My Mumbling Thoughts

I always thought that people who go to see therapists and counselors were pussies. God, can't they hack it on their own? Losers.

But then I moved away from home and discovered why people go to see counselors and have therapists - it's because life is shit.

Recently I've been feeling a bit down; not quite my usual, chipper self. I've kept to myself in my room, alone, with my earbuds securely in my ears and my music on LOUD to keep all outside distractions out. I've got a mountain of coursework due in (and some that I discovered was due in yesterday, which I haven't even started), and I thought if I locked myself in my room, I could knock it all out in about two days and not have anything else uni-related to worry about until September.

I learned that that doesn't work. Locking yourself in your room for two days is a very bad idea and everyone should steer far away from ever doing that. I'm here to tell you that you'll get absolutely nothing accomplished, except for many hours wasted away on facebook.

When I wasn't being a sick facebook user, I would sit and think, and think, and think, and over think some more. I cleaned. I stared out my window. I cried. Boy, did I cry.

Alone.

Because of everything. Because I was alone, and sad, and depressed, and homesick, and melodramatic, and angry, and frustrated, and every other disgusting emotion that I despise. And also because I had a zit on the side of my nose that was the size of Jupiter. If there was a reason for me to cry, I did.

The annoying thing is that I would cry for about a minute, and then I would force myself to stop. I hated that I was crying over nothing. Over stupid nothingness. I knew what was wrong, so why was I coming up with other reasons for why I was sad and crying? The list of The Real Reasons To Cry has been elbowing me in the ribs for months now, so much that I'm afraid there might be a permanent bruise.

But The Real Reasons To Cry are mentally tacked in the front of my brain.

- I have no money.
- I owe people money.
- I don't have a job.
- Therefore, no money is coming in.
- Which results in me still owing people money.
- I'm late on the rent.
- I can't help pay the bills.
- When was the last time I even put electric on?

As we can all see, my main problem has been lack of funds. That's all I've been thinking about, and it never goes away. I wake up in the morning, and there's this giant ten pound note sitting at the foot of my bed, looking at me, laughing at me, and smoking.

I'm not sure why he's smoking, but for some reason that seems significant.

And he talks to me. He tells me every day, "you're a poor motherfucker."

"I know!" I shout at him. Then I tear off my covers, steal his cigarette and smoke the rest of it whilst blowing smoke in his paper face.

Sometimes he follows me when I go up to uni. I'll ignore him for the most part, but his little coin friends are harder to ignore when they're jumping all around my feet, pointing and laughing at me. I hate them the most.

Aside from my own illusions, I have been trying to do things in order to better myself. While I do wish that a million pounds would fall out of the sky and into my hands, I realize that the chances of that happening are pretty slim to none. I've got that Simon guy looking for jobs for me, and I am helping out in the flat where I can. I do know that sitting in my room and crying isn't going to get anything done.

My mental state recently hasn't been the greatest though. I've shut down to everyone around me. I'm not sure if they've noticed or not (I tried to conceal it for the most part), but it has been consuming me. I just feel like I've been sinking and I'm finding it difficult in order to pull myself out of this...mood. Out of this rut. Out of this feeling.

So I made an appointment with our local counseling centre. I suppose I'm a pussy and a loser. Oh well, I don't care. This Wednesday at 10:30a.m. I'll be meeting with a lady named, Fran, to talk about my problems and what I can do to remedy them. And hopefully remedy that giant ten pound note and his pesky coin friends. It's not that I don't want to talk about it with everyone that I already know, but I just don't want to make it into a "thing." I don't want to have a huge Sammi Spectacle and have everyone listen to me whine about shit they've already heard a million times. I know they're my friends and they'd never say that, but at the same time, I'm sure they get tired of hearing me complain about it all the time; I get tired of it.

I'll probably cry in front of her, which I'm really not looking forward to. I have a serious issue with crying in front of strangers. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable. There you are, in a very vulnerable position, raw, exposed, and in front of someone you don't know. Nothing is worse for me.

