My Mumbling Thoughts

Occasionally when I think about it, I find it strange that people I know and co-exist with day-to-day actually read my mumbling thoughts on here. Sometimes I feel like warning them beforehand; "hey, don't get scared. I promise I wasn't going to do anything drastic, like kill myself or anything. I was just a bit depressed. You know how melodramatic I can get sometimes. There's some funny stuff on there as well....somewhere....it might take me a while to find it."

I give them what I call "the rules," which are 1.) don't you dare tell anyone the address without consulting me first (I'll probably say no anyway, so don't bother asking). 2.) Don't talk to me about what I write on my blog (like about the serious shit anyway). It's my venting area, what I do in order to get shit off my chest.

That's it. That's all I ask for. I don't think that's too much or selfish of me.

Other times though, I think it's really cool that people I know semi-regularly read what I write. It's funny when they make certain comments about stuff and I'll laugh with them saying, "See! I told you there was something funny in there."

The thing about sharing my love of blogging with Trish is that she makes me want to do it more. And by "more" I mean it's the first thing I want to do when I wake up. I could skip over facebook for a little while if only I could just update my blog first. I have gone over loads of my old posts remembering how often I used to update (Monday-Friday, without fail), and how there was some actual decent shit in there amongst all of my crap ramblings.

I also realized how much I've changed. How much my writing has changed. If I'm honest, I think my writing was a lot better back in the day, but I think it's because I did it more regularly and didn't slack off with writing minor details, and what I consider funny anecdotes. I like to think I used to have a bit of quip in my writing, a flicker of humor here and there, with some insightful thoughts peppered throughout to make it rich and entertaining. I want to do that again.

And just like Sean told my Life Writing class on the very first day I started uni last September, is that it has to be your life. You must practice writing every day, otherwise you'll never be as good as you could be. Leone, another favorite lecturer of mine, compared it to exercising. It's rare that people can just eat whatever they want and never gain an ounce of fat; you have to work out, eat healthy, and work hard every day, otherwise you're going to blow up like a killer whale, and nobody wants that. I know I don't want to be a killer whale.

For the past two days now (I know, such a long running streak), Trish and I have found ourselves on each of our settees in the lounge on our laptops clicking away as we each update our blogs. It's fun, and what I like to call "friend bonding time" even though we don't really speak to each other. I've never blogged with somebody else before. Perhaps it'll be a more regular thing with us and I'll update every single day like how I used to when I worked on the 3rd floor. Man. Those days seem so long ago. So we'll see how it goes, and see what I manage to type up here from London on a daily basis. I'm really hoping that we keep it up, and even by the end of this month, I'll have loads of shit to look back on.

**

The morning times are still frigid when I walk outside of the flat heading to my lectures, but usually by the time we're freed from our chairs, it has warmed up quite a bit outside and I'm halfway tempted to take my jacket off and sling it over my arm to carry it around. I don't, because I'm sure I'll catch another cold and be put on bed rest for yet another week, since my immune system still isn't up to where I'd like it to be, but it's nice that I have the thought to shed a layer of winter clothing. The weather appears to be in between winter and spring, and quite frankly, I'm looking forward to the day when I can walk out of the flat wearing nothing but a nice dress and flip flops, without my packet of tissues in my purse for when my nose begins to run.

We leave the curtains open in the flat and let the sun roast our kitchen, only to shut them when we park ourselves on the settee, because the reflection from the sun off of our laptops is blinding. We tidy a little bit, we listen to a bit of music, we make food for ourselves and snack whilst we're doing work, and yet even though everyone will be downstairs doing their own thing, something feels off to me. The dynamic in our flat has changed dramatically, and sometimes I feel like it's all my fault.

Even though I say that I like to keep myself out of drama, and it's not my business, and really, could you please not tell me because I have enough shit to worry about, I find myself in the center of some mini fires that I've set myself. I can just see myself with the box of matches, lighting each one and letting it burn out, wondering which one is going to actually catch on a pile of newspapers and set everything ablaze.

There are people in my close inner circle that I've been keeping at arm's length these days, because I either have nothing to say to them, or I've changed my idea of what I originally had thought of them. I don't like what they do or how they do things. And sometimes I feel like I watch them every time they're in my eyesight, just so I can find something small and insignificant that they do that shouldn't annoy me, but does; then I'll pounce on them and start a huge argument over the fact that they don't close the shower curtain after they get out of the shower, when really it's about how much their personality has been irritating me to no end.

I know it's one of the first things that you're taught when you're a little kid, and I've been exercising my right not to speak if you have nothing nice to say. It doesn't really put a strain on me, but I've noticed that there is extreme tension in the flat. Hell, other people who don't even live here feel it when they visit, and I don't like it. I don't like that things have changed between me and some of my friends. I don't like thinking horrible thoughts about people and actually saying, "well fuck them then." It used to not be like that. We used to not irritate each other. We used to live together happily, and I can remember back in first year when I couldn't get through the day without seeing or talking to every single one of them for at least an hour.

Sometimes I think that it's because we spend too much time together and we could do with a break from each other. Then other times I think that we have spent time apart from each other. We've all just changed so rapidly since we've known each other, and those changes have left permanent marks on my mind, and I won't be able to forget about it.

I don't want to have a big fall out with anyone in my close inner circle. I don't want to have a giant argument, and yell and scream, and make comments that hit way below the belt. But I feel like there's a massive thunderstorm in our horizon, brewing and getting ready to pour all of it's angry raindrops down into our flat. And I'm preparing myself for that day if it comes. Mentally, I've been putting on my armor, gathering all of my weapons and sleeping with one eye open. It's a sad thing when you don't trust those around you. It happens though, and it's a part of life, almost like you're weeding out those people who truly love you for you, and those that are purely there for entertainment purposes, and who you know you could live without if you had to.