My Mumbling Thoughts

I never really spoke to him, nor did I really know him personally myself, but I cried for him. I cried with his friends. I felt for his friends and his family.

My god, his friends.

It was quite possibly one of the weirdest days I've ever had. It began on a super high note with Trish and me getting a joint job interview together for later on in the week, and ended on one of the lowest lows I've felt in a long time. One of our fellow classmates, Jason Dixon, died for no reason other than it was just a random blood clot that ended up taking his life.

Immediate. Sudden. Gone.

I hadn't showered yet, even though it was two o'clock in the afternoon. When you're unemployed and only have two lectures a week, you don't really have the motivation to get dressed and make an effort. I was confused when I opened our main door to find Vicki standing on the other side, because she never comes to visit me even though we're relatively good social friends.

"I don't want to scare you or anything, but all third years have been called to the chapel. We all have to be there by half two. Dan's crying. I don't really know what's going on."

The chapel? Fuck. What could be wrong? Who died? Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Trish and I rushed to my room and I quickly changed into jeans and my uni pullover, and brushed my teeth. We thought of the worse case scenarios and even though I'm not a religious person, I was hoping and praying beyond anything that it wasn't anyone that I knew. Please don't let it be someone that I know.

We thought it was Dave, so Trish gave him a ring but he didn't answer.

Fuck. Please don't let it be Dave. My god, please don't let it be Dave.

He rang back shortly after and was crying. He told Trish just to go to the chapel.

Right before we left, one of our security guards came around knocking and told us all to head over to the chapel as well. All of our university needed to go, not just third years. So we rounded up the babies and began the short walk with everyone else.

As we walked up I saw Rowan and Jimmy standing outside together just watching everyone as they walked in. They weren't speaking. They barely gave eye contact.

We all walked in cautiously, unsure of what was happening. I heard the crying, then saw the crying and quickly scanned the whole room. There were his friends off to the left side uncontrollably wailing and crying in a heap on the floor: Claire, Holly, Jack, Hannah, Emma, Dan and all the rest of his friends in their group.

Trish and I saw Ryan sitting in a chair next to two girls who were quiet and staring down at the floor. Ryan was quiet as well and told Trish that it was Jason Dixon.

Wham! There it was, his face brought to the forefront of my mind. I knew him, but not well enough to cry. I spoke to him, but not often enough to remember distinctly. And now he was dead? What the fuck?

We gave Ryan a hug and moved over to where the babies where sitting. Our main principle was speaking for a little bit about the counseling service in case we needed help to cope with anything, and he said some other things that didn't quite register because I was still in shock trying to wrap my brain around what was going on.

I was in a chapel? Because someone that I know has died? What? How? When? Why? Fucking hell.

But then a face I know a little bit better stood up in front of everyone in the chapel as people kept filing in and Ali told us exactly what happened the night that Jason passed away. She stood with Jimmy and you could tell that she had been crying, because her cheeks were flushed and her voice cracked when she spoke. But my god was she strong and so brave to speak to us all, to tell us about how Jason had been on crutches for the past couple of weeks because of his dislocated knee, about how he cried out in pain when he left their house to walk back home, about how Jimmy rode with him in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and how he died sometime around five o'clock in the morning.

And as she spoke I began to cry, because hearing it come from Ali, hearing her words made it real and I could see it all happening, feel it all just as if I were one of them. She was one of his best friends. She was one of "the groups" at our university. We all knew them and they all knew us. We are always out together and our groups make that small talk that you do when you're out being social. And I cried for them, because I thought, "what if it was one of us in my group."

The rest of the day was hazy and I just remember briefly speaking to Carlene and putting our differences aside, because fuck, one of our classmates has just died. I sat and ate chicken fajitas with Livvi and Katie. I went to the bar briefly with Jon and listened to Bloc Party, because it was Jason's favorite band. And finally, sometime around three in the morning, I laid in my bed, thought about Jason living upstairs in the room above me, and thought about his freshers. I thought about his family. And again, about his friends.

The thing about our university being so small is that we know everyone, whether you want to or not. In some sick, incestuous way, we are all related to one another, and we are all one big Digby family. For three years, these people are your brothers, your sisters, your cousins, your blood. They are apart of your world, and when you lose someone, everyone feels it because we're all connected.

The atmosphere has been eerie and strange. The mood is heavy and there feels like there's a cloud over our uni. People can feel that something isn't right, and there's nothing we can do but let time mend this period of sadness. It's a serious fucking wake up call as well, and now I know why people want to be surrounded by their loved ones these kind of circumstances. When I found out, when I saw his friends, there was nothing more I wanted in the world than to be surrounded with our group.

***

Since people have found out, people have been writing on his facebook wall, and this was written by one of his best friend's, Hannah, that is taking it really hard. It makes me feel so many things I've never felt before and I empathize so much for them.

Jay,
Im not going to come to the Bop tonight
You know I was there last night and I danced with you and had a couple of drinks
But Jason darling, I just don't think I can come tonight
I am finding things quite hard my sweetheart, everyone is
I think I need to spend a little bit of time away from uni and the people here
Its not that I dont love them or you, god knows I love you all SO much
Its just that I need to be alone a bit, do you understand Jay?
Im only going half hour away, I will still be in London so if you need anything just call ok
The person I am going to see is helping me Jay, I told you about them yesterday and you were cool with it, they make me smile if only for a bit my sweet
So I wont see you at the Bop but I coming to see you in an hour or so
Ill come up to your room and then Ill go the chapel, not for long but we can have a chat for a bit
Celia is dancing like a loon Jay, you loved our moves!
I love you babe, see you in a bit,
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