But it needs to come out. I had a bit of a proper cry today with Helen when it was just us two in the flat. All of my feelings have just been laying right at the surface for the past couple of days, and the tiniest thing pushes me right over the edge. When I began to let the waterworks flow in front of Helen, we were in the lounge and she was talking about what she wanted for dinner.

"Perhaps I'll have a bowl of spinach," she said casually.

And I couldn't contain it anymore. All I thought was "who eats just spinach? Aside from Popeye?" and cried non-stop for at least a good twenty minutes on her shoulder. It felt good. Although I'm sure there's plenty more where it came from.

***

For those of you who love Dane Cook and really love to cry. Totally me, only not as funny, unfortunately.

Posted by Sam at 09:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I don't really give myself enough credit. I am so observant. Like, freakishly observant. I see everything whether I want to or not. I can see you on the outside, on the inside, and see right through you. I know things about what I see, and I see particular moments in time that are substantial and mean something. Then I can piece together those substantial moments and learn things about you, discover hidden meanings.

And those moments, those little moments that I see, I freeze them. I'll stop time, cup them in my hands and look at them while they stand still.

It's those moments that I feel, and know what lies ahead in the future. Things change. People change. Dynamics change. Circumstances change. Life really isn't that hard to understand if only you lay those moments out in front of you and see how everything is mapped out. You can easily connect the dots and learn that no, it's not a vicious cycle that goes round and round, but rather a straight line and will continue moving right along at a steady speed. We just like to confuse ourselves and muddle things up and convince ourselves otherwise; we were "caught up in the moment" or "life was just happening around us."

The thing about that steady, straight line, is that we can't reverse time. We can never pick out certain moments and go back to the way things used to be. We can't re-create a particular moment because once it's gone, it's gone. All we're left with is that lingering feeling of happiness, of comfort, of easiness, and wishing that things could be like that forever. People try, they try to re-create moments, but it's never the same. It's forced, it's fake and you're just left feeling uncomfortable, not happy.

All we can really do I suppose, is when we do have one of the pleasant and happy moments frozen inside of our hands, cherish it. Look at it, appreciate it and smile, because we're never really sure how long it'll last. And when it's gone, when the frozen exterior finally melts away and it has slipped through your fingers, accept that it's over and be happy that you were given that moment in the first place.

Posted by Sam at 07:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This month has been exceptional for music. Music for me, I suppose. If you're not into my kind of musical groove, then perhaps you would disagree when it comes to this month. Maybe you're having a musical dry spell? In which case, I can't really sympathize, because I've been having a musical dry spell for well over a year. Sure, I've bought some new music; Goldfrapp's new album, Seventh Tree, is amazing to say the least, and proves once again why they are one of my favorite bands ever. They expand their sound, whilst still at the same time stay true to their base foundation that makes all of their fans sit back, relax and slip into their happy place.

But this month in particular, I have purchased so many good albums that have been released, and the music notes make my ears smile; and it all coincides perfectly with this sunny weather that has recently been blessed upon London Town.

I first discovered French Kicks on the first of April. This band has been around for a while, however, they have transformed so much over the years, first coming out with a grainy, garage/punk sound. I'm not a big fan of it, but everybody has to start somewhere I suppose. These days, though, the band is chilled out, relaxed and it feels like I'm sitting in a jacuzzi with the bubbles wrapped all around me. I have listened to their newest album, Swimming, on repeat ever since; on the walk up to uni, on the walk back to uni, when I'm sitting in the kitchen, when I'm sitting in my room, when I'm smoking, when I'm getting ready....you get the point. And for some reason, they remind me of driving in my car back in VA during the fall. I'm not sure why, but I get vivid images of the colors brown, red, orange and gold.

On the same day, I discovered The Apples In Stereo. They are a bit more bouncy than French Kicks, but still have the occasional relaxed track. They're so funny and quirky and make me feel like I'm in a 50's television program, even with the random French song "Avril en Mai" (which is quite possibly the cutest song I've ever heard in another language). They make me happy and their sound is so catchy, you can't help but want to dance on the sidewalk whenever you stick in your earbuds and step outside. Their band has also been around for a while, but I've yet to purchase any of their previous albums...yet. I'll give my American Express a break before I go and abuse iTunes again.

