My Mumbling Thoughts

Contrary to popular belief, I am a very shy person. At least when it comes to some things. I generally don't like to put all of my emotions out on display, because gosh, isn't that just so awkward? I'd much rather hide how I'm really feeling underneath witty banter and sarcasm. It's how I trick myself into believing that I'm the one in control and the other person is merely along for the conversational ride (and lucky them, because I am a damn fine conversationalist).

But when I get down to the bare minimum and strip away all of my defense mechanisms in order to deal with society, I am shy. I am so easily embarrassed, not just for myself, but other people. I am a human mood ring and based on the shade of red I turn, people can tell exactly how I feel. It sucks that I'm unable to conceal my random hot flashes underneath my cheeks.

Throw in me having a crush on somebody, and that redness is intensified by infinity; it looks like I have lava running down my face.

It's rare that I find myself having a proper crush on somebody. I think loads of people are fit, hot, gorgeous and yeah, I'd totally go there, but a crush? A real life crush that makes my stomach flip and instantly turn my face a deep shade of crimson the second that person enters a room? Those are few and far between for me.

Swindon would be my last crush which faded with time. After a while, I didn't think of him the same way. We had a couple of conversations and I quickly learned some things really are better left unknown. The illusion was shattered the minute he opened his mouth, and intellectually we weren't on the same level; he liked to tell me how much cider cost back in his hometown (£2.50) and how it was made...I stood there and nodded, pretending to be interested. We didn't fit. We didn't work. We were complete opposites that did not attract.

Now I've developed a new crush, with "develop" being the operative word.

When I first started working here at my new job that requires no brain activity whatsoever, I quickly scanned the room and played the "yes/no" with myself, which is a game I've been playing alone, in my head, every time I step out my front door. It's a simple game wherein you simply say yes or no to sleeping with someone based purely on their physical look. Is it shallow? Yes. Is it fun? Oh hell yeah.

I decided on 'no' to every single person. Based purely on looks, I would not fuck any of them.

But there was one guy, one in particular that didn't catch my eye, but would fall into the 'maybe' category, that is if that category existed. He appeared to be a little older than me, he wore glasses, had ruffled brown hair and standard clothes that so many men wear to the office -- appropriate, but not enough to actually put any thought into what their wearing. And he was Australian.

Now I've been working here for two weeks, and I refer to him only as Aussie boy. I know his name, but because I've never properly introduced myself to him, it feels weird saying it out loud, almost as if I don't even have permission to say it. He sits across from me, and all day I'll listen to him on the telephone, or talking to his fellow co-workers, and think, their accents aren't that annoying. I actually kind of like his.

But isn't that the way it all starts?

I was talking to Helen about him my first week of work, and told her how I wasn't immediately attracted to him, but over the past few days he has kind of grown on me. I actually would go there, you know, if I had the chance.

"That's how all work relationships start out," she said to me. "Those are the people that you're always around, and eventually over time you end up falling for one of them just because they're there."

She did have a point. Perhaps it wasn't a crush at all, but just me being sad and desperate? What if this wasn't me craving the relationship I don't have, but rather a rude awakening from my body screaming at me YOU NEED TO GET LAID.

Yes, I do need to get laid. I'm sure having sex would ease this feeling about relationships I've been having for the past few months. But it would just be temporary fix until I started getting the same feeling again.

So maybe it wouldn't be so terrible if I was in a relationship. Maybe it is a crush that I have on Aussie boy. Maybe, if I actually got the chance to know him, I'd really like him. Maybe he'd like me. Maybe we could have something.

Maybe.

Since last week, I've been thinking about this whole thing far too much; thinking of different scenarios where we could talk to each other, strike up a conversation, and then I would be so cool, and so casual when I asked him to come out for drinks some time. We'd go to a nice bar, I'd wear a cute little dress and those shoes that make my legs looks so much longer than they actually are, and we would work, we would fit, we would match each other so well.

The only thing I've managed to ask him so far is if he could change the giant water bottle on top of the water tank thing so I could refill my water bottle. Sad and pathetic? Um, I think so, yeah.

I'm not good at this stuff! At least not when I'm sober and in an office environment. I don't know how to talk to people after I've come to the conclusion that I have a crush on them. I get all elementary school girl with pigtails who runs away from the boy that's chasing her on the playground. Then I fall down, pretend that I'm hurt and blame it on them that I'm going to get scabs on my knees.

It's awkward all around. We don't really have any reason to speak to each other, aside from pleasant casualties and small talk, and even though I was going to be lame and pull the whole "do you go to my uni, because you look really familiar" line, I decided against it, because if I can't manage to strike up a conversation with him, what makes me think that I'll ever learn how to talk to a boy properly? On my own. Without help from lame, shitty lines.

Instead I just stare at him and then quickly avoid eye contact whenever he looks up. I'm thinking if I can't muster up enough confidence by the end of these six weeks, I'll just suck it up, and write him a little note with my phone number on it....then leave it on his desk when he's not there.