My Mumbling Thoughts

It is this time of year that is my favorite. What is it about putting multiple layers on to keep oneself warm from the outside, putting flannel sheets on one's bed and drinking multiple mugs of hot cocoa that isn't attractive? 'Tis the season to be merry? More like 'tis the season to snuggle under the covers! I'm not one for romance (all of that emotional chow chow makes me want to be sick), but there is something ridiculously magical about this time of year walking around hand-in-hand with someone, but with gloves on.

I don't have "someone". It has been a while since little Sammi Jo has had "someone" to call her own. Or to just call. All of my "someone's" I kick out of bed the next morning and hope to never see or hear from them again. My god! And the characters I have gotten with! Trish in particular loves to tell the babies of my past one-night stands. Her favorites are usually "ass man," "air con guy," or "Trilby boi". They are quite the crowd pleasers. And I usually lay on the settee with my face covered to hide the fact that my entire head has caught on fire from sheer embarrassment.

Ever since Ash, and the train wreck that was boy Sam, I've kept myself far away from any guy that may have "potential". What is that anyway? Boys are stupid. I live by that motto. Just stay emotionally detached and you never have to worry about getting hurt, about crying over some stupid man that wasn't worth your time anyway. Just use them for one thing (like they use us for; not that it should be "us" or "them"), quickly dispose of them, and voila! You get what you want, they get what they want and we both walk away with relatively clean hands (haha gross). It's a nice set up.

But then the chilly wind begins to blow, the leaves float down the ground and crunch underneath my shoes, and for two seconds I'll get this pang in my chest and part of the words begin to form in my brain...

Hmm....it sure would be nice if...

No! Stop that right there! You don't wish that! You never have. You remember where that leads you? Down to the trail of tears motherfucker. And you don't want to be that sad, sappy bitch ever again.

I haven't been actively "looking" but I haven't been actively not looking either. I kind of just roll with the punches these days. I know all of that relationship nonsense will all grab a hold of me when I'm not looking. That's how it always happens. I'm of the mind now that I'll have to be tricked into a relationship because I'm so terrified of being locked down. It will be when I least expect it. It will be when I least want one. And hopefully I won't be a coward that runs for the hills. I mean, I have some serious emotional/relationship issues these days that I should probably work through with a counselor. I'm constantly going back 'n' forth between "wanting to be in a relationship" and "wouldn't touch one with a ten foot pole". I need to stop bouncing all over the place and just pick something dammit. But I'm a fickle gal. What can I say?

One guy that had "potential" that I briefly mentioned on here, Ed, is no more. He was a hopeful, then not hopeful, then hopeful again (!), and then flopped without any chance of getting back up. It was a pretty sad attempt, now that I think about it, but ah well. Shit happens.

I'm going to take this magical time of the year, and enjoy it with my babies, my best friends and not get caught up in the fuzzy love atmosphere that gets generated by all of the couples rubbing up on each other. We have so many laughs together and to be honest, I'd much rather share it with the dozen or so people that I love, rather than to give all of my time and attention to only one.

Posted by Sam at 11:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

The trees have changed color as they do at this time of year. Standard. The leaves all look like dry, crumpled claws scattered all over the ground and scrape along the sidewalks. I love it. It's getting to the point now where the wind bites my face and I have to put extra moisturizer on after I've washed my face because of the dry skin. Welcome to autumn in London.

It's true that every time the seasons change I get all nostalgic for home. I suppose it also could be because I didn't go home over the summer, and now there is the potential that I won't be going for Christmas either. Again, it's not because Momma and I have had some terrible fall out, but rather that money is tight, the economy isn't in the greatest conditions and because I was unable to get my loan, the money is coming straight out of our family's pocket rather from my checks.

I guess it could be a good thing to spend my last Christmas in London for a while. After this year, who knows when I'll be back. Obviously I will come back. I have friends here that I'll want to see and visit. But I mean to live. I might not live here for a while after my third year of uni.

So far things with me have been okay. I've been going to my lectures (I really don't have an excuse not to go considering I only have two each week AND I'm only a five minute walk away), and Trish and I have gotten our jobs working together as estate agent assistants. Money has been non-existent, but I'm not as stressed out about it, because Momma and I actually have more communication about my lack of funds and she has been helping me out big time. It'll be a lot better once I start earning an income and can properly support myself throughout my final year. The babies are all doing so well too, and our wee flat is my new home away from home. There haven't been any major dilemmas that couldn't be easily mended, and we're each just going out, doing our thing and having a good time.

Life has not been dramatic. It has not been stressful. It has been coasting almost, and it's kind of freaking me out.