The Submarines were next on my list, and I quickly bought both of their albums. They're from California, and maybe it's something in the air, but most bands that I hear from California, I love. They kind of remind me of The Hush Sound (who have also recently released another album), but unlike The Hush Sound, The Submarines are a lot less theatrical without the main presence of a piano. You can take The Submarines out in your back garden, sit quietly on a bench and just wait for all of the butterflies and ladybugs to come out and dance around the flowers. It's not just the sound either, but the actual lyrics that I love as well. There's not enough good things to say about them.

My next two albums, I'm completely over the moon about, because the first one, Shine, I've been waiting on for OVER A YEAR. I randomly discovered them on myspace before I discovered facebook. They are French and are absolutely mesmerizing. I obsessed over their songs that they had posted on their myspace, and have been waiting oh so impatiently for their album, The Common Station, to be released. Yesterday, when I was roaming the internet, I remembered about them and was pleasantly surprised that their album was available worldwide and I could purchase it from the comfort of my living room via iTunes (as always).

They're in London for one night only (tonight), and unfortunately, since I am poor and lame, I am unable to go. But that doesn't mean that I don't love every single song on their album. It was completely worth the wait, and for some reason all of the songs that are in French, I *heart* even more, just because they sound so heartbreakingly sweet. I can tell that this album is going to be one of the albums that everyone in the flat screams at me to "PLEASE TURN OFF. NO MORE FRENCH SONGS." But I won't. Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST TOO DAMN GOOD.

And last, but certainly not least in the slightest, is The Weepies new album Hideaway. They're back from tour, married and have a wee little baby in tow. So many changes which means, so much new material to write and sing about! It is unmistakably The Weepies sound, and it only makes me want to listen to all of their albums back-to-back staring at a never ending sunset. I haven't had time to sit down and properly listen to it (I mean, the album did just come out today), but I can already tell that it's going to be one of my main albums that I relate back to summer in London, just like their previous two albums.

Needless to say, I'm going to be busy getting lost in a swimming pool of musical notes. I'll be surrounded by saxophones, violins, guitars, pianos, drums, keyboards and the sweet, soft, serenading voices of all of the above mentioned bands. I have a smorgasbord of new music and I'm not complaining in the slightest.

Posted by Sam at 01:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The two of them turned in a semi-circle and started north to leave the sunflower field. Peaches was so excited that she didn't even realize that she had walked slightly ahead in front of Henry.

"Hey now, wait up for me," he hollered to her.

"Sorry. I'm just a little excited."

"I'll say you are. So, are you sure you know how to get us out of these sunflowers?" he asked as they were walking side-by-side now.

"I'm pretty sure I do. My friend and I have walked out here a few times when our parents have had dinner parties. Her uncle is always telling us that this is the way to get onto the Main Road," she told him confidently, even if she was slightly unsure of herself.

"Well as long as you know where you're at."

The two of them walked along partially in silence, looking around at the unfamiliar territory that they were now exploring. The sun was shining brightly above them, but they didn't feel the spring weather heat underneath the shade provided by the giant sunflowers that still surrounded them. Everything seemed new and untouched to Peaches, and with every step she took, she could feel the excitement radiating throughout her.

They did make conversation though, and learned about each other. Henry told Peaches of his "brave escape" (or fall from the delivery truck), and Peaches told him about her small day-to-day experiences that he found very interesting, but that she thought was boring and mundane. With all of the talking that the two of them were doing, they didn't realize how much time had passed and eventually they found themselves on the Main Road.

It was a quiet two lane road that took the travelers by surprise. They weren't expecting to see the road so soon. Up a little ways ahead of them was an old country truck that was pulled over on the side with a flat tire. It appeared that Peaches journey was already over, even though she wasn't ready to turn around and go back home.

"Well dear Peaches, it has been fun, however, it looks like this is where I shall leave you. I lucked out as well with that truck up there for a ride," Henry said with a bit of sadness in his voice. He tried to sound chipper, but after having Peaches around as a travel friend, he had quickly grown fond of her. She was right as well, and was lovely to travel with.

