My Mumbling Thoughts

So I'm down to the last couple of days until it's time for me to jump back into reality and live out the last couple of months in good 'ol London Town. Oh, London, you silly lover that I've grown to know over these past few years. What will I ever do with you?

I'm ready and rested to go back, but I'm not really sure if I want to go just yet. I love being at home. I love being with Momma and Mel. I definitely love having my car back. The past few days I've done nothing except drive back and forth all over northern VA trying to get in as much time behind the wheel as possible. And with gas prices being a whole lot cheaper from last year, I don't mind driving around aimlessly with no particular destination. It's just me, my tunes and the open road with amazing skies. I have been living the quiet simple life since I've been back and have almost forgotten what it's like being in the city.

I make dinner for Momma a lot these days and have introduced her to jacket potatoes and more importantly, toad in the hole. She liked it, which surprised me since she usually thinks I'm crazy every time I mention anything new that I've eaten since I've moved away. It seems like the new, more grown up and mature Sam fits in well with home life again, and I'm glad. Mel enjoys having her big sis back and we just sit around and argue with each other like the old days and are constantly challenging each other's knowledge on recent pop culture. I thought that the novelty of me being back would have worn off by now, but it looks like I just like being back and can't wait to be graduated already.

I do miss the babies, though, and having everyone close by. I miss Helen watermelon and miss being able to send people random, funny text messages whenever I want. In my perfect world, this townhouse, Momma and Mel would all live on the outskirts of London. That would be everything I need within arm's reach.

This break has been amazing for me. My head is back in a good, healthy place and I'm ready to finish up university so I can come back here, get a job, start paying off these massive loans I've accumulated since year one and get back into a steady groove. A new and improved Sammi Jo will be arriving in London for the final scene. I have a bangin' new hair cut, some bitchin' new glasses and a new attitude in general. I haven't forgotten about the end of 2008, but I'm not so down about it either. January will be spent cleaning up last year's mess and getting on with things. Then I never want to ever think about that horrible year ever again.

Something weird has been going on since I've been back home, which is slightly frightening for me. My ideas and thoughts on family have been changing and I think I may want to find a man, settle down and have a wee little family to call my own some day. I know! Who knew that ME of all people on this entire planet would actually want a family and go through the whole child raising process, but there you have it. This feeling has been inside me for a couple of months now, but I've been ignoring it, because...gah...it was just weird for me to think about. I don't want the home life. I want to be young, cool, hip and fabulous all by myself. That is who I've been for so long now that it was damn scary to find myself actually daydreaming about kids and some imaginary man (with a well-groomed beard, mind you). I don't do this. I don't DAYDREAM imaginary families. How boring? Then again, these days boring doesn't seem so boring anymore. It seems full, happy and what I apparently want.

We all come home at the end of the day. What I come home to in London is a flat full of wonderful ladies that I am privileged to know and call my children. What I come home to here in Virginia is Momma and Mel. When I'm done with my uni life, when I've moved out of the house for good to live on my own, what will I come home to then? It is nice to have my alone, quiet time, but I'm also thinking about the next chapter of my life. Will I always want to come home to no one?

I think before, when I was out and about, living the party life, having endless one night stands and keeping myself emotionally at arm's length with guys, I told myself that I didn't need to get to know them, because what really was the point? We were going to use each other, leave each other and the day would go on. There's no point in talking to someone that I was only going to know for a few hours. Hell, I honestly can't remember all of their names either, but there you go... I told myself I was happy with the way things were and that I didn't need a man to be happy.

TRUE. I don't. I'm perfectly happy the way I am now: single, in my early twenties and eagerly waiting what life holds for me round the corner. But there's still a part of me that isn't completely fulfilled and wouldn't mind living out the family life. Being a mini Samantha Jones protégé was fun, but I never really felt that great about myself in the long run. I'm tired of always not caring about guys. They're not so bad.

I don't know why it was so hard for me to admit that I wouldn't mind having a family to myself. I don't know why it was so scary for me to let myself embrace the thought of being in a proper, grown-up relationship and allow myself to feel all of those new feelings. I guess it's just a new identity for me that I'm not used to. I know what has happened in my past with different relationships and my deadbeat father, but why should I be a cliché with daddy issues who ended up in multiple failed relationships? No thanks. I know what I want now, I'm ready to accept it should it ever happen, and won't be absolutely devastated if it never does either. I'm going with the flow people. Look at me grow.

Of course with this new life realization about myself, I'm going to need help to sort through the mental pieces. So as soon as I get back to university and back into the daily grind there, I'm booking myself an appointment with Fran.. Good 'ol Fran. I haven't seen her in ages and I think it's time for me to pay her a visit. We have some new things to talk about, and this new life development of mine would be one discussion. There's also my "forgiveness issues" I'd like to touch on and blah, blah, blah. Watch me turn into one of those people who say, "well, my therapist says..."