I think I've mistaken my no-stress as "boring". Is my life boring now? Is it because I'm not so completely caught up in third year drama that I've become "blah"? Or is this how other "normal" people live without stress and constantly worrying about everything around them? What is going on? I'm not used to this! True, I stay in more, but that's because I'm saving money and it's getting increasingly colder, but it's not like I'm a hermit. I've gone out a few times in the past week and I've just had a generally good time. No one has cried. Nobody has had their feelings hurt. Things are just....fine.

I shouldn't complain though, and take this time to do things I need to do. I still haven't been reading or writing enough. I'm just not feeling it like I did in the old flat when we lived on the estate. And with this new job that Trish and I will be starting on Monday, my free time is going to be cut in half. I will be one busy motherfucker, and am going to enjoy my last week of time off.

Things aren't fantastic, but they aren't a pile of shit either. It's a weird feeling to have for me since I'm always used to one extreme or another. I guess I'll just see how long it lasts and see where all of these new developments take me.

Posted by Sam at 08:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I never really spoke to him, nor did I really know him personally myself, but I cried for him. I cried with his friends. I felt for his friends and his family.

My god, his friends.

It was quite possibly one of the weirdest days I've ever had. It began on a super high note with Trish and me getting a joint job interview together for later on in the week, and ended on one of the lowest lows I've felt in a long time. One of our fellow classmates, Jason Dixon, died for no reason other than it was just a random blood clot that ended up taking his life.

Immediate. Sudden. Gone.

I hadn't showered yet, even though it was two o'clock in the afternoon. When you're unemployed and only have two lectures a week, you don't really have the motivation to get dressed and make an effort. I was confused when I opened our main door to find Vicki standing on the other side, because she never comes to visit me even though we're relatively good social friends.

"I don't want to scare you or anything, but all third years have been called to the chapel. We all have to be there by half two. Dan's crying. I don't really know what's going on."

The chapel? Fuck. What could be wrong? Who died? Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Trish and I rushed to my room and I quickly changed into jeans and my uni pullover, and brushed my teeth. We thought of the worse case scenarios and even though I'm not a religious person, I was hoping and praying beyond anything that it wasn't anyone that I knew. Please don't let it be someone that I know.

We thought it was Dave, so Trish gave him a ring but he didn't answer.

Fuck. Please don't let it be Dave. My god, please don't let it be Dave.

He rang back shortly after and was crying. He told Trish just to go to the chapel.

Right before we left, one of our security guards came around knocking and told us all to head over to the chapel as well. All of our university needed to go, not just third years. So we rounded up the babies and began the short walk with everyone else.

As we walked up I saw Rowan and Jimmy standing outside together just watching everyone as they walked in. They weren't speaking. They barely gave eye contact.

We all walked in cautiously, unsure of what was happening. I heard the crying, then saw the crying and quickly scanned the whole room. There were his friends off to the left side uncontrollably wailing and crying in a heap on the floor: Claire, Holly, Jack, Hannah, Emma, Dan and all the rest of his friends in their group.

Trish and I saw Ryan sitting in a chair next to two girls who were quiet and staring down at the floor. Ryan was quiet as well and told Trish that it was Jason Dixon.

Wham! There it was, his face brought to the forefront of my mind. I knew him, but not well enough to cry. I spoke to him, but not often enough to remember distinctly. And now he was dead? What the fuck?

We gave Ryan a hug and moved over to where the babies where sitting. Our main principle was speaking for a little bit about the counseling service in case we needed help to cope with anything, and he said some other things that didn't quite register because I was still in shock trying to wrap my brain around what was going on.

I was in a chapel? Because someone that I know has died? What? How? When? Why? Fucking hell.

But then a face I know a little bit better stood up in front of everyone in the chapel as people kept filing in and Ali told us exactly what happened the night that Jason passed away. She stood with Jimmy and you could tell that she had been crying, because her cheeks were flushed and her voice cracked when she spoke. But my god was she strong and so brave to speak to us all, to tell us about how Jason had been on crutches for the past couple of weeks because of his dislocated knee, about how he cried out in pain when he left their house to walk back home, about how Jimmy rode with him in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and how he died sometime around five o'clock in the morning.

And as she spoke I began to cry, because hearing it come from Ali, hearing her words made it real and I could see it all happening, feel it all just as if I were one of them. She was one of his best friends. She was one of "the groups" at our university. We all knew them and they all knew us. We are always out together and our groups make that small talk that you do when you're out being social. And I cried for them, because I thought, "what if it was one of us in my group."