"Already? That's it? That's my adventure? But we just went for a walk," Peaches said, feeling let down.

"Yes, but wasn't it an exciting walk?" Henry asked her, trying not to sound too patronizing.

"Well, it was nice walking with you, sure, but we didn't really see much else. I just thought that there would be a little more." Henry could hear the disappointment in her voice.

"You should probably head back now. You don't want your family wondering where you are. Thanks again for helping me out of the sunflowers. I couldn't have done it without you," Henry smiled and turned towards the blue truck that was getting ready to take him to his new, unknown destination. He hated to be so short with Peaches, but he never was good with goodbye's.

Henry was halfway down the road, leaving Peaches alone and dumbfounded. She couldn't believe that he had just left her on the side of the road to walk all the way back alone. That wasn't a walk in her mind. It was a rip off. And she wasn't impressed in the slightest.

She had an idea, and decided to hop along without Henry knowing. She figured she could be back before dinner time and nobody would even notice that she was gone. Well, they probably would, but she had to justify leaving in her mind to make her feel less guilty about leaving without telling anyone.

Without thinking or looking back, Peaches began to follow Henry and would surprise him once they were both on the truck. One way or another, she was going to get her adventure.

**

Quietly, she climbed up the back of the blue truck like how she watched Henry do it previously before her. She saw these green, plastic containers that were holding all of these different aluminum cans and decided that would be a good place to hide out until they started moving. Once the truck was en route, she'd surprise Henry and he wouldn't be able to make her go back after that. He'd have to let her stay with him.

While she was hiding out though, he heard something behind her.

"Psst. Hey. You there. The strawberry milkshake. How'd you get on here?" the squeaky voice said to her.

She turned around, but didn't see anything.

"Who said that?" Peaches said out loud to the unknown voice.

"Me, over here," a little hand was sticking out from one of the plastic crates and waving to Peaches.

She walked towards the case and saw that the voice was coming from an aluminum Pepsi Cola can.

"Hello," Peaches said to the stranger.

"Hey. How'd you get up here? You don't belong here," he said to her.

"I'm with a friend. Who are you?" she asked.

"I'm Pete," he told her. "We're all here because we're going to the recycling center. But I've never seen you before. You weren't with the others when we all got picked up, and I'm sure I would have remembered you. Are you lost? The recycling center can be a pretty scary place. Not a place for a sweet, innocent milkshake like yourself," he said to her.

"No, I just climbed aboard with my friend - "

"Peaches!" Henry shouted to her.

"Henry!" she said smiling and excited.

"What are you doing here?' he asked her, but didn't seem as excited as she was.

"I was just explaining to this Pepsi can about our adventure," she told him innocently.

"You're supposed to be on your way back home!" he scolded, almost as if he was her father.

"I thought you'd be excited to see me."

"I am," he said. "But you shouldn't be here. You should be on your way back home."

"That's what I was going to tell her," Pete chimed in.

"Well, I'll go home when I'm ready." Peaches had put her foot down. She wasn't going to be told what to do, just because these two thought she was too delicate to brave the outside world. She was very capable of taking care of herself.

At that moment, the truck lurched forward and began to drive towards the recycling center.

"I supposed there really isn't any turning back now," Henry said.

***

To be continued...

Posted by Sam at 12:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It is something that I do every day. Every. Single. Day. And it's my favorite thing to do. Whoever came up with the shower, is a genius. The idea, yes, seems simple when you first think about it; water cascading over you at a nice temperature so you can cleanse your body from head to toe; and all of the excess water simply washes down the drain, where you don't have to think or worry about it. But the shower, is something that one should savor every day, and not take for granted.

It's a rare occasion that I don't have a shower. I'll either be so ill that I cannot physically get out of bed, and even more rare than that - I just can't be bothered. However, that only lasts for one day, and early on the following morning you'll hear me turn the shower on and relish the entire experience that much more.

