My Mumbling Thoughts

It's time for my first cup of tea for the season.

It tastes like autumn, smells like London, and as I hold the mug in my hand I can hear one of my flatmate's voices as they ask me again how many sugars I'd like.

Two please. Three if you're using the bigger mug. And green milk.

England's weather allows for hot tea all year round, however, since I've moved back to Virginia, and Mother Nature has had a Summer Death Grip on us, I've switched my steaming mugs for tall glasses with ice cubes and sweet iced-tea. So this first mug of hot Tetley is, in a small way, special for me.

Each year when the seasons change, I always make it a point to stop and look around. Look at the trees changing. Feel the cool air prick against your cheeks. Smell the wood fires. Pack away the summer shorts for fluffy hoodies. And, of course, start drinking hot tea again.

The other day I was sitting at long dining table for a coworker's farewell lunch, when he randomly asked me if I missed England. I responded with a quick, polite nod and let other people talk about their past experiences in the country, and wash over my answer. Chris had stayed on Mayfair one time when he went over. Simon visited frequently with his wife. Wasn't their public transportation so great? Europeans are much more relaxed than Americans, and take more time off work. We should adopt this kind of mindset into our own daily living.

The conversation shifted onto sleep apnea, and I continued to eat the bowl of chips that were sitting in front of me.

Yes, I do miss London. I don't like to talk about it too much, because it starts to feel like I may never go back. After I first returned, people would ask if I had plans to move back, and I would answer firmly, "in two years." I was so sure that it would only take me two years, and then I'd return, pick up right where I left off, and that would be that. End of story.

Of course I'm already a year and a half in, and there are no solid plans for me to return permanently. Only brief visits every eight or so months, but nothing like how I was before. I think one of the main reasons why I was so sad over the past year (especially after my visit in April), is because I was mourning the loss of that life. It was such a huge thing. It was the first, real time I had ever felt like I belonged, like I was a part of something, like I finally fit in somewhere.

Coming back home wiped all of my uni time clean. I was back in a state that I never really liked to begin with (although I'm growing to see that it's not all fire and brimstone), back in a house that is so far out it takes me nearly thirty minutes to get anywhere that's partially interesting, and work with a group of smarty pants scientists that unintentionally make me feel inadequate. It's not exactly the life I hoped I'd fall into after I finished.

There are things I still want to do, places I still want to travel to, new people I don't know yet, but desperately want to meet. I'm still waiting for something to happen, and part of me knows it won't happen with me just thinking about it all the time.

Then again, there are also things holding me back, like my SSL's (Scary Student Loans). Those put a huge limit on my present life. I definitely can't run away from those, and until I can get rid of at least two of them, I'm pretty limited on Life Options to choose from.

But it's not just money holding me back. I hold myself back as well, and don't take daring chances. I'm all about playing it safe now, sticking to the rules, and living a straight-laced life. I wear what I like to call, my "big girl pants" and every day they get tighter in the waist. New bills start showing up at the house with my name on it. New situations come up where I can't react like a grumbling teenager, but instead have to act appropriate as according to Human Resources. And old things are sacrificed in order to better accommodate this new Big Girl Role.

It's so tiring.

My manager, who I truly believe was meant to be my father, said to me the other day, "don't just work for money. If you only get up every day for the money, then you're not doing it right. If you do something you love, then it's not really work."

Every day I wake up so I can get paid. Plain and simple.

And so I come back and think about my recent, straight-laced life choices. Sure, they've gotten me this far, but they've not given me what I truly want. I think it's time I start doing something a little crazier with my choices, a little more off-the-beaten-path. It's time I do something more than "just for the money."

I think it's time to put those business cards I won months ago to good use. I do have 500 of them after all.