The rest of the day was hazy and I just remember briefly speaking to Carlene and putting our differences aside, because fuck, one of our classmates has just died. I sat and ate chicken fajitas with Livvi and Katie. I went to the bar briefly with Jon and listened to Bloc Party, because it was Jason's favorite band. And finally, sometime around three in the morning, I laid in my bed, thought about Jason living upstairs in the room above me, and thought about his freshers. I thought about his family. And again, about his friends.

The thing about our university being so small is that we know everyone, whether you want to or not. In some sick, incestuous way, we are all related to one another, and we are all one big Digby family. For three years, these people are your brothers, your sisters, your cousins, your blood. They are apart of your world, and when you lose someone, everyone feels it because we're all connected.

The atmosphere has been eerie and strange. The mood is heavy and there feels like there's a cloud over our uni. People can feel that something isn't right, and there's nothing we can do but let time mend this period of sadness. It's a serious fucking wake up call as well, and now I know why people want to be surrounded by their loved ones these kind of circumstances. When I found out, when I saw his friends, there was nothing more I wanted in the world than to be surrounded with our group.

***

Since people have found out, people have been writing on his facebook wall, and this was written by one of his best friend's, Hannah, that is taking it really hard. It makes me feel so many things I've never felt before and I empathize so much for them.

Jay,
Im not going to come to the Bop tonight
You know I was there last night and I danced with you and had a couple of drinks
But Jason darling, I just don't think I can come tonight
I am finding things quite hard my sweetheart, everyone is
I think I need to spend a little bit of time away from uni and the people here
Its not that I dont love them or you, god knows I love you all SO much
Its just that I need to be alone a bit, do you understand Jay?
Im only going half hour away, I will still be in London so if you need anything just call ok
The person I am going to see is helping me Jay, I told you about them yesterday and you were cool with it, they make me smile if only for a bit my sweet
So I wont see you at the Bop but I coming to see you in an hour or so
Ill come up to your room and then Ill go the chapel, not for long but we can have a chat for a bit
Celia is dancing like a loon Jay, you loved our moves!
I love you babe, see you in a bit,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted by Sam at 01:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

The thing about babies is that they grow up and no longer need you for those easy beginner steps that you're more than happy to show them over and over until your eyes begin to bleed. The thing about babies that aren't babies in the first place, but full grown adults who are only in their first year of university but you like to call them your babies anyway, is that they quickly gain their feet on the university grounds and piss off to leave you the lone parent in the flat wondering "hmm....now what?"

Yes, my babies. My wee freshers. My darling angels that needed me for so much in the first few weeks of university are now able to work things out for themselves, on their own, without me.

"It's okay, Sam. I know where the building is."

"Really? Are you sure? Do you want me to walk there with you? DON'T FORGET YOUR HAT! IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!"

I don't think I could have been put with a better group of girls. Yeah, there are growing pains, but that's how it is when you're learning about different people and wading through all of the Life Shit to get past to the other side where all of the goodness and fun is. My babies dance, cuddle, hug, laugh, cook, work, sing, shop and spend time together. We are literally one big happy family and I can easily walk into the kitchen and want to spring up off my feet into the air and give whoever is in there a big morning hug and squeal "I MISSED YOU WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!" We have even adopted a few freshers to call our own (I *heart* you Gerry), and Trish is always round ours hanging out and gathering the babies round in a big circle for Story Time.

It has been a fantastically wonderful time.

But.

Oh yeah. The BUT.

Just because things are so amazing doesn't mean that my problems have magically disappeared. I'm still in need of a job. I'm still at university and need to be making a sufficient amount of time to actually WORK and WRITE and READ for my course. These things haven't just kindly walked away because I'm having so much fun with all of these new people.

After the party from Hell and I gained some serious perspective and worked out my priorities, I've been doing better with keeping myself at home. It's a bit boring, but I let the babies go out and have their fun, and while I have that alone time, I read, or I work on finding myself a job. Occasionally I'll chill out with Trish and we'll eat chocolate while laughing at funny Dane Cook skits, but I do get things done. If I'm gonna be the Momma of the flat, then I need to sacrifice some fun things just like my Momma did while we were growing up. It's not MY first year, but THEIR first year. They should be the ones going out and getting wrecked, and I should be in waiting for them with a hair tie and a tall glass of water.

Of course that doesn't mean that they want me to stay inside on my lonesome all the time. They do invite me out and I have to kindly decline saying no to their offers to buying me one drink. Babies should not have to be buying Momma drinks. They have been amazing though, and know of my "situation". Livvi in particularly has been a nice listening ear and Gerry is so ridiculously connected with people in London.

"I know people, Sam. Trust me, we'll find you a job."

I don't know what that's supposed to mean exactly, but I'll just take his word for it.