I like to consider it time well spent alone. I sort my thoughts out in the shower, think about what I'd like to wear for the day, make lists of things to do, make lists of things I need to do, or more often, I'll day dream and get lost in my own thoughts whilst standing under the falling water. That's always my favorite thing to do; just stand underneath and feel every drop hit my skin. It's relaxing and soothing, and gives the illusion that I'm wrapped up in warm blankets - it's a hot water hug. Sometimes I'll just look down at my skin and find it funny to see that even though my hair is wet, my skin appears to be completely waterproof.

Aside from standing underneath the water with no purpose, I love using new shower products. How much fun is it when you buy new shampoo or body wash and use it for the first time in the shower? It's like a mini Christmas party in your bathroom that you celebrate every few weeks. I like to buy different body soaps, shampoos and conditioners just to see what they're like. What do they smell like when you first crack them open and the steam carries the new scent throughout the room? Are they better or worse than what you've previously used? There are so many different things out there to make the whole showering process more fun. Loofahs and shower gloves are great examples. Nobody out there can say that a loofah hasn't improved their life. The exfoliating of the skin and the new, fresh, clean layer that is exposed after you scrub away all of yesterdays old skin cells. It's amazing.

I know after every shower, I'm going to feel so much better about myself. It's not just a way to clean yourself and make yourself smell better, but a way to wake yourself up before your first cup of coffee early in the morning, a way to kick start yourself and the first step you take in getting ready for the entire day. Without the shower, there would be no blow-drying of the hair, or rolling on fresh deodorant on the surface of clean skin. It is the first, necessary step to do anything. You know that people always take a shower when they're ill, or take showers to cool off when they're angry, or they'll take a shower to be alone and cry. Showers are, in a way, therapeutic. Who needs a therapist when you can just jump in the shower for a little bit and come out feeling that. much. better.

So when people ask me why I take up to fifteen to twenty minutes in the shower every day, that is my response. Who wouldn't love to live underneath the hot water that stings at first and turns your skin slightly red? Who doesn't love re-creating a sauna every single day in their bathroom and feel their skin begin to wrinkle? Who doesn't get that comforting feeling underneath the shower head, and get lost in their own world and not worry about what's going on outside of the bathroom door? It is a brilliant place, and if I could, I'd stay for longer. And when I finally turn the water off, wring out my hair, shake off my limbs, step out on the bath rug, wrap myself in my towel and make sure it's tucked in snug underneath my armpits, I'll take a deep breath and continue with the rest of my day that is so much nicer now that I've started it off right with a lengthy shower.

Posted by Sam at 06:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I hate instant messenger. Well, that would be a lie. For the most part, I adore it since I can easily talk to my sister when she gets online, and it's funny to message my flat-mates when I'm sitting upstairs and they're all downstairs.

But sometimes, occasionally, I hate it. Because I can see when certain people are online. I can see when you're online. And as much as I hate it, I'll stare at your name on my computer screen, and I'll have a conversation with you inside of my head, without you ever knowing or caring or noticing, that while you're sat there, on the other side of your computer screen, I'm having all of these thoughts.

Every now and then, when I'm being pathetic, I'll click on your name just to have the little window box pop up on my screen, with the blinking cursor bringing me closer and closer to the edge, nudging me to type something.

Go on, the cursor will say to me. You know you want to. And then just press 'enter.' It's easy. You've done it millions of times before this.

I know, but what to say! What would I say that's not stupid, or lame, or screams LOSER. How does one even begin a conversation when there are so many things unsaid and should probably remain that way. I can't just begin to talk about the weather, or uni, or ask if you're going to the bop casually. We're not those kind of people. We don't have that relationship anymore. I'm not sure we've ever had that kind of relationship. It's always been complicated hasn't it?

Although there were times, back in the day, when things weren't as complicated. Do you remember when we used to talk for hours? Hours and hours upon hours about everything. You sat on my bed that one night, when you saw the Tiffany's bracelet on my left wrist. You took it in between your fingers gently and told me that your mom loved Tiffany's. She loved all the finer things in life, as did you. You continued to talk about how much you loved your mom and how important she is to you. I remember that night so clear for some reason, and I don't know why that memory sticks out so vividly in my mind.

