My Mumbling Thoughts

Jon and Helen liked to call it "weather hugs" when they were here for their visit two years ago. I just like to call it muggy. SO. MUGGY. The heat and moisture in the air that likes to cling to my body the moment I walk outside, and feels like it's suffocating me from the inside out it's so thick.

On a day like today with the mugginess, I remember when Jon and Helz were here and we spent nearly two glorious weeks being American together and I proudly showed them around all of Northern Virginia. This is my state. This is where I live. This is where I know the back roads and try to maneuver my way out of traffic when things tend to get backed up whenever there's the slightest disruption on the roads. This is me.

Only it's not me anymore, and I realized it last night when I was in bed staring up at the ceiling for nearly forty minutes before I decided to turn off my lamp. I'm not Sam from Virginia, I am simply Sam. I am a girl who is indecisive, constantly changing and retracing my steps because sometimes I get a little lost and don't know what to do.

Last night I got to thinking about all of those big Life Questions that I mentioned a couple of days ago, and thought I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be in this state of Virginia, or this state of mind. I'm tired of going round and round in circles wondering what it is that I want or don't want and teeter-tottering back and forth between everything. So I came up with a simple list of What I Do and What I Don't want.

I do want to be home and near family. I'm glad I came back to be closer to Momma and Mel, and now that I've been back for a couple of months I really see how much they need me, just as much as I need them. My sister needs me, and part of me feels guilty for even leaving her in the first place. My mother needs me to help with my sister and I'm glad I can be here to help.

I don't want to be in Virginia anymore. As much as I love being back near family, this state just isn't for me. I thought I wanted to come back and get back into the government scene and be a kick ass admin again, but I really fucking don't. The only bad part is that I'm going to have to do it anyway now since I only have $65 to my name. At least for a little while.

I don't want to take this shit job that I've been offered earning (what I consider to be) pennies. I don't want to make their charts and graphs and do gay research for a contract that probably isn't going to last any longer than a year. But part of me already knows that I'm going to accept it, because it is a paycheck, and when you only have $65 to your name, and a debt of roughly $50,000.00, you'll take anything you can get. I tell myself that it'll only be temporary, and if something better comes along, I'll totally jump on it, but still the other half of me is screaming WASTE OF FUCKING TIME. DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

I do want to get into writing. I don't have any fucking idea how I'm going to do it, or if it'll actually manifest into something potential, but every day I'll give it a go and see where it takes me. I applied for an internship with another online blog/magazine and should have a phone interview set up for sometime next week. Obviously all of the work that I'll be putting in now will be unpaid (we all gotta pay our dues I suppose), but I don't care. I need the experience. I want the experience.

In time, I do want to move back to England permanently. The goal I've set for myself is about two years. I'm giving myself two years to work at crappy jobs here that I hate (hopefully paying much more than this shit company has offered me), save up ass loads of money, then apply for a work visa. I've already started getting emails ready for my "contacts" that I have over in London that I know will know how to help point me in the right direction of getting a job. My awesome recruiter, Tabitha, for starters who loves me and always got good feedback from me wants me to come back. And then there's my tutor from second year, Sarah Turvey, who was born in the states and has been living in England for the majority of her life. She'll definitely know all of the ins and outs of the red tape I'm sure I'm going to have to fight with.

I thought about all of that before I closed my eyes, and thought, "yes, that is exactly right." Before I left I was so naive, thinking that I knew everything about everything and had never experienced anything substantial, but certainly had an opinion about it. Work was work, money was money, friends were friends, family was family, and I never worried about anything else.

Then I went away and learned so much about myself, I can't even begin to try to explain it all. "Life changing experience" doesn't even chip away the corner of what happened to me. Those three years taught me more than the previous twenty years when I was in the states. And now I am more comfortable with myself and have cold hard experiences to back up all of my opinions now.

I know I had to leave. Even though every single day is tough because I miss everything I left behind, I know I needed to come back. For Momma and Mel, yes, but for myself. I was a fucking mess the day I left and mentally, I needed some time to cool off from the city that I liked to battle with. I had no stability, and I certainly didn't have any balance. But I had a life. It was my life that I could call my own, grab with both hands and do whatever I wanted to do with it. It was all mine.

I never really had a life in Virginia. I definitely don't have a life now. All I had back then was work, a little bit of money and the mall to visit every single Saturday buying up things that I'd probably throw away two months later.

Of course I say all of this now, but who knows what will happen within the next two years, hell, the next two weeks? Maybe I'll decide to move to Boston, or Texas, or New York (liked I said I would) and find a new happiness there. Maybe I'll find a dream job here and decide to live out the rest of my days in Virginia and laugh at this post that I've written when I'm much older. All I know at this very moment, though, is that when the time is right, and when I'm properly set up, I'm going to leave. And hopefully I'll finally be able to remain stationary, instead of rocking from one side to another.