My Mumbling Thoughts

Sitting on the plane it feels like all of the memories are being washed out of you. It was all a crazy dream and now you're going back home to be back in everything that is familar, that you know, understand and miss like crazy. None of it was real and if you were to tell everything that you had experienced to a psychiatrist, they'd tell you that it was a complete fabrication and write you a prescription to make all of the visions go away.

I never lived in a flat in London. I never met any of the wonderful people who quickly became my close family. My accent never changed. Nothing was real. I had completely made it all up.

Only it was real and even though it didn't feel as though any of that could have happened, it did and I went back home to open arms and new stories to share with everyone.

I was a changed person, but not in a bad way.

When we landed, I could see my old job's building since we are located directly across the street from the airport. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, but I took a deep breath and shoved them back. I wasn't going to cry and make it a big deal that I was back home. I was just home. That was all. I came home to visit everyone, relax and see everything. Not make it into a big thing. Everything in life doesn't have to be a Big Thing.

But it was so a big thing for me. I had been in denial for a long time and didn't realize just how homesick I was. As much as I didn't like work and complained about how boring life was, it was my home. I loved the people, I loved my family and all of the other little things that I always had at my fingertips but just took for granted while I lived there. I never wanted to admit that I missed home because it was my decision to go to uni so far away. I had wanted it so badly and worked on it for so long that once I got everything I wanted I should have been the happiest person in the world.

And I was. But that didn't mean I couldn't still miss home. It wasn't a bad thing to be homesick even though I thought it was.

After we got off the plane, I bolted down the corridors and weaved my way through customs. I literally ran to the baggage claim so I could grab my suitcases and walk through the doors where Momma and Mel would be waiting for me. I'm sure I made a new record by going through all of that in exactly twenty-two minutes.

Once I passed through the last set of doors, I scanned the crowd searching for Momma and Mel's faces. I was excited and so happy to be back.

I didn't see them. They weren't there. They couldn't have been late to pick me up. That's not how it was supposed to be! They were supposed to be on time and right at the front to come and greet me.

They were standing at a Starbucks stand getting strawberry and vanilla bean frappuccinos. Momma had her neck extended searching for me while Mel stood up at the till to pay for their drinks. I was walking straight in front of Momma and she didn't see me coming.

Me: "Momma. Hello Momma."

Momma: "Oh, Samantha. I didn't even see you standing right there."

We gave each other a big hug.

Momma: "My haven't you got fat."

Me: "I missed you too, Momma."

**

Home was lovely. I took it all in little by little and every so often I would pause just to remember and feel everything to the max. I missed Momma's road rage, I missed the house and I missed laying around with bad TV on in the background while I laid in my bed. It was better then I had remembered and a lot better then all of the dreams I had in the early mornings at uni.

I saw the new furniture that Momma had bought while I was away and on the second night there I cooked dinner for Momma and Mel using mostly English things that we had bought from a place called The British Pantry in Chantilly. I chilled alone in the house when Momma and Mel went to work, and driving for the first time was a little nerve wracking but after I was on the 66 for about five minutes it was like I had never left. I saw a lot of old co-workers when I stopped by, chatted to them for a bit, went to lunch and had a little happy hour on the first Thursday I was back. I saw Mendy for a bit, chatted with Momma and had petty arguments with Mel.

After the first week, Zoe flew in from London and we went to go pick her up from the airport. It wasn't as strange as I thought it would be having her in Virginia. It was really chill and for most of the time that she was there we relaxed and hung out at the house watching Gilmore Girls and reality TV. We took her into Washington D.C., walked around Alexandria and of course hit all of my favorite food places and shopping centers. She took to it all so easily and quickly became addicted to sweet tea. I had never seen somebody drink so much tea in such a short amount of time. I was impressed.

The whole two and a half weeks was exactly what I needed. A bit of retail therapy, eating loads of food and completely detoxing my body. We started going to the tanning beds again, got pedicures and occasionally drove around aimlessly while listening to a new set of driving music and put on some old school tunes for a cruise down memory lane. I liked being out and away from the uni bubble. I liked not having all of the drama weighing me down and was even happier about eating food that wasn't cheap pasta from Asda. Momma and I had a couple of lovely chats and got all of our stuff sorted and I came to terms with the fact that no matter how much I hate to admit it, I'm a spoiled Momma's girl who needs her mother to tell her that even though things can be really shit sometimes, it will eventually work itself out in the end. I need her...no matter how far away I move or how old I get.

**

Now I'm back in the UK, refreshed, a bit tanner then before I left and on a new health kick that Zoe and I are doing together. My money has been sorted since I got a fair amount back in taxes and I'm ready to finish up the last bit of this term. The trees have leaves on them once again, the sun is shining and life in general just seems to be better. I'm not on bad terms with anyone and my head is back in a good place. I shall once again take to the keyboard and will hopefully be writing stuff that isn't so depressing. I just keep thinking about when I was in Momma's room with the nightly news on in the background on the TV, and how she said that things will get better. Things will be okay. I'm okay.