"I know you're still there because you're scared that you'll lose everything"
A couple of days ago, I watched this video on Current about this "ghost granny" thing that was scaring locals in Sri Lanka. I have no idea why I watched it; I hate scary shit. I'm not one of those people that particularly enjoys being scared for fun. My heart can't take it. I'm a smoker.
I decided to watch it anyway, because while I may not like scary things, sometimes I do get intrigued by the whole "unknown paranormal" stuff. It's interesting and can make your brain wander about things that maybe we don't always see with the naked eye. I pressed play and watched it with Carlene and Trish next to me, all of us waiting for something weird to happen. The video was only two minutes and a few seconds long, and towards the end, we were surprised to see this scary old lady on the elevator camera after these two men stepped out. It scared me and Trish so much that we actually screamed out loud, and then scared Carlene because we screamed out loud.
Ever since then, I've been a stupid, little baby, and have been having trouble sleeping at night, and I never have trouble getting to sleep; it's one of my favorite things to do. I've turned into this weird nocturnal creature that occupies myself with anything until I'm so ridiculously tired, I don't have time to open and close my eyes twelve times to make sure nothing is hovering over me. And quite frankly, it's starting to piss me off.
Then, while I was laying in bed at five o'clock in the morning, catching up on blogs and occupying my mind once again, I read Chelsea's latest blog about clowns and fear. It wasn't exactly what I'm going through, but it was similar, and made me realize a few things, like how silly this whole ghost granny thing is. I'm probably just making it out to be a much bigger and scarier thing in my head. No, I am making it a much bigger and scarier thing, when it doesn't need to be. I've been living here how long, and I haven't had too many problems... that I know of. I'll be fine. My sleep schedule should get on as normal, I hope.
But it also got me thinking about a few other real fears that I have. Fears that can't simply magically disappear. Fears that I'll have to deal with one way or another, whether that's telling someone who can help me out, or finding something that will quickly make it all go away - like winning the lottery.
With all of this heavy and intense life shit going on around me, I've been trying so hard not to close up and head back to Denial Island. While it is a lovely place to stay at from time to time, I fear that I tend to get lost in all of denial haze, I lose track of what's important and what needs to get done. I'm scared that I won't get a job, that I'll have to tell Momma that I've royally fucked up again, and that it's going to take me an age to get all of my finances sorted out. I fear that I won't have my share to pay some of the bills, that people will hate me for owing them so much money for so long and hold it over my head. I'm scared that I'll start lashing out at people, which I tend to do whenever I get into these kind of situations. And I'm scared that I'll never sort myself out properly. What if I'm always that girl that has money problems? I don't want to be her. Nobody likes hanging out with her, because whenever she asks for a favor, people's first thought is that she needs money, when really she was just wondering if she could borrow your curling iron. It's not a good thing.
Aside from all of those fears, I've also got those horrible little niggles that many girls my age, who are single think about every so often (read: every second of every day). I'm scared of being alone.
There. I said it.
That horrible thing that I hate to think about, let alone actually say. What am I, sixty-seven?
No, I'm definitely not old. Not yet anyway. But I'm also not the most patient person on the planet. Anybody who has ever met me, even for one second, knows that. But it would be nice. To have someone. Who is a man. To be here. With me.
Of course then I always go back to the whole, "if you weren't having any of these problems right now, you wouldn't even be thinking about this." Which is true. I have always prided myself on being the girl that doesn't need a man. I only need a man for one thing, and I can get that whenever I want. It's easy. I'm easy. London is a big city, and there are a lot of potentials. And after the big Ash/Sam train wrecks, I've been keeping my distance (emotionally, that is) from other potentials. Yes, there was Swindon for a brief couple of weeks, but that quickly faded along with my hope (we never did go on that date either, the schmuck).
Perhaps I'm in a rut, who knows? Maybe I'll find out when I speak to Lena this coming Tuesday; we are talking about relationships (or so Fran said we might be when I saw her the last time). Maybe I'm just going through a dry spell, a phase, a bump in the road. Or maybe I'm just letting my fear completely consume me. The ghost granny has claimed my sleep, and all of my other bigger fears appear to be claiming my sanity. And I fear if I don't conquer these fears soon, I'll be watching a lot of sunrises from my bedroom window at half five in the morning.