My Mumbling Thoughts

I thought it was going to be an early night. Everything is set up and ready for me to close my eyes and drift off into my own Dreamland. The lights are off, my bed is all warm and snuggly, I've washed my face and brushed my teeth, but even with my new iPod (Sugar) playing soothing tunes in my ears, I simply cannot shut the voices off in my head. They won't leave me alone. And it's all my fault.

I've watched two dvds, drank two small cups of tea, made an egg sandwich, smoked two fags, printed off my essay that I need to hand in tomorrow, checked everything that there is to check online, caught up with my e-mails to people back home and yet nothing works. I sit, staring at my blank wall with my eyelids so heavy and practically shut, and yet all I can think about is how badly I want to stand outside in the wind and freezing cold rain with nothing but rain boots on. For some reason I find that hilarious.

Things that I've been ignoring for the past month or so is creeping it's way back to the front of my mind. Things that I've said, that I've done, that are horrible and completely out of character, that I'm ashamed of, embarrassed of, that I've been denying for so long is just now starting to properly effect me. And my sleep pattern, so it seems. I can't help but feel it now. It's faint and almost undetectable, but it's there and I can feel it growing roots inside of my brain.

Part of me wants to try and right the wrong that I've done. Not to clear my guilty conscious (well, okay, maybe that) but to put an ending to something that has been begging to be put to rest for ages. Every story, even the bad ones, deserve a proper ending, no? Something that says, "yes, that is over and done with now." Something that will allow you to sleep at night and not have the little questions and worries fester in your mind and that randomly strike you when you're standing in line at Sainsbury's buying more bread and Southern Comfort.

The other side simply says to leave things alone. What's done is done and for fuck's sake can't you for once just leave it be? Enough damage has been done so let's not try and cause any more.

There was a moment in time when I thought, "fucking good riddance! I'm glad that's over with. Let's go to the bar, shall we?" I immediately forgot about the words that should have never been said and the things that should have never been done. As far as I was concerned, I no longer had that problem anymore. All I needed was a drink to wash the memories away and I'd be fine.

But lately, these past few days I've been thinking about what happened. I'm not sure what brought it on either.

You are a complicated woman, Samantha Leigh. The man you thought you loved and treated you like a queen, you fucked off and basically told him to drop dead. The man who treats you like shit and barely acknowledges your presence, you obsess over and want nothing more in the world than for him to show any kind of sign that he likes you back. You pathetic, pathetic thing. When will you ever learn?

It's a scary feeling knowing that you are the primary cause for so much pain. It's not something that I ever wanted cause. I've sat and said the excuses to myself and then tossed them out the window because they're bullshit. I know what I did. It's not because I was going through a tough time. Shit doesn't just happen and you move on. Sometimes you just act like an asshole and then can't be mature enough to clean up your own mess. It sucks.

And what's even scarier is that I think maybe that is our ending to our story. There isn't a castle, a white horse or a fucking sunset. All that's left is the broken glass that smashed when I threw a rock through the window to my dream house.