My Mumbling Thoughts

Recently I've been thinking about my ex, Ash.

First of all, even to this day, it feels strange for me to say "my ex" in reference to Ash. And second of all, I know. I shouldn't be thinking about him, because I've always said that I don't have that right anymore. I lost all of my rights and priviledges as friend/girlfriend that night I left my own room at uni, and didn't return until I was sure that he was gone.

But nonetheless, I have been thinking about him. Not about getting back with him, because that just delves into a whole other part of my brain that I never want to get into; not only that, I don't think I would ever get back him, nor would he get back with me if that were to ever arise. We just have far too much history to even attempt taking a trip down that crazy, swirly road.

What I have been thinking about, however, is what would happen if we were to ever randomly bump into each other? There was that one close call when I was out in South Kent with Helen. One of my friends that I visit from time to time, Stacey, is not even a ten minute walk from Earl's Court tube station, which stands like a statue, reminding me so much of him every time I pass through it.

The history of our relationship runs so deep inside of me still to this day. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if that horrible night had never occurred and we were still together today? How would things be different for me? Would I know the people that he works with? Would he ever manage to get on with my friends? Or would I just remain the mysterious American girl that disappears off into Central every weekend and not really know any of my friends that I have now?

Ash was the only real long term relationship that I've ever had. He knew me inside and out, through and through; and while it was scary to have someone know me so well that it was chilling, I loved knowing that we had hundreds of inside jokes; he would buy my things just because he knew I'd like it, recommend different music artists or bands, and would write to me in a way that sent shivers up and down my entire body. I always felt like we were a perfect fit, and while life wasn't always peachy or easy, somehow we would make it on the other side with a better understanding of each other.

Since then I've only had the severe emotional train wreck that was boy Sam (thank god I moved past all that), and have fluttered between different men with the occasional woman thrown in there for experimental purposes. I've had crushes (or at least thought they were crushes) on a few guys, and had a mountain of one night stands that kept me mildly entertained for, well, that one night.

I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but it feels like I'm having an internal tug-of-war game with myself. I get pulled from "wanting to be in a relationship" with someone, and "wanting to continue being free as a bird who isn't tied down to any man." I can't seem to make up my mind and become increasingly frustrated with myself. Being single isn't so awful; I get to go out when I want, with whomever I want, to do whatever I want, and I don't have to worry about the jealous boyfriend giving me grief when I come walking back barefoot because my feet hurt from my fantastic high heels. But on those days when I get home late from work and my lower back aches from sitting in the shittiest computer chair ever designed, it would be nice to have a boyfriend there to pull me into bed, give me a back rub and kiss my forehead to make me feel better.

It would seem that I would want the best of both worlds -- I'd want the guy there, but also have my own liberties to do what I want, with limitations of course. It's just a matter of balancing everything out, compromise and the trickiest of all tricky things, trust. While I have always had issues trusting men in general (i.e. money, cleaning, matters of the heart), I'm not entirely sure I trust myself. Since I have so little experience in the relationship department, would I even be capable of having a successful and flourishing relationship? Or would I just keep him around until I got bored and wanted to be single again? I know what I'm like - fickle. I'm extremely fickle and I get bored easily with being in a relationship. I would need someone that could keep me entertained and hold my attention for longer than a week. And in return? Well, I'm sure I can think of some ways to thank them, that would mostly likely take place under the covers.

I just keep telling myself that it'll happen when it happens. Patience is a virtue, yes? And one day, some day, hopefully, I'll meet someone who compliments me as much as I compliment them. We'll share the same taste in music, be extreme Mac addicts, love to lounge around in our pajamas in the middle of the day and read books in bed, and hate public displays of affection, but sneak in the occasional sly kiss here and there when we think nobody is looking. I have him, right here in my mind. I can see him. I know his face, see his style and when I'm out and about in town, I might find a tie that would look good on him and buy it just because I could. I just wish that somewhere, someone, hopefully, has me already in their mind as well.