out.

"Maybe you don't need another drink. Just chill out, baby, you'll be fine. Besides, you have to remember that he's a man and they don't know when anything's wrong. Honestly, have you even told him that you're upset?"

"Well...no. But I don't want him to know that I'm upset. Like I care. Because I don't. I just wish that he wouldn't treat me like a fucking potted plant all the time. I don't get how we can be so good and then two seconds later be so shit."

"That's blokes for you."

"I hate blokes. Especially cocky cokneys from the east. Twats."

**

Despite all my better judgement, I end up back at Bede house, laying in his bed while he walks around his room to do some tidying up. I find it strange how he likes things to be in their proper place. Most guys aren't like that. Why does he even care? Maybe he's OCD like me. That'd be cool.

The thoughts never stop. They continue right on and sometimes I wonder if all of my thoughts are being played across my face for everyone to read or if I'm just so blatanly obvious about what I'm thinking.

We kiss for a moment and he pulls back.

"I bet my breath smells don't it? I just had some crisps."

"I know. I shared them with you. So my breath must smell as well."

"Nah, I can't really tell. I'm going to brush my teeth anyway."

"Really? You're going to smell all minty fresh and I'm still going to smell like grotty crisps?"

"You can brush your teeth as well if you want. I've got a spare toothbrush."

He pulls a brand new toothbrush out from under his cupboard and hands it to me.

In my head the words are going into overdrive.

Normally when a guy gives you a toothbrush, one to keep at his place, he likes you. Really likes you. I find it cute and sweet and...cute again. And he just handed it to me like it was nothing, no big deal at all. Does he have more in his cupboard? How many other girls has he given a toothbrush to? Did they share chips as well? Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I'm laying back on his bed after I've brushed my teeth and notice the glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling. I can't believe I had never noticed them before. I was probably too pissed to notice them.

"Did you put those glow-in-the-dark stars up on your ceiling?"

"Nah, they were up there when I got here. But I've got some back in my room in East London. I've got the planets as well."

"Aw, how precious."

"Do you want to see them?"

"Well, duh."

I smile as he turns the lights off. The plastic little stars begin to glow and I scoot over so he can get in the bed and under the covers.

"Aw, I love these glow-in-the-dark stars. They're the best. I'll have to get some for my room."

"You really should."

And underneath the stars, we have a cheesy moment that I'll cling onto until I get my motherfucking closure.

Posted by Sam at 11:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

She's fine so long as he's not there. When he's in the same room as she is, she changes. Something about her body changes, she moves differently, she thinks differently. Everything changes. When he's in the room she can feel his eyes on her, watching her every move and it takes all of her will power not to look back over at him in his direction. Looking at him would only mean that he won, and she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that she even cared about his presence.

It's a game that they both play, and they know that they're playing even though neither one of them will admit to that fact.

He walks in late. He always arrives late and that's something that really annoys her. She's usually tipsy by this point and has gathered some liquid courage. He walks straight up to the bar without acknowledging her existence and buys his first snakebite of the evening. He turns around, finds his group of friends and then goes to stand with them to watch the girls dance.

For half of the evening, the two of them pretend that they don't even notice each other. They continue to talk to their friends, laughing a little too hard at jokes that aren't even really funny and stealing quick glances whenever they don't think that they'll be caught. Maybe she'll saunter up to the bar and walk right past him without saying hello, or he'll pass by her on the way to the toilets and keep his eyes directly in front of him. No words are exchanged. They're never exchanged. It's all a part of the game that they play.

Eventually, through the curtains of smoke from her cigarette, she'll lift her eyelashes up to look in his direction and finally, for the first time the entire night they'll make eye contact. He winks at her from across the room and gives a little nod. She smiles slightly, takes another long drag from her cigarette and exhales slowly. Sitting alone on the couches, she bobs her head to the music and waits for him to come sit next to her. How long will he take?

Not long. He makes his way through the dancing groups and sits down next to her.

"Hey, you alright?" he'll ask as he takes another sip from his drink and sits it down on the table in front of them.

"Yeah, I'm good. You?" she says not giving him any kind of eye contact, at least not just yet.

"I'm alright. How come you didn't come say hi to me tonight?" He knows it winds her up. He knows that that one little comment will send her over the edge.

"Me not say hi to you? What about you saying hi to me? How come I always have to be the one who comes up to you to say hi? Are you so good that you can't come up to me?" Maybe it's the four drinks that are kicking in her blood stream, but it all comes flooding out of her mouth and there's no way to stop it. It's all just random, rambling, gibberish that doesn't mean a thing.

He just sits back and smiles as she goes on her mini tirade. He likes it when she's annoyed with him. He likes seeing her passion over the most insignificant things. He likes knowing which buttons to press. And he definitely loves the chase.

