My Mumbling Thoughts

One day I will write again properly, however, today is not that day. Today I simply write because it is a compulsion inside of me that will not go away, almost like regurgitating horrible, grammatical bile that has no other outlet except through my fingertips, rather than my mouth. My heart has felt nothing in the past year for the written word, and yet my mind is still full of them. Each day I wonder if the two will join again, and each day the page remains blank.

I've lost myself in the past year. I've forgotten who I am, what I love, and what I truly want out of this life. I got a job, though, one that requires me to answer the telephone, order office supplies, and keep track of everyone's mundane business. This life is what I've been told is "responsible." It allows me to pay my monthly bills, buy countless items that hold no real value, and live in an adult world.

In many ways I am grateful for this adult job that gives me some kind of purpose and a means to live a life without many hardships. I am able to carelessly buy things, and from time to time I can travel and visit the friends that I miss so much.

On a much different hand, I feel trapped and confined by my new adult role. I find it limiting in a multitude of ways, and while I know I'm not the first person to feel this, I wonder if there is a way for me to find some kind of balance.

How do others do it? That is what I really wonder.

I think too much of being in a car accident while I'm sitting in traffic. What if the massive truck behind me doesn't realize soon enough that the cars in front have stopped? What if he smashes straight into me? How much pain would I feel? What would the crunching metal and shattered glass sound like? Would I die instantly, or make it to the hospital and have to spend years in physical therapy?

It's a regular thought I have that's quite worrying sometimes. What worries me most, though, is that if I ever were to be in a horrible accident like that described, I already know that part of me would be relieved no matter what the outcome.

Yes, one day I will properly write again; but today I will write honestly, and hope that it is not my last.