My Mumbling Thoughts

Let's talk about being alone. Or, more to the point, let's talk about being lonely.

Because my dear Internets, I've never been so lonely.

Almost two months since I've been back, and without much to do here, and not many people to hang with, I've been rather isolated. I only know two people here in VA now that I make the effort to hang out with and talk to on a regular basis. One of those people being my dear friend, Mendy. Everyone else that I used to work with or hang out with have long since disappeared, and I can't say that my life is any worse without them. I'm glad I don't speak to my old coworkers. I was a bad person with them. I wasn't who I am today.

Most of the time I spend my days reading, cruising the internet, watching the telly, or cleaning out some hole in the house. I have read more books these past two months than I read my entire three years at uni, which is sad to admit, and I've made more trips to our local Salvation Army to chuck out boxes of junk that we seem to collect. I get excited whenever Momma asks me to go to the grocery store for her and I wander up and down each aisle spending as much time there without being accused of shoplifting. I quit going on my walk/runs after the third day, because I'm lazy. There's not much else to that. And I'm constantly applying for jobs left and right with extremely slow results.

Aside from all of those stimulating activities, I sleep. I take my daily naps or I daydream of worst case scenarios that could happen to me while I'm at the house by myself. I like to torture myself and get myself all riled up about burglars breaking in and me having to call the police while hiding in Momma's closet. That would happen to me while I'm alone and have yet to take a shower. And at least it would be more exciting than sitting in my room deciding which pajamas I want to wear on that particular weekday.

I've accepted the fact that I'm here in Virginia now and I won't be going back to London for uni. In fact, I've discovered that my London memories are fading from the forefront of my mind rather quickly (too quickly for my liking) and now I only think about what I plan to do in the near future after I get a job. For instance I've decided I want to buy a dog. I love dogs and used to have the greatest little Pekingese named, John, and he was the perfect pet ever. My favorite pet really. So a dog we're buying in the next couple of months after we get the house ready with a new fence and such.

I've picked out which new car I want to buy next Christmas since mine is nearly ten years old and I'm ready for an upgrade. Hell, I've even started thinking about where I want to live in the next two years or so. Those future plans have started to show themselves in my brain and I'm ready to start thinking about them. What's next for Sammi Jo? What do I plan to be doing for the next five to ten years of my life? Where would I like to be? What would I like to be doing?

I know I've always seen myself writing and living in England, but that's no longer the be all, end all for me. If I find an opportunity that will lead me there again, then I'll probably take it, but I know it'll be a while before I can manage to live over there for the long-term. Until that day arrives I'll probably just be going over for holidays and have people come visit me over here. And I've accepted that fact surprisingly well. Maybe it's some kind of newfound adult that's rising from inside of me, but I know if someone would have said that to me even two years ago I would have thrown a massive tantrum and cried like a four-year-old. I prefer this new adult way a lot better.

Instead I've taken an interest in Human Resources. Before I left for university I used to assist our HR department and it was a lot of fun for me. I enjoyed planning/preparing the open houses, meeting the new employees and even handling all of the mundane paperwork. HR is where it starts for people and I know how hard it is for people to get that first step in the doorway (which is exactly what I'm going through now). I want to be able to help in any way that I can.

I've also been seriously doing some research on living in Texas. I don't know why that state all of a sudden appeals to me, but I wouldn't mind living there for a little while. The job scene is really good and it'd be nice to start out somewhere new again. I can't leave out the fact that one of the coolest bloggers I know lives down there as well. I mean, can we all just say FUN GALORE.

These are all plans, thoughts, ideas I've had. Without much else to occupy my time I've found that planning for the future is actually good for me, and a lot better than looking at a stranger's profile on facebook. I hope it all pans out according to plan, but as we all know life likes to throw wrenches into most ideas.

I hope something changes soon, though. This loneliness, this isolation, this never-ending waiting is crippling me.