"There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say, 'til the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up and puts her over his shoulder"
I was speaking to Gerry the other day when he told me that he wished I updated my blog more (yes, all of my children have my blog address) when I thought to myself, "huh, I wish I updated my blog more too!"
Now I'm not going to make any promises, because I'm shit at keeping them, but I will try my best to update more here on My Mumbling Thoughts. I mean hell, it's not like I'm so busy I don't have any time. Trust me, I have time. Without a job to go to, or any lectures to go to, and being completely alone in the flat, I'm swimming in time. True, there are things I should be doing like my coursework and making time to visit our local hospital (I'm going today dammit), but I prefer to waste my time by watching funny videos on YouTube, or by shaving my legs and putting on my amazing tanning lotion that doesn't leave streaks or turn me orange (seriously, I'm addicted).
Besides, it'll be better for me to do something more constructive with all of this time I have besides watching re-runs of Friends every night on E4.
SO. I never went over to Trilby boi's house in the end. Mostly because I could feel a terrible cold creeping around inside of my body and I couldn't be arsed to go all the way to his house (he never does come over here, the bastard). But also because after I had a conversation with Trish about him, I realized how much of a weird freak he is and was immediately turned off.
I don't want to fuck that weird freak ever again.
Ever.
It's just such a shame, because as I've said before, he was a damn fine lay.
Anyway, while I was not going over to his house and my body was getting progressively worse because of The Plague, I did some thinking and have decided that I am once again going to cut out the peen.
That's right ladies and gents, no more sex for at least two months. I thought that a month would be too short for me this time round and have decided to add on another month and see how I manage. Lent might be over for the rest of the world, but it's just starting for me.
Why then have I decided to cut the peen out once more? Well, it mostly has something to do with what Trilby boi said to me when I was over there last week.
We were sitting on his sofa, the telly was on in the background, we were having a conversation about....something (I never really did listen to him) when he suddenly asked me, "so tell me about that time you were fingered on stage."
The first thing out of my mouth was, "which time?"
Yes, I have been fingered on a public stage not once, not twice, but three times. And there were only two occasions when it was a stranger. The first time was with one of Zoe's friends, so I kind of knew him beforehand.
The time that Trilby boi had heard about was last year when I was running for International Officer in the university's elections. I hardly remember it because I was so drunk, and he was so drunk, and it was so dark. I guess it wasn't that dark though, because Trilby boi's ex-fiance saw me with some guy's hand down the front of my shorts. Then because she's awesome a gossiping bitch, she told Trilby boi and all of their friends.
It was then I realized that I really do have a reputation here at my uni, and it's probably not the greatest one to have.
Now, I don't care about what people have heard about me or what they think of me. I honestly don't. Everyone that doesn't know me personally and judges me solely on my reputation can go fuck themselves. Everyone does crazy/whacky/stupid things when they've been off their tits, so I know better than to think for one second that a person is only their drunk alter egos that come out at the bop, or Fez, or the Grand, or the bar, or anywhere in Putney/Central/Kingston/wherever. Behind my Sharon lies a chilled out Sam that is nice and likes to make large meals for everyone in the flat. And I'm sure behind everyone else's drunk alter egos lies a sober, nice person as well. I hope.
What I do care about is myself. I care about my feelings, my self-esteem and the emotional damage I'm causing my heart every single time I go out, get wasted and hook up with some randomer. I know in the long run it's not good for me. And if you want to break down some of the psychological walls of my destructive drinking, I know it's because I have low self-esteem when it comes to guys and the only gratification I get (and the only gratification I think I deserve) is by having multiple one-night stands with strangers that I can remain emotionally detached from.
Hence why I've decided to cut the peen out for two months.
When I was at Trilby boi's house, I realized that I was there purely for sex. Which is fine, yes, but how long have I been saying that I want something more? He didn't ask any questions about me, he didn't seem interested in me at all as a person, he didn't want to get to know me. Instead he talked about video games, the food in his cupboard and himself. All of which were so boring to me I just wanted to roll over and go to sleep.
I'm sorry, but I am worth more than some weird 24-year-old, World of Warcraft loving, pretentious know-it-all that makes me feel like nothing. I know what I want. I know what I'm looking for. I just need to stop having all of the stupid sex with stupid people get in the way. It might be instant gratification that sustains me for a few days, but after a while it gets me nowhere. I don't want to end up Nowhere. I want to end up Somewhere with Someone that knows that I'm a chilled out person that likes making large meals for people.