Now we've been reduced to this, to an empty message box with a mocking cursor, and me with all of these insane thoughts. Sometimes I'll imagine where you might be; probably in the library, procrastinating doing your coursework that's due in soon. Or maybe you're at her flat, in her room, on her laptop.

It only makes me think about the times when you would be in my flat, in my room, on my laptop.

I just wanted to say, though, that I don't think about you that much these days. Every so often you might cross my mind, and I'll remember certain things, and wonder and day dream for about ten minutes or so; but then I'll get distracted by something else and it'll pass. I'm not caught up in what you're doing, who you're with or what you think about. I don't imagine pretend scenarios that I come up with in my head anymore, nor do I care how you feel about me. I don't even care if you know how much you've affected me, even by half. I'm exhausted from our non-relationship, and find it utterly ridiculous now that we have all of this stupid nonsense between us. I suppose it's just one of those things now, isn't it? We're those people that seemed good together, but never managed to work it out.

Instead you've got her, and I have to say that I'm surprised you managed to keep it afloat this long, what, with everything that happened (you know, with me). You have her that took you back. You know her friends, her family, her areas, her life. And even though I may wonder why you ended up with her, why things seem to work with her and not me, why she's a better fit - I'm not jealous. I'm really not. I'm not sure why, but as much as I like to think that we worked, we didn't. I was never good for you, and you sure as hell were never good for me. I like to think of us like Stuart Dybek's characters - "we made not doing it a wonder, and yet we didn't, we didn't, we never did."

Posted by Sam at 02:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm sitting in the lounge by myself. It's quiet.

I'm reading Francine Prose and am absolutely amazed by a sentence that she has deconstructed by Virginia Woolf.

Considering how common illness is, how tremendous the spiritual change that it brings, how astonishing, when the lights of health go down, the undiscovered countries that are then disclosed, what wastes and deserts of the soul a slight attack of influenza brings to view, what precipices and lawns sprinkled with bright flowers a little rise of temperature reveals, what ancient and obdurate oaks are uprooted in us by the act of sickness, how we go down into the pit of death and feel the waters of annihilation close above our heads and wake thinking to find ourselves in the presence of the angels and the harpers when we have a tooth out and come to the surface in the dentist's arm-chair and confuse his "Rinse the mouth-rinse the mouth" with the greeting of the Deity stooping from the floor of Heaven to welcome us-when we think of this, as we are so frequently forced to think of it, it becomes strange indeed that illness has not taken its place with love and battle and jealousy among the prime themes of literature.

One sentence. That's 181 words in one. full. sentence.

Whilst reading this book (and a few others), my writing faith that I thought was lost, was found once again. It was restored and I was reminded why I love writing so much. It's not just because I love telling a story, but it is the actual words, the construction of writing that I love so much. I enjoy reading about words, why we use them, how we can use them, switch them about and make them sound more interesting or more appealing to the eyes.

It made me want to pick up a pen, or at least perch myself at my laptop for a few good hours and re-assemble everything I have ever written.

When I wrote the post below however many days ago, I was not a happy bunny. No. I was annoyed, pissed off and agitated beyond belief. Why was nothing going my way? Why does life suck? Why does my life suck in particular? Why is it that no matter what I do or try to do, I end up failing and things end up becoming even more shit? Blah, blah, blah. Moan, moan, moan.

And I had to blame it on someone. I had to blame the reason behind why everything I write (and perhaps everything I do) on someone or even something. So I blamed uni. Because isn't that the most logical answer?

Of course I wouldn't blame it on myself! Are you crazy? I am Sam, ladies and gentlemen. I am young, deep, depressed and hard to understand. I live my life the way I live my life, because I am just so up myself, and so complex, that nobody will ever understand me except me, therefore, my reasonings behind everything I do, will forever and always remain a mystery.

Only I'm not so fucking complex, and I'm sure as hell not a mystery. I am average. I'm normal. I'm every other 20-something university student that is trying to Figure It Out.

