My Mumbling Thoughts

Females. We are an emotional species aren't we? No matter how much we like to pretend and deny that we aren't, we still are. We either bottle it up so much in fizzy water that eventually it all bubbles up to the top and we explode, or we tie it up neatly in a little pouch until the seams begin to fall apart and it slowly seeps out of the sides. I'm not sure why we feel the need to keep it all inside, but nevertheless the majority of us do until we simply cannot bear it anymore.

The entire flat has been down for the past month or so. Everyone has problems and rather than sitting down and talking about what's bothering us, we decide to cope together by either getting pissed or stoned. The numbing effect works wonders but only for so long.

It was at the very last Palais when my fizzy water was shook up too much and I broke down on Helen's shoulder in the middle of the food court that they have for the pissheads that need something to soak up all of their alcohol. It was Digby Dave's birthday and boy Sam's birthday. I knew I wanted to go to celebrate Dave's birthday and I planned on getting drunk enough to dance happily amongst my friends, but not so wasted until I was a big ball of emotions lashing out at boy Sam for existing. I was successful until the end of the night when I needed to sit down for a fag break. I briefly spoke to boy Sam whilst dancing and soon after I walked off the dance floor, closely followed by Helen and couldn't contain the tears any longer.

It wasn't him. For once it wasn't him. I was over him. I had been over him for quite some time. I was only using him as an excuse as to why I got so emotional every time I drank too much. I knew exactly what the problem was, I just didn't feel like sharing with any of my flatmates. Crying over a boy was more acceptable in my mind than crying over my own problems that I created for myself. Besides, I didn't want them to see me down or think of me as weak. I was always the one who helped them, who made the stupid jokes when they weren't feeling their greatest and lifted them up. I was the cheery one who appeared to have everything in control and wasn't bothered by the fact that I have no money, that I've turned into this lazy person that I despise and still torn up over the fact that things between me and my mother aren't fabulous. I felt like I would have been a broken record and they would soon get tired of listening and tell me the same things that I've been telling myself for ages.

Get up and do something about it you fucking whiny baby. Nobody's going to do it for you. Duh.

It was hard but at the same time a huge relief to get it out of my system. To have somebody listen to me and see me at my most vulnerable was extremely scary and comforting at the same time. I babbled on and on and on about everything that I've been ignoring for the past four months and ranted and cried and could not stop. As soon as the flood gates had been opened it was difficult to try and shut them again.

"Sam, listen to me. I know things are shit right now. Everybody is going through shit. But you, you are not pathetic. I think you're so brave for moving your entire life over here. I can't even imagine everything you've had to go through to make it here. You're strong and you take care of us all when we need to be taken care of. But you've got to take care of yourself now, Sam. It's your turn. We'll all be fine and you know what? We'll help each other. It'll be fine."

"I miss my mom. I want to go home. I miss her so much and I hate to think that she's angry with me and disappointed in me. This isn't me. This isn't what I do. I'm not like this. And I had plans but now I can't even do them because I feel like the hole I've dug for myself is too deep. You're my best friend here, Helen, and I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here with me."

"You're my best friend here too. God, the amount of times I've come to you about all of my problems with David and such. I'm just glad that I can help you out from time to time."

We came back home after saying our final goodbye's to the Palais and made some toast. While we were in the kitchen I saw that Helen was off in her own world. She looked sad and I could tell that she was down. I told her to meet me in my room when she was finished and we'd have a chat.

She came walking in with a teddy bear that Fiona let her borrow and sat on my computer chair.

"I needed something to cuddle with," she told me.

"Do you want to sit on the bed? We'll get under the blanket."

She nodded and sniffled a little bit which lead to her tears for the evening. She came to sit next to me, put her head on my shoulder and I held her while we both cried holding onto our teddy bears.

"It's everything," I said to her and I could feel her nod under my arms. "And you know what? Nobody other than all of us will know how it feels or know what we're talking about when we say that all of this is shit. They won't understand because they aren't here, living it day-to-day. This is something that we're all experiencing and sharing together. And as much as it has been shit recently, it's still special in it's own fucked up kind of way. It may be cheesy and really corny, but we've got each other and that's something to appreciate. At least we aren't here alone, suffering."

We cried more and sat in silence with her head still resting on my shoulder. It was a moment but neither one of us wanted to mention it. It wasn't necessary. It never is. Instead I made one of my stupid/funny jokes and we eventually went to bed not sure if things would improve, but knowing that we could seek comfort in each other if the time ever came again.