It has been good so far for me though. I try to keep things quiet about how stressed out I am about some things, but they can pick up on my Different Mood Vibes already. Livvi already knows and will give me these looks like YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, SAM. I CAN TELL YOU'RE DEEP IN THOUGHT. Yes, you caught me Livvi. And while I'm sitting alone in my room applying for jobs online, Livvi, Katie and Fee will come into my room with a cup of tea and give me cuddles because they could tell that I wasn't feeling like my usual self.

Posted by Sam at 11:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Assignment for my lecture Writing for the Internet, which is a load of wank. Maximum words? 300.

I suppose the real question would be what hasn't my mother told me? She is the one person who has taught me everything that I know, and everything that I thought I learned by myself, I know she has taught me first and I just pretend that I learned it all on my lonesome. She was the one who told me that if you wash your dishes up as you cook, then it won't seem like so much to do when it's time to clean the kitchen. I'm not sure why that piece of advice sticks out the most in my mind.

Never trust a man with your heart, always have hospital corners when you make your bed and the three things to never talk about with other people are politics, religion and money; people are too set in their ways to change their minds about any of it. Don't be ashamed to use coupons ("if it's free, then it's for me!"), depend on nobody in life but yourself and always make sure you have at least $20 on you at all times because you never know when you'll need cash.

These snippets of advice from her life lessons that she has learned over the years stick with me. There’s nothing that I don’t know to this day that she hasn’t already said to me at least once, no matter how big or small. The only thing that mother has never told me is how to live without her, and that’s one thing I hope to never learn.

Posted by Sam at 01:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I gotta get back into it. This. My writing. Get back into my old groove. Not back into my old ways and habits.

Almost four weeks into my third year and I'm finding the changes and the different dynamics very strange. Things aren't the same for me. Just because I walk the campus where things used to happen, doesn't mean that everything is the same. Time doesn't stand still. It moves forward and with it, things change.

We all know I don't handle change very well, although considering my Change Disability, I think I've been coping alright for the most part. I think that part of the reason why I've been able to deal with it, though, is because I've been occupying my time with distractions. I've been recognizing some things as well, and have noticed that I easily slip into old habits, and I refuse to let it grab hold of me again.

So I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop forcing things and just be myself, with myself and chill out. I don't have to be the It Girl all the time, but I also don't have to be some used up wannabe that lives in the past all the time.

Last night I went to a party and got absolutely wrecked, just like the "good 'ole days". I dropped some MDMA, did a line of coke, smoked some weed and drank anything within my reach. But I didn't have a good time. I woke up at 3:15 in the afternoon and had a slight memory of a weird dream that I couldn't quite remember in my drug infused state. I remember everything for the most part, and found the entire experience to be really off and left me on edge. I was really stressed out for some reason as well, and didn't have the comfort of my close friends nearby for support. I was literally just out at a house party where I knew people, but they had no idea who I was.

It was as if I was re-tracing my steps from first year and having to get to know people from scratch and I hated it. Why wasn't I just with people that I knew like the last two years? Why wasn't I just chilling out and having a good time? I was sitting around people that had already defined their university groups, and I was left alone because my uni group has fallen apart.

Helen is in Paris, Zoe's in Peru, Alex is busy with a million different things, and I don't speak to Carlene, Santo or Fiona anymore. Our group used to be THE group, and now it feels like I'm alone. Thank god Trish is still here with me, or I might not be able to handle anything.

My freshers are amazing, bless them, but they're not my best friends. They don't know the history behind things, and we haven't gotten to that level yet where we're comfortable just saying whatever we want to each other. We're still going through the growing pains and learning things about each other so we know where to draw the lines and not step over certain boundaries. And they're still getting into the uni groove, learning things about being away from home and trying to handle their first year. I want to be there for them and shield them from all of the dangerous things within the uni walls, but I can't teach them everything in one go. I have to learn to let them go out, fall down and get back up by themselves. Trish has told me many times already that if they don't experience everything for themselves, they'll never learn. I know that. I just sometimes wish it didn't have to be like that.

After my ridiculous bender last night, I've decided to take a major step back and chill the fuck at home. I've got a catering job where I'll be busy waitressing big events in Central which will be good for me and keep me out of trouble. I know now that the uni scene, is no longer my scene. My third year will not be about repeating past mistakes, but about new starts. It's still early enough in the year for me to calm down and get a new crowd that doesn't involve me being off my face to have a good time. And I'll be here for my babies when they need me, but I won't be there getting wrecked with them. I can't do it. I'm getting too old for that game.

I think it's just going to be me and Trish this year, which is perfectly fine with me. I love that bitch more than anything, and together, we will rock our third year like it's 1999.

Posted by Sam at 09:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)