My Mumbling Thoughts

Today was my last session with my counselor, Dale. Well, it'll be my last at least for the next couple of months. I'll check in with her at the beginning of December to see how I'm doing, and let her know if I would like a referral through my insurance so I can continue with regular counseling.

I told her I'd like her to stay, and let me always have the option of coming back if I needed to, which she said would be fine. I don't think I need regular counseling. At least not anymore. I'd always like to keep her close, though, in case it all goes tits up again and I need to come see her. She is a security blanket in a lot of ways for me.

I cried a little bit today during my session, which is normal. It wasn't for a long period of time, and crying in front of Dale is no longer a big deal for me. I cry, I talk through it, I wipe the tears away, and we continue on. Our conversations in the beginning were quite deep and emotional, whereas towards the end I was giving her more updates on how much I've been improving.

And I have been improving in my own small ways. Just blogging every day for me has been an improvement. The fact that I decided to enter a contest is an improvement. My train of thought is no longer doom and gloom all the time, and now I try to look on the bright side of things. And if I do have a shit day, I know it's not the end of the world. The sun will rise the next day, and I'll have another chance to give it a go again. And I need to be grateful for all of it.

Still, I'm a bit sad that I won't be seeing her regularly. It's nice talking things out with her, and having her remind me to not always be so hard on myself, and make sense of all the craziness in my head. She has one of those soothing therapist voices as well that calms me when I feel the all too familiar lump rise in my throat before the waterworks start.

What will I do without her?

I'll do it on my own I suppose. I'll repeat everything she has taught me to myself whenever I feel blue, whenever I don't feel like doing something, or whenever I feel like my life is the bottom of a shit bucket, I'll remember Dale's words and remind myself, "hey, it's going to be okay." That's what grown-ups do right? They're able to handle themselves when things get a little rocky.

But I'm not completely alone of course. Momma is always here, and has been a tremendous support for me during this past year, and of course my friends are there for me as well. I'm never really alone. It's just being able to manage everything on a daily basis, and not randomly cry in public when shit starts to hit the fan.

It was a defining session for me in a couple of ways. I made Dale laugh a couple of times, which was oddly nice for me, and I think I saw a hint of proudness in her eyes when I left her office. Like, "yes, she will be alright. She will do good things. I'm glad she found her way out of the dark."

Me too, Dale. Me too. And I couldn't have done it without your help.