My Mumbling Thoughts

Let's just get this out of the way right now, shall we?

I used to take drugs.

There. I said it. I used to take a myriad, cocktail-induced amount of drugs back in the day. You name it, I've probably taken it. There was my phase with prescription pills when I was in high school (somas, percocets and speed were my favorites), and then there is of course the time I spent in London at university. I smoked my fair share of weed, enjoyed chilling with the white lady from time to time, went on a far out ride on mushrooms once, took adderall for "concentration reasons" and enjoyed coming up on MDMA. It was just something that I did to experiment, experience and feel for myself. Now I can say I lived it and am officially over it.

I was never really "addicted" to any of the drugs to the point where I was willing to do unimaginable things to get my fix. I wasn't turning tricks on the corners or giving head to strangers just so I could get a free line or two out of someone who probably had crushed up some aspirin and wrapped it in some paper. It never got to that point. I was a regular user though. A recreational user. A social user. A whatever user. On and off during my three years at university I was on one the above mentioned drugs at some point in time.

If I had to pick, I'd say that cocaine was the worst, and the ugliest of everything I used to do. I did it for the longest time and there was a point for a couple of months during my first year that I thought I might have developed a problem. I used to cut up my lines, roll up a five pound note and snort every last morsel of powder that I could find, and rub the remaining remnants on my upper and lower gums. One time I even attempted snorting a dangling earring that some famous person was wearing on the cover of a magazine, which I had mistaken as a second line. I was so excited until I realized that I was actually snorting nothing and looked like a moron in more ways than one.

MD was the last drug I took, and it was on May 30th of this year, only a mere three months ago. MD I would have to say was my favorite out of everything I've ever taken and was "good" in a lot more ways that put cocaine to shame. The first thing would be when I would "come up" when the drug would start to properly kick in. God, coming up was one of the greatest feelings in the world, especially if the environment that you were in complimented the drug. Drum 'n' bass music on full blast, a dark room and strobe lights would race through your body and you felt everything from the inside out. All you want to do is dance with your water bottle and be left alone to enjoy the moment.

It also would last for ages and one hit would keep you awake the entire night, rather than having to constantly run to the toilets or a dark corner to sort out another line of coke. The come downs once the drug started wearing off weren't as horrible as my come downs used to be on cocaine either. MD was definitely the drug of choice.

I hate it when people who look down on drugs or don't agree with them ask, "why did you do it?!" as if I was forced in a corner with a gun to my head and didn't take the bullet instead. The thing is, I don't really know why I used to do it. I don't think it was because "everyone was doing it" that appealed to me. I think it was more of a curiosity that I wanted to know what would happen to me if I did indulge. I thought it would make my nights out amongst all of the city lights better, enhance them a little more and I would be more in control of myself and remember more things, unlike whenever I was drunk off my face. Drugs did give me a little more control funnily enough, and yet still allowed me to be completely wrecked on a different plane.

Our uni world that we lived in made it seem like taking drugs was normal, acceptable and safe. No one would ever bash you for not taking drugs (more for me!) and everyone seemed like an expert. This batch looks like good MD, this coke is weak or whatever. I never felt like I was going to get caught, harm myself or others, or that it was even bad. It was just there, a part of our lives and I happened to be one of the people that said yes, rather than no. Once the drug would wear off and clear itself out of my system (usually a process that required a full day), then I'd go back to doing normal every day things that didn't require me to be high.

Now that I've been "clean" for three months, I don't find myself having any cravings or itching for a little dab here and there. I think about it from time to time, but that's about it. Besides, it wouldn't feel right for me to even be doing it here in the states, because the scene isn't right, the people don't understand and it doesn't feel as natural as before. Thinking about me doing any kind of drug in the states just seems really weird.

However, just because I have that mentality and I don't consider myself to be an addict, doesn't mean that my past of using doesn't still follow me around. It is proving to be extremely difficult to get a job of any kind around here, because all of the security paperwork requires me to list all the drugs I used to take in the past and how often I used to take them. It also doesn't help that the last time I dropped an MD bomb was just three months ago. Not enough time has elapsed for anyone to consider me as "rehabilitated" and with all the rest of the drugs I listed together makes me look like I was some kind of crack whore on my applications.

I'm not a bad person because I used to do drugs. I'm simply a person who happened to take drugs. And just because it is going to be a lot harder for me to get a job now, I wouldn't change one thing about any of the drugs I used to do while I was over there. The experiences, the knowledge I gained and stories I have will always be with me and have helped shape me into who I am today. I realize that there are risks and that other people may have not had the same kind of outcome as I did, but it is a part of who I am, who I was back then and who I want to move on from in the future.