"This loss isn't good enough for sorrow or inspiration"
It is so true what they say: when you're busy, you're usually so busy you can't see straight and it never feels like you can catch a break. But when you're not busy...when you're stuck at home with absolutely nothing to do, you don't really know what to do with yourself. There's never a happy medium of "in between," which is so annoying.
The first month was great. Lizzie came to visit, we had good times and it was nice to finally get that break from the stress and worries that used to follow me around in London. I didn't have to worry about cooking for myself anymore, bills piling up around my feet or any of the local drama. I was at home baby! And I was loving it, living it up and soaking in this newfound relaxing freedom! I mean whew (!) why didn't I do this more often?
The second month came out of nowhere and it finally hit me that maybe I should get a job. A good paying job at that. December would be here in no time and that's when I need to make my first student loan payment. And then of course when I found out about my lacking of 30 credits, I realized that I need to pay for that hefty payment in one lop as well. And I wanted to go places, do things, socialize. That all required moolah that I just did not have. So the search began. And so did the waiting.
Now I'm rolling on month number three. Three months since I left London, came back home and have spent 85% of my time in bed watching re-runs of The West Wing on dvd, and eating soft chocolate chip cookies for lunch. I would say it's the good life, but my time of relaxing is over. I'm tired of doing nothing. I want a job! I have things I want to buy and save for. My list of Things I Want is getting longer with each passing day, and I'm headed straight for the Unhappy Place in my head.
This past Friday I cried for two hours. And the whole time I hated myself because I know things aren't that bad. Things have been a lot worse for me in the past, and things are hella bad for a lot of people out there that I don't even know. Why am I being such an impatient whiny baby? I mean, hell, at least I went on one interview. At least I have a few people on "the inside" at a couple different companies who are trying to pull strings for me and shove my CV into different people's hands. At least I have a caring mother who lets me stay at home completely rent-free, feeds me and wants me to do nothing else except pay off all of my student loans. Why was I crying? AGAIN? OVER NOTHING? I'M SO UNGRATEFUL.
I was crying because even though I know all of that, I still get frustrated with things. I am super impatient and when things don't go my way I tend to get cranky. I am a five-year-old living inside of my nearly 24 (!) body and sometimes the only way I know how to cope is to just sit and cry. Cry, cry, cry, C-R-Y. I cried in the shower. I cried in my room. I cried when I was brushing my teeth. I just cried. And if felt good to do something other than me sitting like a bump on a log watching re-runs on the telly.
I'm trying to stay positive. I know these things take time and I'm trying to relish all of this free time I have to finish up the books on my night-stand, or lay out by the pool when it's sunny outside. But those worries and stresses aren't far away in my mind, and I still think about when it's time for me to pony up some money and I just don't have it on me. What will I do then?
Probably cry.
But after that, I'll have to wipe my eyes, blow my nose and figure out a different solution to the same goddamn problem.