After Easter break, and I finally left the flat (which, to be honest, I think was a wonderful thing, and I should never be allowed to stay indoors for more than two days, regardless of my health), I got a bit more perspective and have accepted that yeah, while the majority of the things I write are shit, it's nobody's fault by my own. If I'm not going to my lectures, reading my books, keeping an open mind and listening to the constructive criticism, then of course I'm always going to sit in my shitty little flat, eating beans from cans and wondering why nobody understands the complexities of my labyrinth brain. I should stop being so fucking proud, accept my weaknesses and work on them.

So that's what I've been doing, and I've realized a lot over just a few short days. I'm hoping that one of these days, I'll be able to construct my own beautiful sentence like Virginia Woolf's that I quoted above, and will always remember the crush that I developed when I was in the second grade on words, sentences, paragraphs and stories as a whole.

Posted by Sam at 10:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

You remember when back in the day when I used to blog about how sad I was because I didn't live in London? And god, wasn't it just so tragic because I lived in Virginia, and life was just SO BORING. And I would whine, bitch, moan and complain for days, weeks, months even because I wasn't in the capital of England. My life sucked. It was horrible, and I was just the world's most boring person because I did admin work in northern VA. Remember that?

And remember how much you just wanted to punch me in the face because you were like, "COME ON SAM. Get the fuck over yourself already! There are way bigger problems in the world than you not living in one of the most expensive cities in the world, okay? SHUT UP."

Well, I'm sure I'm probably going to be even more annoying (as if that's possible, but I have found a way), and tell you...I'm not so sure this was the greatest life choice for me. I'm not having second thoughts, but...I kind of am having second thoughts. Only about certain things.

No, I don't regret any of it, but it's just making me think that things aren't going as I had originally thought. I was supposed to move over here, build my own little London Life, gain all of this amazing knowledge that was going to land me my dream job of doing some fantastic writing for a newspaper or magazine and have everyone love me, because gosh, being a tiny American girl in London is just so awesome. And they're so hard to come by these days. I am one in a million. ONE IN A MILLION.

Instead I took a slight detour and it feels like I've gotten lost. Now it seems like I have spent far too much time looking at the directions I was given and back tracking all over the goddamned place. I have seen that house one too many times, and I maybe I should pull over at a gas station and see if anyone knows where I should actually be going.

University is not at all what I expected. My lectures are shit, and I've only had maybe three that I've enjoyed and find interesting. Now that I type that though, I'd probably say two. There have only been two lectures. I struggle with my work, which is piss easy, and have lost all motivation whatsoever to do any of this. I came here to write, and now that the floor is wide open for me to do that, I can't be bothered. I wonder if it's one of those cases where once you get what you want, you're satisfied. You don't need anything else, and just want to go an tackle something else that's completely different.

But then I think about it a little more, and know that I still want to write. Even with everything that has happened since that fateful day when I landed in unknown territory almost two years ago, I still would like to write as a profession. Only now that I've gone to some of my lectures and have been taught all of these different things, different techniques, I've come to a standstill when it comes to my work. I'm constantly second guessing myself, doubting myself, and saying, "no, that's shit. Scrap it all and start again. Loser."

I'll admit, some of the things that they have told me have been semi-helpful, but everything else has just torn apart everything that I thought I knew and have replaced it with their ways, their words, their processes. And quite frankly, I hate it. They're shit. They piss me off. They make me angry and want to scream in their faces, "look at what you've done to me! I used to enjoy my writing, and was kind of decent. Now everything that I write it absolute garbage!" There's no panache. I'm no longer quippy. I have nothing interesting to say. Everybody is writing heartfelt, meaningful, touching, brilliant pieces, and everything that I touch or think is just a big pile of steaming dog shit.

I have lost the writing faith, so to speak.

I blame it on them. And on myself. And on my surroundings.

When I think back on where I used to write, and how I used to write, I was always alone. Completely alone. Sometimes I'd have music, and other times it'd be silent. I'd be at my desk, at work, or I'd think about things in my car whilst in traffic. That was my place. I would think of everything in my car, in traffic, smoking, with my music and alone. It worked. It felt right. I enjoyed it.