Eventually she stops ranting, takes a long drag from her cigarette and then tosses it on the ground. They are two high school kids with the only difference being that they’re allowed to drink and smoke legally. She wonders why things have to stay be so complicated. How come they allow things to get so complicated?

Things become quiet again. Each of them wonders whether they should give up already and find their group of friends so they aren’t left sitting on a couch alone, feeling like the entire room is watching both of them even though that’s clearly not the case. They’re both thinking the same thing. They’re having mini flashbacks of just the other week when they didn’t need words, when actions told the story. There wasn’t any awkwardness and there certainly weren’t any complications. It all felt completely natural and everything fit. The chemistry, as they say, was hot.

However, in this moment, sitting on the couch, both of them sat scared and unsure. People go through these emotions all the time. Their thoughts are clouded by stupid words and secondhand information. Too many nights have been spent over analyzing apparitions that they have swarming in their heads. It’s self-torture at it’s absolute best.

They both look at each other again and hold the stare for a little too long. Again, there aren’t any words. He stands up, takes his drink in his hand and walks off leaving her alone on the couch, making her feel alone in her emotions. She sits to smoke another cigarette. She throws her shoulders back a little bit more, holds her head up a little bit higher, straightens her back and crosses her legs. It’s no use trying to get inside his brain and decipher his thoughts. But as she sits there with her last fag out of her brand new pack that she only bought two hours earlier, she can’t help herself but to try again and signs her name for another round for the next night.

Posted by Sam at 09:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Everybody has left to go home and the only two people left in the flat are Mel and myself. Mel's an early bird so she goes to bed before the sun sets and since my body clock is still set on "party mode" I normally don't fall asleep until half three in the morning. It's a strange schedule to be on.

Mel stays in Helen's room because Helen was kind enough to loan us her card key whilst Mel is staying here in London. She didn't like the idea of sleeping on the floor for three and a half weeks, nor did she want to share a tiny twin sized bed with me either, so this was the only thing I could think of short of her bringing an air mattress over with her.

Things are quiet at the moment. I just got finished folding three loads of laundry. There were six loads in total and I haven't done any laundry for about a month. That just goes to show how many clothes I own and how lazy I've become. I had to get down to my really skanky pairs of underwear before I even started to question where all of my favorite shirts were, or how come I was running low on socks. In celebration of this big laundry day, I've decided to let my Ben & Jerry's ice cream thaw out a little and eat it before I go to sleep. Happy Christmas Eve to me.

**

It was the second day that Mel was here when we had our first argument. I knew it wouldn't take long before we got irritated with each other and decided to have a massive row.

Mel: "It's not right, Sammi! We shouldn't be here by ourselves for Christmas. We should be back home. I don't like it here."

Me: "Oh really? You don't like it here? You haven't even given it a proper chance! All you've been doing is sitting in the corner with your arms crossed and a judgemental puss on your face. Why don't you try and make a little effort, huh? Why do we have to do the same shit every single goddamned year? And for fuck's sake if you don't want to be here, then fucking pack your shit now and go back home. I don't need this shit!"

Mel: "How come you didn't want to come home? Why can't we be at home?"

I didn't know why I didn't want to go home. Part of me always wants to be back home. I miss the familiarity of everything and feeling stable and secure. But the truth was, I didn't want to leave London even more. As much as I miss my family, the roads I used to drive, and lord, all of the food, I would have missed London way too much. I'm not ready to leave it just yet, even if it would be for a month and a half and I'd know that I was coming back, I didn't want to leave. I was even a little scared that Momma wouldn't let me come back. She was always saying how she didn't like me being over here and how she thinks that I'm screwing it all up. Being in the flat alone and spending Christmas with the city was a lot more appealing than going back home where I knew everything would quickly go back to how they were before I left and I'd feel stranded all over again.

After we had our fall out, we quickly patched things up and moved on like normal. That's just how our relationship is and it was kind of nice to have an argument with Mel face to face. We hadn't had one in ages so it really was like I was back home anyway. She made a little more effort to get to know everyone and include herself, and I scaled back on my drinking so I wasn't an absolute pisshead every single night. It was a nice compromise.

Its been about a week and a half since shes been here and I must say that it has been really nice. I was so excited to take her everywhere I go and everywhere I've been. I've introduced her to practically everyone I've ever come in contact with here and now it seems like she's just one of the girls who has been living in our flat all the time. We've been to loads of different shops, poked around in Central for a bit and basically just living the uni life that I've been living since I arrived.

