My Mumbling Thoughts

It's quarter past twelve in the morning and I'm awake. Wide awake. No pro plus is in my system, but my brain won't shut off. It just continues to tick, tick, tick and go round, round, round.

There are so many things going on.

The end of the year is always a busy time for me with the holidays demanding my attention, decorating the house and trying to fit in time when I can sit in front of the TV with a big bowl of cookie dough ice-cream watching my favorite Christmas programs.

This year, however, is slightly different since I'm celebrating in a different country, with different people and no television anywhere in sight. The good news is that Mel is arriving on Tuesday and we'll be able to do all of our regular American family traditions that we do every year.

I didn't realize that so much time had passed by. I knew she was coming but when it finally clicked that it was just next week I began to freak out when it hit me that she was really coming here. She was going to be in my room, hanging out with my friends, seeing the same things that I see all the time, going to the same places that I go to all the time. How strange is that?

So I stood in my tiny room and completely rearranged it and went OCD on it's ass. I now have loads more space and feel a lot better about having company in my room.

These days I'm doing pretty good. I still live one day to the next and try not to go completely mental about not having a plan carved out in cement, but I laugh and I smile and I don't sit around feeling absolutely shit about everything all the time. I stay sober for the most part and have learned that while it does suck not always having cocaine or weed on me at all times, life will continue if I don't have it attached to my hip. Alcohol on the other hand is still necessary for me when I go out and if I don't have my fags...well, lord help us all.

I've been keeping up with my coursework for the most part and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This semester is almost finished and it all flew by me so quickly in a blur. I had my high points and my low points, but for the most part I think I can honestly say that I smiled throughout the entire thing. When things were bad, they were certainly bad, but I'm doing better and I feel like things should start getting better here soon.

The transition and shock of leaving my very organized life was a definite hard blow to my system. I was tossed into this new life where I didn't understand anything and found myself face down on the ground with dirt in my mouth and blood on my knees. There wasn't a way for me to cope, and to deal with all of the pain I was feeling in one big gulp might have killed me. I left Coporate America to be a London student and the two roles are complete opposites. I had to adjust to a completely new system and I was trying to be both people at the same time. The thing is though, that I knew all along but just couldn't figure out how to do it, was I needed to mesh both people into one. I can go out and have my fun, but I still need to keep my shit together. Otherwise, you'll end up in the position I'm in right now; no money and occasionally will have a flashback to my crazy party nights that I want to relive.

The university bubble is so small and it's so easy to get caught up in everything, but eventually over time, you start to see that there is a lot more out there that lies beyond the walls of the university. As hard as it is for me, I'm starting to slow down and catch my breath. I remember that things weren't so bad when I lead my so called "boring life" and was able to sit around with no plans other than watching shit TV and watching the rain outside. I miss those days when I could lounge around in my jammies with no make-up and not a soul around in the house. If I wanted to eat Doritos for breakfast, I could and if I felt like running down to Burger King in my slippers, that wasn't a problem. I'd appreciate some time alone for a change without everyone in the kitchen, playing their music loud and running up and down in the corridor. I just can't be pleased either way it seems.

And so the days continue and I make it through yet again.