My Mumbling Thoughts

As of today, I only have twenty-four days left here in London. Until when? Until I don't know. I don't know when I'll be coming back, because I won't be living here anymore. I'll be back in Virginia, rocking out there and trying to set my life back up to be more routine and regular. Whatever that is.

I decided that I wanted to go back home early and skip over the whole graduation mess. What's the point in going when I couldn't really afford it, Momma wouldn't be there and I can't stand all of that hoopla shit. It gets on my nerves. Instead I wanted to rock out hard the last couple of weeks that I was here and end my university life not in a cap and gown, but rather how I started off: in a bar. My bar.

There wasn't really much point in my sticking around then, if I didn't want go to graduation. I suppose I could have hung around and did the odd jobs every so often to keep me afloat, but I didn't want to struggle until the end of July, which is probably what would have happened if I had decided to stay.

So June 10th, 2009. That's the date. That's when I'll be getting on a plane headed for Virginia and that's where I'll be staying, because university is finished. Done. Kaput. Over. No more.

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Now what am I supposed to do?

As if I'm all finished with university. As if I actually did what I said I was going to do nearly five years ago. As if all of this really happened.

It's kind of a big moment for me. I'm a little lost for words. I'm a lot dumbstruck. And I'm not entirely sure what's next for me.

So far the only plan I have is to go back home, get a job and start paying off these scary student loans I've managed to rack up. I kind of already have a job waiting for me. Momma managed to hook me up with another admin position at the new place she's working at. Yeah, back to the admin scene, doing the admin thing. That will just be temporary, though, until I can figure out what I really want to do, and where I really want to be.

Since leaving the Corporate World, I've seen what else I can do in life. I am perfectly capable of making a real life for myself doing what I love: writing. I didn't get this degree for the hell of it. I do plan to use it in the future and see where it eventually takes me. I definitely do not want to be someone's little admin bitch until I die. I'll find something - a magazine, newspaper, publishing house - and I'll apply to work there and be their bitch until I can work my way up to where I want to be. I could continue to work on the novel I started here a couple of months ago (I definitely want to work on that, but it has been put on a big PAUSE until I can sort my brain out and tackle that beast). I could work for an online magazine or be a freelance writer picking up odd jobs wherever I find them.

Whatever I want to do, I can do it. Because if I can manage to get myself over to London for three years, then I can sure as hell do whatever else I want. And nobody will stop me.

But those are thoughts and ideas I've barely even given much thought to because it makes my head feel like it'll explode all over the white walls of my room here at uni. I'll give them all much serious thought after I've gone home, cried for two weeks and allowed myself to wallow in the fact that I left my life here in London and must start again in Virginia. Because that's what it feels like.

All of my friends are here. My stuff is here that I've been accumulating over three years. My buses are here. My favorite foods and restaurants are here. My stores/markets/shops are here. My life is here. My heart is here. I know London and I haven't always seen eye to eye on some things, but I do love it. And I'm going to miss it and everything that it will be holding for me while I'm away. I'm trying to be an adult about the whole situation and realize that I do need to go back home, if only for a little bit so I can sort myself out. I'm a mess in London at the moment and I need a seriously long break out of the city to clear my head, adjust my perspective and get out of this student mindset. But it's hard to be an adult and accept the fact that I won't be here for a while. Instead I revert back to the only way I know how to deal with things and cry like a fool after one too many alcoholic beverages. I know it leads me nowhere in the end, but that temporary numbness sure is nice to help me forget the reality that will be smacking me in the face soon.

I'll deal with the loss after I get back home. I'll sort myself out and then think of a new way to come back over here and live. Because while I know I need a break right now, and even though it's one of the most painful things I've done, I also know I'm not finished with London. And London isn't finished with me yet either. My love/hate relationship with this city has only just begun and one way or another, I'll be back more refreshed and ready to take it all on again.