My Mumbling Thoughts

I had sex with the only good straight, male friend that I have.

There. I said it.

I don't know why, because it's not like I wanted to. He was there. I was there. We were both so drunk. And, well, as the saying goes, "one thing led to another..."

I've known Ando since my first year of university. I remember seeing him in the bar and it was when I was going through the whole, "I'm over boy Sam, but not really over boy Sam and plan to disguise my pain by hooking up with the first fit bloke I see" phase. Right on cue, Ando waltzed through the bar wearing a yellow t-shirt and trendy jeans looking ever so fit and bearing a strong resemblance to this guy.

Ever since that fateful day when Trish pretended to be a journalism student to nonchalantly get information out of him about whether or not he was single, gay, his age and so forth, we've been good friends. My crush for Ando turned into friendship and nothing more. He had a brief thing with Carlene and so it has always been.

He dropped out halfway through second year, though, and we only see each other whenever he makes a visit into the city, one of those visits being this past weekend. We decided to meet for lunch, have a couple of drinks and catch up. Trish was away for her birthday festivities, Carlene wasn't responding to any of his text messages, so it'd just be us two for the afternoon, which was fine with me. I was a little bit unnerved when I thought that Carlene would be with us since I don't speak to her anymore, but it was just us two in the end.

We had lunch, had two pints and decided to go to another pub with a garden so he could smoke while we watched the football. It was Tottenham versus Manchester United in the FA Cup final, which meant absolutely nothing to me, but I watched with him anyway whist we drank many more pints and laughed and laughed about anything and everything.

The thing about Ando is that he's just like me, except a man. I talk to him about the guys I've been with and he tells me about the girls he has hooked up with, fancies and whatnot. Our relationship is so easy because we're practically the same and understand one another. And I think one of the reasons why I don't fancy him is because I know him now. We've passed that barrier that most guys and girls have to go through and there hasn't ever been a question of whether or not I fancy him or he fancies me. No. We're just friends, that's all.

As the afternoon turned into evening, though, and my vision became blurry and my brain wasn't thinking clearly, I did wonder for about two seconds whether or not Ando was flirting or making an attempt to flirt with me every so often. I just brushed him off, though, and told him to piss off and made a joke out of it. It was just him being silly and drunk and didn't mean anything. It wasn't until he was in my bed and kissed me that I finally thought, "oh dear."

There's always that fear that if you have sex with one of your best friends that it'll change the relationship. It'll never be the same and now there will be constant awkwardness because ick, now I've seen you naked and you've seen me naked. And that fear was there for a little bit. I was scared that I had just ruined my friendship with one of the few single, straight men that I know. Why! Oh why do I drink!?

But that fear soon dissipated once Ando woke up and asked me how I was doing. I was still me, he was still Ando, and this really wasn't a big deal. If anything, it was more comical. We laughed, he told me that he was not looking forward to being at work for 9a.m. with a massive hang over and I flopped back into my pillows and remembered him falling off the bed at one point and me laughing my ass off. It was a comfort that I haven't felt for a while with a guy and I was glad that we could both be so calm and casual about our drunken antics.

He gave me a hug and left early in the morning so he could catch his train, and I slept until it was time for me to get ready for an afternoon lecture. I don't plan on speaking to him now until he next comes down for a visit, but it's not weird and I won't be stressing over anything, because that's just how we are. It is a rare security for me that I'm comfortable with.

I'll tell you who did send me a text message though.

Why can't some guys just accept that I don't want to talk to them?