My Mumbling Thoughts

It's six o'clock in the morning and I haven't been to sleep since ten o'clock the previous morning. I haven't showered, changed my clothes, brushed my hair or left the flat. God, I hope that I'd never leave the flat looking like the state that I'm in.

I reckon I probably won't go to sleep either. I'm just not sleepy. I don't have the desire to lay in my bed, close my eyes and drift off to count some sheep and catch some z's. I just don't want to. I want to stay awake for as long as possible and see when my crash point is. I'll probably have a shower in a bit only because I have some coursework to hand in and I've got to go four steps outside of the flat in order to do that.

It is that time for us all. The summer ball was this past weekend and now all that we have left is to hand in coursework, some of us have to take exams and then it's done. We're finished. Our first year of uni is complete and we're let free for the summer to do who know's what. Some people are getting full time jobs, others are going travelling while most of us will probably just head on back home to our lives that have been waiting patiently since we left. In truth, I could probably go back home anytime after this Wednesday since I won't have anything left to hand in, but I'll be here until the end. The 16th of June is the last day we can be here. After that, our room keys will be deactivated and we'll be chucked out of the front gates with all of our shit.

I have been thinking about this day ever since everybody left for our Christmas break. People packed up a lot of their things to go back home and it was hard seeing them go off into the blue yonder with their suitcases in tow. I could deal with it for the most part since I knew they'd be coming back in a couple of weeks, but I could only imagine what it would be like when we had to officially move out. We'd have to go through all of our things that we've accumulated over this past year, chuck out a lot of shit that we don't use or even knew we owned and clear out all of stuff in the kitchen.

It's hard to think about. And yeah, I get choked up easily if I think about it for too long.

I'm going to miss my Lee House bitches.

So much stuff has happened to me since I arrived here. So much stuff has happened to us all since we've been here. We've all changed. I suppose others have had much more dramatic transformations than others, but we're certainly not the same as when we first stepped foot into the flat. We've had millions of late night conversations, trillions of smoke breaks together and oh lord the drama, drama, DRAMA. It never ended. I'm not sure it ever will.

We barely have three weeks left in our flat and already I'm having my silent meltdowns when I don't think that anybody's looking. I sit in the kitchen with everyone chatting shit about random things like we always do and I think how many times we've done this. And how many times have I taken it for granted and didn't permanently engrave in my memory how much I'd miss this and how I should have cherrished more moments like these. I should have recorded it all. My memory simply isn't good enough because what if I missed something? What if something happened and I just didn't remember? How unfair would that be?

I've learned that uni time is much different from reality time. While things go on outside of the uni walls, our little uni bubble, life is moving at warp speed inside. One week roughly equates to three months on the inside. Even though we've only been living here almost ten months, it feels like we've owned this place for five years. This is just how things are. There will always be the bar. There will always be the bop. There will always be the Bede boys and the bag of drama that they come with. Everyone will always be right just down the hall and you'll never get lonely because someone is always here. It's very rare that you'll be completely alone in the flat. And if it ever does happen, you can just go down to another floor and see somebody there that you know and hang out with them.

It's a really strange place to be. I love it and hate it at the same time. This is my second home, this is my extended family and this is the new life that was born after I left home. As frustrating as it can be at times and even though I sometimes just want to disappear and forget that I live here, I don't want to leave. I never want to leave. It's my issues that I have with change, I know this. I also know that uni has fallen into a rut for me and change is not only unavoidable but it's absolutely necessary for me. If I don't do something to change how I've been over this past year, I may go mental. Absolutely mental.

The second half of this term after Easter has been insanely busy for me. I've been working at a cool little shop ever since I got back from Virginia, catching up on a massive stack of coursework and sorting through all of my things that I need to do for next year. I also had to prepare myself for the summer ball which is only the biggest thing that our uni does every year and what we've all been obsessing over since day one.

I know I've been a terrible blogger for the past couple of months. You don't have to tell me. I don't update anywhere near as much as I used to and I'm not exactly the most detailed person when it comes to certain things. I don't think I really explained anything over this past year as well as I could have. So I'm working on a thing...a story. About me (naturally). In London. It's probably going to take me ages to write out since I want to make sure everything is right and flows alright. I already started working on it about a week ago, I just haven't had any time to finish it up and post it up on here. But it's in the works and I figure after I get back home and start work again, I'll have plenty of time to detail my entire uni experience back in my little cubicle just like the old days. I'm well excited about getting it all out. Because let's face it. A lot of shit has happened. A lot of words need to be shared.

We have lovely blue skies today. Perhaps now I'll have that shower and wear a dress when I'm out and about.