My Mumbling Thoughts

I wonder everytime I step out of the flat and onto the sidewalk why I even bother to do my hair every single day. Really, what is the point? I leave the flat with it all perfectly in place only to return with it frizzy, wavy and in a messy heap on top of my head. Walking around London in the cold rain is so not what it's cracked up to be.

I'm a second year student at university that lives off campus this year. Not a fresher. Very much outside of the uni bubble. This year presents itself with new challenges that I'm learning to overcome. Last year was obviously me coping in general with being in a completely new place, learning to adapt to the differences I was raised with and meeting new people left and right. It was all about change and me coming out on the other end a new person with a bit more life experience under my belt.

This year is not so much about personal struggles within myself and all of that deep, philosophical chow chow, but more every day real struggles that everyone goes through in their lifetime. Money issues are still very much a problem for me, but I know they'll eventually sort themselves out once other people get back to me (for the record, I just want to mention how shit the bank is and how I hate it with a deep and firey passion that burns deep within my soul). I have to pay bills this year. Like, real bills. It's not just my phone and car insurance anymore. No, no, no. We have a gas bill, a water bill, rent and electricity to keep an eye on. We have to deal with our council estate stuff, think about taxes and fill out forms now that we're students that no longer live within the worry-free zone of the uni bubble.

These are my new worries. In some ways, I prefer these worries over the ones I had last year. They are stressful, but far less traumatising than the shit I was dealing with last year. Everything is quite literally spelled out for me in black and white, and there's no need to analyse anything. Everything is fact and that is that.

But regardless that we do live off campus this year, and we aren't so sickly engrossed and/or obsessed about uni life, it doesn't mean that we're completely exempt from everything. No matter what we thought during the summer (this year counts, I want to focus more of my time on coursework rather than going out and pissing my money away), there simply isn't a way for us all to fall off the face of the planet and quietly exist in our new tiny world.

Things, people, even places will eventually find us again and we'll be left standing, frozen and unaware of what just smacked us straight in the face.

I was pretty much thrown back into my life here. I was extremely late in doing everything considering my main stress and concern was just scraping together any money to even get myself back over here. I didn't think about anything else other than getting myself back to London. And when I did finally get back over here, it was almost like I was racing myself to see how fast I could get everything done and finished so I could just pick right back up where I left off and do nothing but steadily work my way up. Nothing else crossed my mind. No one else crossed my mind.

But isn't that how the way things are? The second you start getting yourself together, that one thing or person will for some reason reappear and awaken a side of you that you put to rest ages ago.

Enter, boy Sam.

Oh that boy. That silly boy that has caused me so much grief in the past. The one I let cause me so much grief. We barely spoke to each other over the summer and the minute I was sure that I'd be coming back to London, he wiggled his way back onto my main radar. We had long chats over msn and once I was back in the UK I started getting text messages from him. He even rang me to see if I'd be going to the bar a couple of times. And that was funny considering he used to never ring me. Ever. For anything. I can only remember one time when he rang me even before we had our first fall out.

I started to freak out a little.

Okay, that's a lie. I started to freak out a lot.

My brain went straight back into mental overdrive like how it used to and I was racking my brain with all of those familar questions that used to drive me into the ground before.

Why is he texting me? What does this mean? Why does he care? Why can't he just leave me alone? Has he changed? Will it be different this time?

Blah, blah, fucking BLAH.

A couple of things happened. Important things.

First, I got drunk. When seeing boy Sam for the first time since the summer, I wanted to look hot and have a nice buzz going on.

Second, I recognized that all of the old feelings for him were still very much there, just not as strong. I also recognized that he is just one of those people for me that I'm uncomfortably comfortable with. And it makes me uncomfortable.

Third, I got ridiculously drunk on a different night and had a breakdown over him, naturally.

Fourth, I went to the bop (oh, the legendary bop) and woke up the next day completely free and liberated.

After that night, I was fine. Something finally clicked inside of my brain and all of a sudden everything made sense. I do not want to be with someone (or attempt to be with someone) that does not want to be with me. All of me. Completely. All of the time.

We've had some good chats since then and I've been fine. I may slip every so often and think that I'm going back to my mental ways, but for the most part I'm functioning fine when he's around and more importantly, when he's not around. We get on as friends and only as friends. I've told him that he's not right for me and if I'm honest, I'm probably not right for him and how I want someone who is so sickly intoxicated for me all the time, round the clock, head over heels, over the moon, borderline obsessed with me. But normal, of course.

It's weird, but good and necessary for us. For all of us. I think it may even get to the point where I can text him, see what he's up to and go over just to hang out or grab a bite to eat and everything will be fine and normal. That's all I really wanted in the end.

These days I can focus more on myself rather than him. I've got way more important things on my hands this year and I'll be damned if I let one man distract me from my second chance.