My Mumbling Thoughts

Helen is back from Poland with her pretty, pretty vodka, I've started back at work this week, and life once again feels like it's moving at a normal pace. Sadly, because I'm lazy and took a week and a half of time off work, I'm not able to keep up with the whole "moving" and "living" parts that get in the way of my "sitting" time (or more importantly, my "napping" time).

Ah yes, work. I was slightly nervous about going back and showing my disgraceful mug round the office after my poor attempt of dropping off a simple note. Like, what was that about really? I received a text message from Helima when I was on the bus that simply said, "ARE YOU READY?"

Um, not so much, I thought to myself, sitting there and imagining what it would be like for me to walk through those doors again that I so happily let close behind me the week before.

It turns out we aren't working for the same office, but rather in a different building with a whole slew of new people to look at and play the yes/no game with (all of them, once again, are 'no', aside from this one potential guy who smells strongly of alcohol every morning, in case you were wondering). The good news is that this job requires slightly more brain power than what I was working on before. The bad news is that my computer is facing everyone and their grandmother, therefore leaving me absolutely no time whatsoever to piss about on the internet on the company's dime. Do you think that's why more offices are incorporating the "farm" or "pod" layout these days? So people have less privacy, therefore making them much more paranoid about who's peering over their shoulders?

On top of that, I've been feeling slightly under the weather. My health is so poor it's appalling; so I bought some vegetables and will be preparing a colorful and delicious salad (The Helen Salad) later on this evening. I left work early today (I know, on my second day back) so I could come home, change into my pajamas, and sit on the settees like I've been doing for the past week and a half!

It was better this time round, though, because Helen and Jon were here to keep me company, and I laughed because they were making jokes, rather than me just laughing out loud to myself because I'm crazy.

I'm glad there are people around once again, though, because this past weekend was pretty heavy for me. I guess those last two days were just the breaking point, and I couldn't handle my own company any longer. It was so quiet in the flat, leaving me with my thoughts, my crazy and insane thoughts. I couldn't bake anymore cookies, I couldn't listen to anymore music, I couldn't watch anymore TV on dvd, I couldn't read anymore books, I couldn't clean anything else in the flat, because I had already done it THREE HUNDRED TIMES.

So I sat in bed, and blankly stared outside my window where I watched the weather switch from rainy and windy, back to sunny and breezy every fifteen minutes. I would get up to open my window, only to have to get up again to shut it when the rain would start spraying everywhere.

And my thoughts, while I was stuck in that circle routine for nearly two hours, consumed me. They engulfed me. They swirled around and swallowed me whole. And finally I thought, "if I don't do something about this soon, I'm going to kill myself."

So I emailed Ash.

Obviously.

And then I cried.

Obviously.

And then I sang and danced to Rilo Kiley.

And then nothing.