It was sad once everyone started leaving for back home though. Trish was first to go back to the states. Helen was the first to leave out of our flat, then Lauren, Cat, Alex and Fiona. Santos followed close behind with Zoe and Carlene being the last of the lot. I never like it when people leave. It's really sad to think of everybody separated and not under the same roof. It's also really strange to think about the fact that we've only been living together for about four months now and how quickly all of these people have turned into family. The holidays seem like a preview for when our first year ends and everyone breaks up for the summer months. We'll all be moving out of halls to go back home and then what? What happens after that? I can't even begin to think about not seeing everyone for more than a couple of weeks. I can't stand being away from them so much that Mel and I are visiting some of my flatmates after Christmas and hanging out with them at their houses for no other reason than just to see them and not be apart anymore.

In some ways though, I'm glad to be getting a break from everyone as well. We've all been joined at the hips for so long that it was becoming too exhausting for me to keep up. It's good to have some space, clear the mind and let the body properly recover from all of the abuse I've been putting it through. It's really nice to chill out with Mel in front of the television, watching a dvd just like we would back at home. It's also really nice to do some chores for a change and get all of my washing done.

We don't have any plans for New Years, but I'm sure we'll go out and do something. I talk to Momma these days as if we had never had our fall out and I'm glad that I'm able to talk to her again. Life simply isn't the same without her advice and pep talks. She keeps me updated with all of the drama at work and it's funny to hear about people back home that I used to work with, still up to their same games. Things will never change it seems, yet every day something new happens.

2006 is quickly coming to an end, and can I just say, thank you lord. It has been a whirlwind for sure and I can't wait to kick off 2007. I have my new year's resolutions (which I'm keeping to myself, thank you very much), I've got a plan in the works to pull my shit together and I feel confident enough that I'll actually do something positive for a change instead of fucking things up to the nth degree. This break is just what I need to get ready to tackle a brand new year.

Posted by Sam at 04:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

It's quarter past twelve in the morning and I'm awake. Wide awake. No pro plus is in my system, but my brain won't shut off. It just continues to tick, tick, tick and go round, round, round.

There are so many things going on.

The end of the year is always a busy time for me with the holidays demanding my attention, decorating the house and trying to fit in time when I can sit in front of the TV with a big bowl of cookie dough ice-cream watching my favorite Christmas programs.

This year, however, is slightly different since I'm celebrating in a different country, with different people and no television anywhere in sight. The good news is that Mel is arriving on Tuesday and we'll be able to do all of our regular American family traditions that we do every year.

I didn't realize that so much time had passed by. I knew she was coming but when it finally clicked that it was just next week I began to freak out when it hit me that she was really coming here. She was going to be in my room, hanging out with my friends, seeing the same things that I see all the time, going to the same places that I go to all the time. How strange is that?

So I stood in my tiny room and completely rearranged it and went OCD on it's ass. I now have loads more space and feel a lot better about having company in my room.

These days I'm doing pretty good. I still live one day to the next and try not to go completely mental about not having a plan carved out in cement, but I laugh and I smile and I don't sit around feeling absolutely shit about everything all the time. I stay sober for the most part and have learned that while it does suck not always having cocaine or weed on me at all times, life will continue if I don't have it attached to my hip. Alcohol on the other hand is still necessary for me when I go out and if I don't have my fags...well, lord help us all.

I've been keeping up with my coursework for the most part and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This semester is almost finished and it all flew by me so quickly in a blur. I had my high points and my low points, but for the most part I think I can honestly say that I smiled throughout the entire thing. When things were bad, they were certainly bad, but I'm doing better and I feel like things should start getting better here soon.

The transition and shock of leaving my very organized life was a definite hard blow to my system. I was tossed into this new life where I didn't understand anything and found myself face down on the ground with dirt in my mouth and blood on my knees. There wasn't a way for me to cope, and to deal with all of the pain I was feeling in one big gulp might have killed me. I left Coporate America to be a London student and the two roles are complete opposites. I had to adjust to a completely new system and I was trying to be both people at the same time. The thing is though, that I knew all along but just couldn't figure out how to do it, was I needed to mesh both people into one. I can go out and have my fun, but I still need to keep my shit together. Otherwise, you'll end up in the position I'm in right now; no money and occasionally will have a flashback to my crazy party nights that I want to relive.

The university bubble is so small and it's so easy to get caught up in everything, but eventually over time, you start to see that there is a lot more out there that lies beyond the walls of the university. As hard as it is for me, I'm starting to slow down and catch my breath. I remember that things weren't so bad when I lead my so called "boring life" and was able to sit around with no plans other than watching shit TV and watching the rain outside. I miss those days when I could lounge around in my jammies with no make-up and not a soul around in the house. If I wanted to eat Doritos for breakfast, I could and if I felt like running down to Burger King in my slippers, that wasn't a problem. I'd appreciate some time alone for a change without everyone in the kitchen, playing their music loud and running up and down in the corridor. I just can't be pleased either way it seems.

And so the days continue and I make it through yet again.

Posted by Sam at 01:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)