My Mumbling Thoughts

There are three things in life that Momma always told me to never discuss with anyone: politics, religion and money. Those three things always get people in trouble and cause grief between even the best of friends. Folks just feel really strongly about all three of the things mentioned above, and no matter what you try to do, they will more than likely always stick to what they believe.

I'm pretty good at not talking about politics or religion, mostly because I don't really know shit about them, and don't really have an opinion on the matters. You believe in what you believe, and who am I to say otherwise? Just don't push any of your bullshit thoughts on me and we'll be gravy.

Money is a completely different issue to try and avoid, though, when you move into a flat with people you've never lived with before. Hell, when you move out on your own for the very first time. It always sits at the forefront of any young person's mind (or anyone's mind in general really), and the problem is never really "dealt" with. You're either dirt poor (been there, done that, have a collection of free t-shirts), or you're making an income and are still trying to stretch your paycheck to the max (how I currently live). Granted, I'd much rather have a paycheck to stress over than no paycheck at all, but when folks learn that you're now making an income, sometimes you get surprising knocks at your door.

I've always lived by the rule that I'll never post anything up on my blog that I couldn't say to your face. And if I do write about you (whether because I have a problem or not), I usually try to write it in a not-so-obvious way that points out I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH YOU, because gah, that just seems so lame to me. But I've also learned that when you live with certain people, you can't always be upfront and frank with them, because they always take things the wrong way and are so sure that you're having a personal attack towards them. And because everyone in our flat this year has been skating on thin ice and each of us are constantly tip-toeing around eggshells, I didn't really want to be the one labelled SHIT STARTER over one of my particular flat mates -- Carlene.

It's no secret that I've had money problems this year. It's no secret that I just have money problems in life. I always have money problems, and even though I've tried different ways to deal with them, the problems with myself and my bank are constant and I'm afraid ever lasting.

I never asked Carlene for money. I never ask anyone for money, except Mel and on the very rare occasion, Momma. I hate asking for money from anyone at any time, because I'm always so embarrassed and ashamed that I'd even have to do such a thing.

But I'm not one to turn down an offer either; which is exactly what Carlene did. She offered me money. And I refused. And she offered again. And then I accepted her very gracious offer.

While I was unemployed, she knew that I couldn't pay her back, but now that I have a job, she keeps pestering me to pay her back immediately, right now, PUT THE CASH HERE IN MY HANDS. And I'm all "whoa, calm your horses, missy. I've got other shit to take care of first, like, oh, I don't know, RENT." And she's all, BUT I NEED THE MONEY RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I'M POOR BUT AM STILL SOMEHOW MAGICALLY ABLE TO GO TO PRIMARK AND BUY FOUR MORE PURSES THAT I DON'T NEED, PLUS JEWLERY, AND GOING OUT TO GET DRUNK. So because I'm a bitch, I'm all "I'll pay you next week." And when next week rolls around? I say it again. "I'll pay you next week." And that just continues until she's blue in the face and steam starts bursting out of her ears and her head spins round and round on her shoulders.

Honestly, it's driving me insane. I understand that I owe her money. I've understood this for many, many months. I also know that I owe Helen and Zoe money as well (god, I'm such a ponce), but not once have either of them bugged me to PAY THEM RIGHT THEN AND THERE. Because Carlene has been on my back every fucking week, I'm just going to keep delaying it until I can't handle it anymore and throw the money in her screaming face. I already decided a long time ago that I'd pay Helen and Zoe back (with a bit extra, because I always add interest, even though they hate it when I do that) and will leave Carlene to the very end, simply because I can and she irritates the shit out of me.

I've always told my friends that I will do anything that I can for them if I'm able. If I have the money (which is rare, but now that's no longer the case), then I will be more than happy to loan them any cash and they can pay me when they are able to. I will not hound them, I will not pester them, I will not constantly remind them every other fucking day how much money they owe me right down to the last penny, nor will I remind them how long this debt has gone unpaid. And why will I not do that?

BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS.

We're all students. We're all very much aware of how expensive it is to live in London. We are all irressponsible with our money from time to time. And we should all understand that things are tough, especially when you are international and don't get those handy dandy overdraft accounts; they simply don't exist for us. And not all of us are getting any kind of allowance from our parents.

It's just me, with the occasional helping hand of my little sister just so I can buy food, and leaves me feeling like a right shit every time I have to send her those emails with the subject, "Favor Please." It's humiliating and leaves me feeling like a puppy crawling up to it's angry owner with his tail in between his legs. It never leaves me feeling excited and happy, because yippee! I can buy groceries now! No. I have to make that stretch out as far as it'll go and it's extremely stressful to do that for months. Months.

This job was my savior. I'm making good money for a student on their summer holiday, and I'm able to have so much more freedom. I have regained my independence, and It feels like I'm taking care of myself again. To be able to catch up on rent and pay people money I owe them is going to be the day when I shout yippee! because HOLY SHIT, I don't owe people money anymore.

So for Carlene to be that annoying monkey on my back with her claws sinking deeper into my neck, knowing full and well how much I've struggled this past year, knowing how depressed it made me, knowing how bad I feel about it already, and yet still continuing to scratch and pull at me about it, really chaps my ass and pisses me off. Because I know if the roles were reversed and she were in my shoes, I wouldn't for one second be doing this to her.

There are so many things about Carlene that I learned this year about her that I don't like, this being one of the main reasons as to why I no longer consider her a friend. I originally thought that she was a good person with the best intentions, but after living with her I realized that she's a malicious, manipulative, two-faced liar, and there's no way I want to be associated with her at all next year. So I'll happily pay her the money that I owe her, and after that I no longer want anything to do with her. I've thought about sitting her down, having a chat and trying to work through it with her, but it got to the point where I didn't even want to do that anymore. She showed her true colors. And me? I've learned a very valuable lesson about money and managing my finances.