My Mumbling Thoughts

First, a little back story.

We all know I'm unemployed. This is no secret. I have spent many weeks, months even, accepting and getting used to this fact. I know the economy is shit at the moment, and it's particularly difficult for people my age to find work straight out of university, so I shouldn't be expecting anything amazing straight away.

I can try. But I shouldn't expect anything.

Recently, while I've been unemployed, I have spent many hours cruising the internet searching for potential jobs that are non-government related since the government will most likely frown upon my past life choices. I don't like being looked down at (figuratively speaking; I know my short stature leads to people literally looking down at me). I definitely don't like being judged or otherwise told that I'm a bad person because I happened to leave the country and experience another side of life that many people don't agree with. So with that I've basically ruled out all government jobs, which is fine since I personally don't agree with the government contracting business anyway and it's not what I want to do with the rest of my life.

The only downside to that is that 80% of the jobs around here are government contracting jobs, leaving a much smaller pool for me to choose from, and making it significantly harder for me to compete with the other thousands of unemployed workers in my neighborhood. Not only that, the likelihood of me finding my Super Awesome Dream Job around here is also sliced in half.

But I keep trying. I keep applying for different little writing gigs I see, build up my portfolio and continue searching for viable contacts. Networking. I'm trying to get my Networking Ball rolling.

A couple of weeks ago when I went to go interview for this really Shit Job that I was not excited about at all in the slightest, I met this woman who was my "local contact" for that business. We were both sitting in the reception area waiting for the hiring manager to come out and meet with us, and were just chatting about our plans for the weekend. I mentioned that I'd probably be working on some articles since I am a writer after all, and that's something that writers do occasionally.

When I mentioned that I was a writer and that I was just starting off in "the business," she got really excited and mentioned this networking group that her friend does. She explained that it was basically an online website for women to meet, network and help each other out with their personal businesses, and how it might be beneficial to me since I was new and didn't really know that many people locally.

Fast forward a week or so, and I found myself at my very first networking meeting. It was a group of about twenty-five women, each who had their own business and were looking to meet other women who might be able to help them grow, or who they might be able to help. It was all set up really nice, with a mini buffet and little vendor tables that were set up by local business owners; there were these women who owned their own jewelry stand, another woman who specialized in beauty products, a woman who sold designer jeans at a very discount price and so forth.

It was a little strange at first for me, but after a while I kind of got the hang of it all and thought it was pretty cool.

One of the women there, Sandy, was selling these beauty products that I was really interested in. It kind of reminded me a little bit of Mary Kay or Avon, but the thing that I found most appealing was the fact that the products were all 100% natural and eco-friendly, which is something that I've been trying to find for a while now ever since I saw this program ages ago about the different kinds of chemicals that are put into beauty products and how harmful they can be.

Yesterday I decided to meet up with Sandy to talk about my job searches, my future career goals and whatnot, and also to talk a bit about her products since we didn't really have much time at the networking meeting. I wanted to get more information to see if they'd be something that I'd really want to use and I thought I might even be able to get an article out of it since I do write for an online beauty/fashion magazine.

We had a lovely conversation in the afternoon sitting at Panera talking about my future plans, how much I hate Corporate Life, her products that she sells, her business and so forth. The business was set up on the basis of like how they do Mary Kay and Avon, but I didn't plan on doing any of that. To be honest, I just can't be bothered to set up my own business like that and give it the full amount of time and energy that it requires.

But the products are pretty sweet.

I like the fact that they're all 100% natural, that they don't cost an arm and a leg, that they're eco-friendly, that they're made from recyclables and all that jazz. I've been waiting a while to toss out my expensive name brand beauty products that leave my face feeling clogged, gross and could potentially lead me down a road of hell because of the harmful chemicals that they pack into it. I'm all about health and awareness, even if I do eat poorly and hardly exercise.

So I took some free samples home and was excited to see how they worked. I briefly considered being a representative who could become a part of the crazy Beauty Product Empire and forego all of my dreams of being a writer to become an evangelical leader spreading the good word of natural vs. chemical. But it got too tiring and I figured it'd probably be best if I remained a client.

I was a bit leery of telling Momma, though, because I knew the minute I mentioned the fact that Sandy sold beauty products, she was going to go off the deep end and rant about how she was just playing with my hopes and dreams, making it seem like I was going to be a millionaire over night, that it was a pyramid scheme and I needed to forget about it all together. Sandy was a housewife that could afford to spend all of her time on selling beauty products, and I had other obligations that I needed to focus on, instead of wasting time, money and energy on some crackpot idea.

