My Mumbling Thoughts

It was another memorable and emotional evening. Drinks were involved and the tension was so high I could barely see above my glasses.

I was ready for a fight. A proper scrap down on the floor with me screaming and punching my enemy so hard he wouldn't be able to walk for at least a couple of weeks. It had been years since I had fought someone and with the mental state I was in, nobody would get in my way and I dared everyone to try and stop me. All I needed to do was find him, locate him, pinpoint his exact location and take him down when he wasn't expecting it.

There's only so many times when a girl's emotions can be fucked with before she loses all control.

Everyone was put on alert. My phone was confiscated from me. I was told that I had a three drink minimum. Too bad I got three drinks from everyone I was with.

And then I saw him. I found him, located him and pinpointed his exact location.

I lit a fag for myself and started walking towards him. He was surrounded by his regular lot but I didn't care. I'd take them down as well. I dared them to stop me. I wanted them to try. I was prepared for it. There were so many things I wanted to say to him before I tore his limbs off his body. There were so many things that he needed to know, that I wanted him to hear. Things that I needed to say to his face so I could for once finally move on and get to the point where I didn't fall for his usual lines or his usual moves. It was vital for him to know how terrible he makes me feel. How he treats me like shit. How I turn into this needy, clingy and desperate person that I despise whenever I see him.

Then I could tear his ears off.

Before I made it over to him though, Helen walked in front of me, gave me a hug, held my face in her hands so I was looking at her in the eyes and asked me if I was okay.

My eyes started to cloud up with my tears and I began to shake as I lost control and fell apart right in the middle of the bar.

"No. No, baby, I'm not okay. I'm not okay in the slightest. I just want to fight him and I can't."

"Shhh. Shhh, honey, don't worry about him. He's just a wanker that didn't deserve any of your time in the first place. You are way too good for him, you can do a whole lot better and he's lucky to have ever spent any time with a girl like you."

Her boyfriend, David, walked up to us, took one look in my eyes and knew immediately what was wrong. He knows about the Sam and Sam saga. The dramatic soap opera that has been dragging on for far too long.

He gave me a hug and told me I'd be okay. I shouldn't worry about boy Sam and how he's just a cunt.

"He is. I know he is. I just want to tell him. Please let me tell him how much I hate him and how much of a cunt he is. Please. Please just let me do that. There are things I would have done for him. I would have been so good to him. Why won't he let me do that? Why doesn't he ever answer any of my questions?" The tears kept flowing through the sobs.

"Because that's boy Sam for you. He's an East London cunt. Forget about him. Don't worry about it anymore. You're going to be fine."

I turned to face Helen again and told her I wanted her to be there when I cussed him out.

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Sam? You're quite drunk. I don't think it's such a good idea."

"No. It's what I want to do. I need to do it tonight, because if I don't do it now, I may never do it. And then we can go dance and listen to Dave's new set of songs."

"Should we go out for some air first so you can smoke?"

"Yes, that sounds brilliant."

I stood outside in the rain as I smoked and pulled myself together. Helen disappeared for a moment and reappeared with, Adam, her ex-boyfriend and boy Sam's best friend.

"Sam, baby, tell me what's wrong? What's going on?"

It was no use trying to pull myself together because I fell apart the moment I saw Adam.

"Adam, I don't understand your fucking friend. What is his problem?"

"To be honest, I don't know what his problem is. But you can't talk to him right now, Sam. It's just not a good time. He's really drunk, you're really drunk. Nothing would get accomplished."

"Yes it would! It would! I'd finally get to tell him how much he fucking sucks. I'd tell him how I don't appreciate being jerked around. I'd tell him that I don't find it amusing that he gets with me one night and then pulls one of my good friends in a club the next night. I'd tell him that I never want to talk to him ever again and how I am so sure. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I want him to fucking leave me alone forever. Please....please....please let me tell him."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Sam. I'll have him call you tomorrow when you're both sober and sort this out."

"You won't. And if you do, he won't call. He's a coward."

After that point, I sank into myself and life began to happen around me at warp speed. I remember Adam leaving, Helen leaving, Alex and Zoe appearing out of nowhere, smoking, smoking and smoking some more. I drank a little more, despite everyone arguing with me about it, danced a little bit, cried a little more and forgetting why I was upset in the first place. I remember seeing Dave up on the dj stand and screaming out how much I loved him and how I was sorry that I didn't bring him any panties to throw at him while he was on stage. I'm not sure how I got outside but it was decided that we were all going to go home. I found my jacket and walked in the rain while shouting at random strangers.

I'm not sure what I did after I got home. I searched for my phone but couldn't find it and I didn't know who had it. I drank with strangers for a while. I set off the fire alarm from smoking inside the building and made everyone come outside at half three in the morning.

And then I fell asleep. I woke up peeling my eyelashes apart and wondering why I was wearing Alex's jumper. I made some tea, ate some toast and smoked some more. I stared out my window and became entranced by a small girl sliding around in the mud like it was her own personal frozen, muddy ice rink. Why there was a small girl alone on campus, I'm not sure, but it was a beautiful sight to see. She was in her own world with no worries and so happy. That innocence is so pure and I miss being so carefree. I want those days back. I would get down on both knees and beg for those days back if it was possible.

I don't feel anything at the moment. Well, I'm embarrassed, but aside from that I don't care anymore. It's done. I'm going to be fine. I thought I was going home during the Easter break, but it turns out that I'm not. I did get a job and my national insurance number, so that is a good thing. I said my bit and I'm sure he knows what he's done. I don't care if he's upset or if he doesn't care at all. I can't care about it anymore. It's too exhausting. I've got things to do and caring about him is no longer on that list. If I could have had my way I would have said it all to his face but I suppose I'll just have to settle with the message coming from his mate. It was probably safer for him as well.

Now I can get on with things. Now I can take care of myself.