Now, now I don't have that option. Things changed. I don't have my car. I don't have the option to sit in traffic with my cigarettes and album of the week, to sort through my thoughts and come up with different things that I'd like to write. No. Instead I have this tiny ass flat with Trish, Carlene and Helen all inside it at the same time with me. Looking at me. Breathing in the same room. Sitting across from me. Interrupting me by knocking on the door, or asking me to listen to something that they've written, never mind that I'm writing my own shit.

I love my girls. Really, I do. They're my family, my sisters, my comrades. We laugh together, we drink together, we go out together, cry together, and do oh so many other things together. But writing. My writing. When I write. I have to do that alone. In my own space. In my own time. My own uninterrupted time.

And sometimes I'll go to my room, but they come in there too, just to say hi or to see if I'm still awake.

Yes, dear. I'm still awake. And I need you to leave now so I can keep the creative flow flowing.

I don't want to say to them, "can you all just leave me alone for about five hours please? Don't come in my room, don't knock on my door, don't send me IM messages, text messages or emails. Just pretend I'm not here. Or that I went on a cruise and am unable to reach." I don't want to say that, because I do like the fact that they just knock whenever and chill in my room with me from time to time. Sometimes I like the distraction. It's a welcome break, and reminds me that I'm not a hermit that lives inside a tiny cave. And also, saying that to them would be really harsh. I don't want them to think that I'm annoyed with them, because I'm not. I'm just annoyed with myself and that every single thing that I've ever written here has done absolutely nothing for me. If I don't feel it, then I won't write it. I'll stop, put it aside, and never think about it ever again.

I think I need a new location. I need a place that I can sneak away to and hide whenever I want to get in some serious writing time. A place where I can be alone, completely alone, that nobody knows about, and has the same vibe as when I was at work or in my car. I need to recreate that kind of atmosphere here. I would consider my room, but aside from everyone and their uncle knocking on my door, I don't like my room. I don't have a desk, therefore only leaving my bed as the only space to work, and after laying there for two hours, I just want to take a nap for five hours, which defeats the purpose of me getting in "some serious writing time."

I've thought about the library, but libraries scare me. I don't like being left there alone for too long, especially at nighttime. I think about old spirits that wander in between all of the bookcases (because every library is haunted), and get distracted about ghosts and other scary forces that I can't see. Cafés are annoying and cliché. Besides, I'd probably spend too much money buying tea after tea after tea, and muffin after muffin after brownie. I don't have anybody's house that I can go to that's nearby. There's nothing. I have nothing.

But...now that I think about it...there is Helen's room. I like Helen's room. And if my memory serves me correct, she doesn't really work at her desk that she has in her room. That perfectly good desk. I generally find her on her bed with her books all sprawled out and surrounding her in a little book fort. I could sit at her desk with my iPod playing sweet serenades in my ears while she quietly worked behind me. I would have the feeling of being alone, without actually being alone (no scary ghosts), and when I would get into my "writing zone" I could just politely ask everyone to not bother me unless something serious has happened; like a fire in the kitchen, or breaking news about Britney Spears.

Of course I'd have to ask Helen first and make sure it was okay that I would always be hanging out in her room clicking away furiously at my keyboard. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. I hope she doesn't mind. It's the first place that I've thought of that doesn't make me heave. And it's local (about five steps away from my bedroom).

I'll ask and see. All I know is that something drastic has got to change for me, and soon. I'm so tired of feeling like everything I write is shit, and wondering if I was just better off on the third and fifth floor doing everyone's bidding. This short story that I'm currently writing, is the first thing where we've had a little bit of creative freedom, and now I'm even having issues with that. I read every sentence and think about a different way I could construct it, or what can I change to make it sound more interesting? Can I cut something out? Is that really necessary to include? And look at me blogging again, using up all that time, and all of those words that could have been used in my story. There I go babbling, and rambling about some stupid scene that doesn't need to be included. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I hate you creative writing degree. Eat my shit and kiss my ass. I'll write my own goddamned shit, my own goddamned way, in my own goddamned time. And fuck you if you don't like it.

End of rant. Happy thoughts please.

Posted by Sam at 04:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)