My Mumbling Thoughts

Today I got ready backwards. Well, sort of. Generally before I get in the shower, I pick out clean underwear and clothes so I can have them with me in my bathroom. See, my room is all the way on the third floor of our townhouse, and the bathroom that I lucked out with is the one on the bottom floor next to the garage. It may sound a little dodge, but it really isn't. Since we re-organized the entire family room, now I spend the majority of my time downstairs with the big TV. I feel better when I'm not laying in bed 24/7. Now I'm on the couch.

Anyway, I was downstairs today and I couldn't be bothered to walk all the way upstairs to get my clothes. I decided to just hop straight into the shower knowing full well that I'd have to go back upstairs eventually to get some clean clothes. So I took my shower, dried off, blow dried my hair, brushed my teeth and put on deodorant all completely stark naked. Then I walked upstairs (still naked) to my room, put on some clean underwear and pajamas.

It was a different routine that I usually follow, and it felt daring. I was living outside of the box. Hell, I was completely defying the way that I live!

And it was amazing.

I thought I should do more crazy things. Maybe I could blog two days in a row? HOW INSANE WOULD THAT BE?!

Someone stop me now.

**

As I mentioned yesterday (and one time on twitter), I found a new, upcoming online magazine that has so graciously let me write for them. Granted, I've only written one article so far, but I've got another idea brewing for this week and I thought I should probably give this whole "writing" thing another go. For real this time. I should honestly think and act like how a real writer would do, like writing a little bit of something every day, regardless if it's truly revolutionary, or ultimately run-on sentences that make absolutely no sense whatsoever, or even have a point.

Hence the blogging two days in a row.

Not only do I have some articles I need to write every week for this new online magazine, I have some unfinished work that I need to get cracking on really soon (like, yesterday kind of soon), because before you know it, I'm going to be a part-time student again with two final projects that I need to whip together for a final grade so I can officially have a goddamn Bachelor's degree that I've been struggling on for the past three years. Honestly, I need to sort it out.

I've set up the desk, organized it, cleared off some space and am practically ready to go. Now all I have to do is stop watching movies on Mel's laptop through Netflix and actually do some bloody writing.

Write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam, write Sam.......

One of the things I wrote on my first article that I sent in for the online magazine was talking about how a person should get to know themselves when they're unemployed (P.S. my article is called "10 Things to do When You're Unemployed - aside from look for jobs"). It's number six on my list of things to do. A person should sit and properly get to know themselves. You know, like ask themselves all of those really hard life questions that people eventually have to ask themselves at some point in time, and then make a decision. What are they passionate about? Did they really enjoy the last job they were at? Do they want to go traveling? What is it that you want to really do with your life? Waste it? Put it to good use?

I was writing it all and I thought, "fuck, I haven't even asked myself these questions." Here I am advising people to do it themselves, when I haven't even done it. That hardly seems fair.

So today I started asking myself some of the questions. What do I want to do with my life?

What an insane question! Who knows that answer? Well, I suppose some people know that answer. Perhaps some people have always known that they've wanted to cut people open, poke around on their insides and then sew them back together hoping that they make a full recovery. Or maybe some other people have always known that they are simply born to mix ingredients together and wow (!) people's taste buds with their edible works of art. I'm sure some people must know.

But I don't know. And I hate to say it. I know I'd like to write, but I don't know how to go about it. I know that I need a job for the time being to start collecting some money to sustain some kind of life that makes me feel more independent and less like a fourteen-year-old girl living in a small rural town listening to 3 Doors Down and thinking that their words mean something. And I know that all of these jobs that I'm applying for, I'm very much qualified to do, but it's certainly not a place I want to be stuck in for the next twenty years.

I know I want love. Don't laugh! It's cheesy, but it's true. I may always sound like some kind of commitment phobe that doesn't want to get emotionally close to someone because I'm scared of, well, commitment. But I'd like to find someone some day who knows that I speak in a baby voice to make people laugh when they're mad at me, and someone who knows I hate the lovey dovey shit out in public, but when it's just the two of us I'm just as corny as a Hallmark card.

I wonder if I'm doing the right things. I worry that someone may never hire me because I sweat when I'm nervous and make bad jokes about the weather. And I keep thinking that the reason why I'm still unemployed is because I'm wasting time looking for jobs that I'll end up hating (given enough time), and I'm not spending enough time doing what I should really be doing. What I'm meant to be doing.

It's just some things I've been thinking about before I have to go and pick my little sister up from her job.