I was right. The second I mentioned the beauty products, Momma went off on her spiel about how this was setting myself up for disaster, and why do I let people talk me into these things? Haven't I learned from other past disasters before and I needed to get a real job that will keep me locked down at a desk probably doing data entry and slowly crushing my soul. Because THAT sounds a lot better.

I cried of course, because whenever I feel too much of any one emotion, there's nothing left for me to do except cry. I also yelled at her because she wasn't listening to me. I didn't plan on becoming the new spokesperson for these 100% natural beauty products OKAY. I just wanted to try them, see if I liked them, and maybe later down the road recommend them to some people who I know have skin issues and have tried other things that have failed them in the past. Was that such an awful thing to do? Could I not even sit down with the woman to have a conversation, drink some lemonade and talk a little business? IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS DOING ANYTHING ELSE WITH MY TIME.

The thing about networking and meeting all of these different people I've learned, is that you can help them while they try and help you. Sandy was saying that she knows of other great networking groups where I could try and meet people who are more in my field of interest with writing, and eventually if I keep trying I just might find someone around here who might be able to lend me helping hand. Her line of business was beauty products. I couldn't really help her much (unless she needs me to write a review), but I might know someone else, and she might know someone else for me. That's all it really is, and since I have absolutely no contacts of my own here I thought it couldn't hurt to give it a go.

Why did Momma have to shit all over it and make it seem like some kind of evil that was taking over my mind?

All of those past events lead me to here, sitting at my laptop and thinking about all of this nonsense. Mine and Momma's argument last night (over nothing) just reminded me why we have problems in our mother/daughter relationship and why I get so frustrated with how things can be around here. Why I don't fit in here. Why I left.

I've thought about it a lot ever since I came back home, about how sad and unhappy I was in London, but it was because of things I could have fixed. I was really unhappy mostly because I didn't have any money and how much stress that put on me. Yeah, I was homesick and missed certain people, certain things, but I'm sure it would have been the same if I lived a couple of states away. I wasn't lacking in friendships or unhappy because people didn't understand where I was coming from.

If I could have found a decent paying job and got a work permit, I would have happily stayed in London. I would have continued my life there and wouldn't have stressed about the things I'm currently stressing about. I wouldn't have fought with the government, I wouldn't be starting from scratch and trying to think of new ways to go back. I wouldn't be at home feeling like I've taken three giant steps backwards thinking that this is going to take me much longer to get out of than I had originally thought. I just would have kept on living the London Life and that would have been that.

I am back at home, though. I am starting from scratch. I am trying to rebuild myself over here and trying to figure out what step is next for me. I am trying to figure out if I do fit in here and if it's at all possible for me to not feel like a dick. These are the new things that I'm trying to deal with. It's just hard for me at the moment and my Frustration Tolerance isn't very high and I tend to get easily let down when things don't go my way, or when Momma takes something that I want to try and slaps it around with Negativity. Doesn't she understand that now I'm unhappy with where I'm at in my life? Doesn't she empathize even a little bit with the fact that I left an entire life in a city that I now miss more than anything? Doesn't she know that I came back because I wanted to be closer to her and Mel, but when she talks to me like I'm fourteen it doesn't do anything except push me away. Doesn't she know that I have been trying really hard to be some kind of contributing family member, but spending my days locked behind a desk doing some unknown mind-numbing task for the next twenty years isn't exactly what I planned for.

You know, I understand why Momma tells us all of the bad things before we even attempt something that's different or out of the ordinary. I realize it's because she doesn't want us to set ourselves up for failure or to get caught up in something that we're going to have to dig ourselves out of for the next ten years. I know she doesn't want us to get used, duped or treated unfairly. I know all of this, which is why I'm always careful before I leap into anything that could potentially lead me down a path where I might be used, duped or treated unfairly. I am skeptical about some things and I know that not everyone is out there to help other people, but rather help themselves. Those are all Risk Factors. But why does she constantly have to rain on our parades, be the Debbie Downer and not even hold a little bit of trust in our judgment? It only leads to us feeling like we're not good enough, that we can't do things and hold us back from doing anything new that might not be "normal," but might be right for us.

So now, after all of that, I'm just left here, in bed, at my laptop, still trying to maneuver my way around in this quicksand that's slowly taking me under. As Will Young sings in one of his many amazing songs, "I just need a break, a little one."

Just give me a break. I'll take it from there.