"I walk the line between now and then"
I gotta get back into it. This. My writing. Get back into my old groove. Not back into my old ways and habits.
Almost four weeks into my third year and I'm finding the changes and the different dynamics very strange. Things aren't the same for me. Just because I walk the campus where things used to happen, doesn't mean that everything is the same. Time doesn't stand still. It moves forward and with it, things change.
We all know I don't handle change very well, although considering my Change Disability, I think I've been coping alright for the most part. I think that part of the reason why I've been able to deal with it, though, is because I've been occupying my time with distractions. I've been recognizing some things as well, and have noticed that I easily slip into old habits, and I refuse to let it grab hold of me again.
So I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop forcing things and just be myself, with myself and chill out. I don't have to be the It Girl all the time, but I also don't have to be some used up wannabe that lives in the past all the time.
Last night I went to a party and got absolutely wrecked, just like the "good 'ole days". I dropped some MDMA, did a line of coke, smoked some weed and drank anything within my reach. But I didn't have a good time. I woke up at 3:15 in the afternoon and had a slight memory of a weird dream that I couldn't quite remember in my drug infused state. I remember everything for the most part, and found the entire experience to be really off and left me on edge. I was really stressed out for some reason as well, and didn't have the comfort of my close friends nearby for support. I was literally just out at a house party where I knew people, but they had no idea who I was.
It was as if I was re-tracing my steps from first year and having to get to know people from scratch and I hated it. Why wasn't I just with people that I knew like the last two years? Why wasn't I just chilling out and having a good time? I was sitting around people that had already defined their university groups, and I was left alone because my uni group has fallen apart.
Helen is in Paris, Zoe's in Peru, Alex is busy with a million different things, and I don't speak to Carlene, Santo or Fiona anymore. Our group used to be THE group, and now it feels like I'm alone. Thank god Trish is still here with me, or I might not be able to handle anything.
My freshers are amazing, bless them, but they're not my best friends. They don't know the history behind things, and we haven't gotten to that level yet where we're comfortable just saying whatever we want to each other. We're still going through the growing pains and learning things about each other so we know where to draw the lines and not step over certain boundaries. And they're still getting into the uni groove, learning things about being away from home and trying to handle their first year. I want to be there for them and shield them from all of the dangerous things within the uni walls, but I can't teach them everything in one go. I have to learn to let them go out, fall down and get back up by themselves. Trish has told me many times already that if they don't experience everything for themselves, they'll never learn. I know that. I just sometimes wish it didn't have to be like that.
After my ridiculous bender last night, I've decided to take a major step back and chill the fuck at home. I've got a catering job where I'll be busy waitressing big events in Central which will be good for me and keep me out of trouble. I know now that the uni scene, is no longer my scene. My third year will not be about repeating past mistakes, but about new starts. It's still early enough in the year for me to calm down and get a new crowd that doesn't involve me being off my face to have a good time. And I'll be here for my babies when they need me, but I won't be there getting wrecked with them. I can't do it. I'm getting too old for that game.
I think it's just going to be me and Trish this year, which is perfectly fine with me. I love that bitch more than anything, and together, we will rock our third year like it's 1999.