"I learned the hard way, that they all say things you want to hear"
Recently I've felt like I need to be writing.
No, I haven't felt the need to write, really, but more like I should be writing. I should be writing something, yes? I just finished three years of studying Creative Writing. Shouldn't I start writing something now? I don't know what exactly, but something. I should definitely have something in the works.
The truth is, I don't. I don't have some kind of urge to write. I don't know if I want to write, if I miss writing, if it's something I want to continue to do. Not that I was even really "doing it" in the first place. More like I was pretending to be a writer these past three years and now my time of playing around is over.
This past month since I've been back, I actually felt relieved that I didn't have any kind of writing project haunting me at night, luring above my bed while I slept and taking over my subconscious. I've done nothing, to be quite honest, and it felt nice. At least it did for a while. I haven't been thinking about anything in particular, nothing too serious and have been perfectly content (if not occasionally bored) right here in the townhouse.
I have been slightly stressed about getting a job. That's probably the only thing that has been weighing on my mind, however, not too heavily. I've applied for roughly fifteen jobs now and am still waiting to hear from one HR lady (c'mon Caroline, seriously!). I'm not a religious/spiritual person, but I do have hope and believe that I'll hear something soon. Every weekday that passes by, I'm sure that the telephone will ring once and on the other line it'll be a recruiter asking if I have time to come in for an interview.
But now, now with this "I'm 30 credits short from graduating" development, I'm being forced to think once again and decide what it is I want to write. Or, decide what I have to write, because I don't really want to.
When you go to counseling (or when I went to counseling, I suppose), Maria always asked me at the start of our sessions how I was feeling.
"How are you feeling today, Samantha?"
"Mmm....fine, I guess."
"Fine? Are you feeling anything else?"
That was our routine until I would eventually tell her without much argument how I was really feeling.
Tired. Frustrated. Annoyed. Happy. Stressed out.
And then she would ask me why.
How am I feeling now?
I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. These days I don't really have feelings, I just have ... a blur. It's a strange description I guess, but that's how I feel. Like a blur. Like I'm not really here. Like everything I do is useless and pointless. Sometimes I'll have a high moment when I'm speaking to someone online, and other times I'll feel quite low when I start to let my mind wander off into the darker corners of my brain. I try to keep myself from staying in the dark places too long.
But otherwise I don't feel much. I get up, I sleep, I check my regular websites, I'll drink a glass of orange juice, I'll go back to sleep. It's fairly routine and mundane. Nothing special to report on. While I'm doing all of these non-tasks, though, I wait.
I wait for something to happen, for someone to call, for something to change. Because this new non-state of being I've found myself in is slowly eating away at myself, my personality, my life. Whatever light I had to bring into a room is slowly fading and I feel like I'm turning into one of those people who exist solely in their own minds, always with a glazed look in their eyes.
I'm supposed to think of another idea to write about, another proposal for my convener. I don't know what to write about. I can't seem to think of anything "outside the box" or even inside the box for that matter. I don't have the energy, the motivation, the flicker of excitement inside of me to give them another proposal. Another one.
Goddammit, why do they need two? Can't I just give them the one? Isn't that enough? They need me to drag two out of some small crevasse inside of me?
You know what that feels like? Impossible.
I don't want to write, and yet the only way I know how to express it all is by taking to the keyboard and literally spelling it all out. I hope this feeling passes soon.