My Mumbling Thoughts

There is something about this house, about being inside of it when I'm both alone and also when Momma and Mel are here; there's something about it that I get lost in. The first few days I was back all I wanted to do was purge my stories from my fingertips, and yet the longer I stay I sink lower into our living room couch and my memories just as easily fade. And a scary feeling washes over me.

I could live right here, on this couch forever and be perfectly fine with that.

I don't want to move. Do you see how frightening this is? I need to get up. I need to move. For fuck's sake, I need to get out of this goddamn house!

I've been away from all of these comforts for one whole year. That's the longest I've been away from any of my comforts my entire life, which might seem kind of sad and pathetic to some people who have been living away from home and doing everything for themselves for years and years now. But for me, it's pretty damn tiring. I've been living my days in London day after day in Roehampton waiting and looking for something in the city, and not being entirely sure what it is I'm waiting on or what I should be looking out for. So now that I'm back at home I'm sinking quickly back into a life that I remember so well and I've been missing for so many months now.

I remember, oh so many fucking years ago now, when I did the so-called "boring" admin job and lived my "boring" life here in Virginia and wished for something so big, so grand, so much more than what I already had. Out There, there were so many other things that I had yet to discover, to see and learn and experience all for myself. While I was stuck doing my boring 9-5 job, out There is where everything else was happening without me.

So I left. It took me a while, but I managed to eventually peace out, pack my shit up and move over 3,000 miles away from everything that I know and considered familiar. Now look at me, three years later and wishing that I could sit on this couch forever and never have to leave the house ever again. What was so wrong with being right here with Momma and Mel? Why could I never appreciate all the things that I had before I left?

It really is one of those cases of "you never know what you have until it's gone." Well, I've been gone, away, far far away and now I'm ready to come back home. I definitely do not regret one bit my decision to leave, because lord knows I had to go out there and figure some things out for myself. I have met some amazing people and will have these friends that I've met along the way for the rest of my life. I know this. And as much as I love London and our extremely dysfunctional love/hate relationship, I know now that I belong close to home with my family.

With my third year starting to round up and having the end so near to me, people are always asking if I plan on staying after I graduate. Before I came back home I always said that I was undecided, and that if something were to pop up before I left then I might consider it. But this trip back home would be a big factor in that decision. If I was just homesick and needed some time to recharge my batteries before I headed back in for the umpteenth round with London, then three weeks would probably be enough for me. But its only been a week and a half and already I want to dig my heels into the ground and slow time down just a little bit longer. Can't I drag this out a little more please? I know I have a little over two weeks left, but that's just not enough for me.

I know my family needs me right now. Mel has been stressed recently with some of her own problems, and I think Momma is just glad to have someone else to have long conversations with, because Mel isn't really the type to sit and have a heart to heart on any day of the week. It's time for me to come back and recover from this three year stint that I've been on.

Only six more months, though. Really, I think I can manage a little bit longer before I have to come back and be American once again. Besides, my southern accent is back in full swing and I didn't realize how much I'd miss that too.